Still On The Fence About Disclosing Details Of My Abuse

[KwanYingirl]

I am struggling with flashbacks still that were triggered by my impulsive disclosure of a particularly gruesome abuse. I was supposed to check in with my therapist as the week goes on but all I could think of to say was that I feel disgusting and terrified. That I am avoiding him, but I don't want to offend him. This story was the tip of a huge iceberg. Here's his response in an email and please explain to me why I just don't feel comforted by it. I am super hyper vigilant. Haven't taken Annie for a walk. I just want to curl up and die:
"You were told when you were younger directly or indirectly to keep a secret. You decided you didn't want to keep the secret anymore and that is where the healing starts. I know that disclosing your abuse makes you face it head on. You did a great job and it's OK to slow down and take care of yourself with breathing, yoga, comfort food, and sleep. Keep touching base and you are going to move through this".
I'm stuck in that memory. I can't get anything done except to yoga. Does this response sound comforting or solicitous? I have so much painting to accomplish and I think I should hire someone to do it. I cannot choose paint colors and I am a mess. Shock waves from my pubic bone right up into my abdomen that happen a few times a day. I wish I hadn't had a flashback in front of him. Yuk, gross, excruciating pain. I want to cut but haven't.

 

[rightkindofme]

To me that sounds like someone who is trying but who doesn't necessarily have a deft touch with words. *For me* that wouldn't be triggering, but everyone gets to have different triggers. For me that would be ok.

If it isn't feeling ok for you, what would help you or be better?

 

[scout86]

To me, the response sounds appropriate and like it should be taken literally and not MORE.

I'm not 100% sure I get what you're asking, but I've had a number of times when my T was being reassuring and I was sure it was some kind of trick. It wasn't. This isn't either. Sounds to me like he gets what's going on and is ready and willing to help you work your way through it.

IF he's right, and some part of you is convinced that you NEED to keep this stuff secret, you can see how that part would be pretty freaked out just now, can't you? (And I'm meaning "part" as in some part of your brain/personality, what ever, not so much in the DID sense, although I guess that works too.) That "part" took on the job of keeping you safe by keeping the secret. At the time, that WAS a way to keep you safe. Might not have been the only way, might have been. I don't know and it doesn't matter now. What matters now is that that part of you is operating based on out dated information and it deeply believes that keeping the secret is a life and death deal. It no longer is, but that part of you isn't ready to trust this new and alarming information. "NOW what is it supposed to do?".

That doesn't mean you have to rush in to anything. Take your time. Get used to the idea that you are not in literal danger. Do the yoga, walk your dog, see that the world goes on, in spite of your disclosure. You're still here. Your T is still there and still wants to work with you. We all are still here. That part believed that something horrible was going to happen and it hasn't happened. And, I suspect, that part is still trying to make you believe that something horrible HAS happened, because that's the only way it knows of keeping you safe. That part needs to update it's job description, and that's part of the next step. You might try having a conversation with that "part", My T keeps suggesting i do that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it produces a flash of insight, sometimes it goes no where.

But, follow directions and stay in touch with him, even if all you can think to say is that you don't know what to say, And, the painting isn't really an emergency, is it? Maybe you could just put anything that requires complex decision making on hold until after the dust settles. Give yourself a break! This is a big deal, you deserve a chance to destress.

 

[greenleaf]

Hello @KwanYingirl -- I am glad you can do the yoga, and I'm glad you're not cutting. I hope you will do more yoga for a while since that sounds helpful? I know you feel you need to do those other "get stuff done" things, but I am really glad you are doing the yoga! It was very brave of you to disclose. More yoga today would be my thought!

p.s. yoga!

 

[blackemerald1]

I believe your Therapist sounds genuine and concerned in an appropriate way. He is giving you the option of some time to settle but still keeping in touch. I think he is a good therapist and in time, the part of you that finds it impossible to trust, will begin to unravel and then you will be able to start on the iceberg. Having a flash-back is no shame. having one in front of your therapist is safe.

Take your time, keep in contact and try to keep moving forward with your "secret" to a safe therapist. Whom I think you have.

It sounds like a comforting email to me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Great insights!! You all have cleared some struggle for me. He has been talking about my parts of my personality that are still a little girl and when I have a flashback, he says to keep reminding myself that I am the adult. I must recognize this and learn to identify these parts.
@scout86 I think you're onto something there. That part of me that has been keeping the secrets is bound and determined to keep the status quo. This should be a topic to discuss with him. Maybe there are ways to communicate with my young self. Well I painted the bathroom ceiling and am fumed out for the afternoon. Nap time then Patriots football game.
Thanks everyone, I feel like I understand my psyches motivations.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi @KwanYingirl, I am glad you are not harming yourself. It is awesome that you are taking care of yourself by doing yoga. I like yoga too. I get frustrated easily because I want the healing journey to be over in a single session and my therapist helps me by reminding me to "take one day at a time". The email from your therapists to me looks comforting. He understands that for you this is a very difficult issue and he is encouraging you to take it slowly, i.e. go at your own pace. You can discuss as much or as little as you want to. My therapists has a similar approach and over the past few session I started feeling more safe in her office. I still cannot feel/express emotions but one day at a time. Be patient and kind to yourself and things will get better. Namaste!

 

[shimmerz]

Idk for certain because you are you and I am me but....

Since the words disclosure and secret were used is it possible that you are reacting more to what you were told it should mean to you if you were to tell the secret and less about what the secret itself was?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hmmmm interesting perspective @shimmerz i am in feeling like I'm going to be punished for disclosing. Always on the lookout for danger.

 

[FindingMyself88]

*Gentle hugs of support* I am glad you are doing acts of self care (yoga, watching TV, naps). I know our brains try to say it's being lazy, etc but it isn't. I am proud of you for not self harming. I agree with what has been said. Your therapist seems to understand where you are at and trying to help encourage you that you are safe and that talking is okay. I know that is hard. For me I was *told* indirectly by my mom that my feelings didn't matter and I was told by my dad that I would be hurt worse if I cried. So for me it's the feelings I can't talk about or deal with.

You are doing hard and difficult work, but you ARE doing it. Kudos to you :)

 

[sun seeker]

Here's his response in an email and please explain to me why I just don't feel comforted by it. I am super hyper vigilant.

Hey @KwanYingirl, sorry you are going through this. It's hard to say why exactly, but I'll offer what it might be for me in that situation. For one thing, I might have wanted words of comfort and empathy more than a more cerebral kind of explanation of my inner process. I don't know if that fits for you. You say you feel like you're going to be punished for disclosing, and that is an important point to realize. Did you want reassurance that you are safe, that you are still a good person? Those messages about abuse being your fault and about loyalty to the abuser are very strong, so of course you feel unsafe after exposing the abuse. But nothing bad is going to happen because of this. Your therapist is bound by confidentiality. This is an anonymous forum.

Maybe there are ways to communicate with my young self.

I'd encourage you to work on that. There is something else I'll mention just in case it fits for you. Telling your therapist was a big step towards healing. Sometimes, I have sensed that the child part of myself that experienced abuse feels threatened by my attempts at healing. It's as if she thinks if I start to feel better, it means the abuse was all right and her pain doesn't matter any more. If you can reassure your child self that you will still be there for her and honour her needs, maybe it will help you feel some relief.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks @sun seeker yes, it's my next challenge in therapy. Learning how to talk to my child self. But more importantly develop an awareness of her as having grown up and I certainly would protect her.