Other Stockholm syndrome

[Darkhorse]

Kunoichi

Thank you for your reply post, its helped me to be less confused about what it actually was, and helps me feel less odd.

Also i am not alone, in the feelings, understanding and acceptance of the situation, thanks.

 

[Kunoichi]

I think the hardest part for this is the "stigma" from other people. Why didn't you just leave - they ask? especially since I was older and it wasn't a "family or blood relative" but that isn't how I view it or how I can view it.

He had control of every aspect, end of story and period.

 

[jeapea]

Yes. Abusers used whatever tools of my loyalties, religious beliefs or moral convictions to twist my mind into protecting them from being accountable for what they were doing. Some of my traumas were from accidents and mishaps... but most, and the worst, were having my mind deliberately manipulated by someone else in order to justify and protect my abusers.

I couldn't even recognize reality at that point so just went along with it trying to keep peace.

 

[dust]

These replies made me want to cry. I too struggle with the desire to protect my abuser(s). By not saying anything am I protecting them or am I protecting myself? I have been having therapy for sometime and have, by no uncertain terms, been told that my experiences were of abuse. I think that my problem lies in the fact that I was put in the position of caring for an abuser from an early age. My caring was a survival strategy (if I was kind and nice and did not express any personal need I would be OK), and this has been carried over and is now a habit I can't shake. I'm still very confused about this paradoxical behaviour. I'm not in contact with either anymore, but still feel like I have to silence my own voice, so I don't upset theirs! Urghghghgh!

 

[Kunoichi]

JPS:

Yes, the manipulation still haunts me to this day.

Dust:

I too struggle with "not rocking the boat" in keeping silent about my abuse (something i was only recently able to do). I think stockholm is hard because one, people even some PTSD people who have not experienced it, don't understand it and two, I think that its so hard because it deals with your feelings that you don't feel you can trust your own now. At least that is what i struggle with.

 

[dust]

Thanks Kunochi,

what you say silence and about not trusting my own feeling rings true... I have broken my silence too, but am very wary about what I say and to whom I say it. Part of me wants to express what has happened and shout it out, part of me still thinks that this will cause too much damage to the people that hurt me. I guess at the end of the day, it can be worked out in the therapeutic space and amongst close friends. The family side is very tricky as I am still in contact with most, that is a space of silence which I haven't yet dared to breech!

dust

 

[shari]

You know, many victims of family or partner abuse suffer from traumatic bonding. It makes sense.

I came out of a family where there was physical and emotional abuse, plus I had been molested by a stranger at the age of 6. I, like all children, loved my dad and had to try and sort out feelings of fear and love. Often, after an incident of physical abuse, I would approach him for a snuggle. My childish attempt to make everything feel safe again.

THis process, of turning to your abuser for comfort and security after a traumatic event is called traumatic bonding and it is EXTREMELY strong due to intermittent reinforcement. Each cycle makes it stronger and you become more and more attached to the person abusing you. It robs you of yourself one cycle at a time and the focus becomes more and more THEM>

I ended up with an abusive police officer as a husband and that made my early childhood stuff look like a walk in the park with flowers, rainbows, sunny skies, and an entire cheering happy crowd (which of course, I would now avoid lol)

 

[Kunoichi]

Shari:

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I actually was able to realize and accept that what I went through was rape and though I had "feelings" for him, i think that the fact I felt terrifed and sick to my stomach everytime we "made love" shows that it wasn't real love that I was feeling but rather as survival. Being able to talk to my hubby/fiancee about this helps because it makes me realize how much more it wasn't love.

I think its hard though because i felt like I didn't fight more. i was scared to fight but I feel like because I just "went with it" means it wasn't rape. Was it? i think it was but maybe I'm wrong.