Stopping An Abusive Relationship

[rjtransient]

So, it appears I'm learning from past mistakes.

I feel strange for being self-congratulatory about this, but I want to remind myself that it is an accomplishment.

I've been hanging out with someone who seemed like the perfect catch. Cheerful and optimistic, adventurous, motivated, smart, uses common sense, is working on his second diploma and likes the program he's in, loves nature and animals, loves the company of other people, loves to travel. On our first meeting, I was impressed. He really was all of that and more. We had a good time.

Well. On our second get-together we stopped at a restaurant and he was unspeakably rude to the waitress. I found the sudden personality switch disturbing. Even my abusive ex wouldn't have let his facade slip that badly. I forgave him, but I stayed on guard. A few days later while we were just shooting the breeze, he confessed everything to me: his history of petty crime and vandalism, the fact that he had been expelled from high school, and the fact that he has been blacklisted from his family. The fact that he can't stand commitment. The fact that he regrets having coerced one of his friends into becoming a heavy pot smoker. His life has been tough. He wants to change.

I felt bad for him. That's why I kept in touch.

Then I realized how little he must respect me in order to confess to all of that. Nobody with self-respect would stick around after hearing that. It struck me that none of his problems or mistakes are his own responsibility. It's all because of other people, the "snobs" and the "idiots" he has to put up with. Huge warning sign! At our last meeting he put on a series of action/thriller DVDs for us to watch. When I cringed at a torture scene, he laughed and called me squeamish. It seemed to irritate him. He was sarcastic to me on the drive home.

Today he went downtown with a "friend" and texted me at 9 PM asking if I could pick him up. He was all hearts and flowers and apologies. He was back into the bright, friendly, warm persona. But his story didn't add up.

I didn't respond to his text message. Instead, I dialled his number and said "Sorry. It's not going to work." He was so taken aback at actually hearing my voice that he ended the call immediately.

I'm going to repeat that line when he tries to get in contact again.

This is a first for me. I'm so used to feeling sympathy for people that I'll overlook the warning signs.

I don't like conflict. I feel like I'm being too judgmental. I'm extremely disappointed and I'll honestly miss our "adventures", but self-respect comes first. I feel like I've narrowly avoided an accident. Hurray for boundaries! Being alone isn't a bad thing.

 

[Mina]

Wow!! Well done. Sounds like you handled the situation with realism and respect for yourself. And that you definitely did the right thing! Good job on observing and heeding those red flags.

 

[Tija]

I just wanted to chime in that you did the right thing, rjtransient.. You deserve better.. Well Done!
Tija

 

[anni]

Whoa RJ,

I've done the same thing- with incredible accuracy to the point of dejavu-seriously! That's pertaining to pretty much every item in your post, with the exception being you stopped this person before it went any further. I think our dates were probably rude to the same poor waitress, too. Isn't THAT a huge red, dripping flag?

Feeling guilty and judgemental is inevitable, I think, because we're probably just wired that way regardless of the dam PTSD. Im guessing it's partly what gets folks like us into these situations in the first place, then gets nicely stuck and magnified thanks to the traumas. That's obviously a very un-clinical reading of it, but boy is your 'stuff' SO familiar!

Very cool for you to have been able to read this guy and know with zero doubts there's way too much darkness in any furture there. These people scare the crap out of me these days, mostly instantly and always to the point of over reaction, I know.

I'm actually finding myself rattled at the moment. I'd had something or other further but it all went to heck just now remembering some things. At least know you did an amazing job dealing with the this guy with drawing your lines and most of all protecting yourself.And It's not judgemental if you swerve your car to avoid that Mack Truck coming at you in your lane, right? That's just not getting squished like a bug.

Take care RJ. It must have been tough to write that post. I hope you're at least feeling a little better today, and as pleased with your survival skills as you deserve to be. I'm genuinely impressed.

Anni

 

[Marlene]

Good for you for putting yourself, your safety and your self-respect first. The warning signs are there for a reason and we only need to listen to our gut to know what to do.

Here's hoping he gets the hint and doesn't contact you again.

Lisa

 

[Grainne]

I can't tell you how much I respect you at this moment. Well done RJ.

Grainne

 

[Nicolette]

Excellent work!

 

[rjtransient]

Wow. Thank you so much for your comments, guys, honestly. I can't tell you how much it means to have your support.

Trusting my intuition has never led me astray, but trying to "rationalize" a situation has. I was thinking, "I should be more patient. I know what it's like to grow up in a dysfunctional family. He's basically just a kid who still has to learn about communication skills and conflict resolution." But he's not a kid -- he's 23. I wouldn't feel safe around him again. Now that I've cut off contact, I've realized he kind of frightens me. What's most disturbing is that he would probably take that as a compliment.

I haven't heard back from him, so luckily for me, it looks like he did take the hint. It's good to be free!

I'm just lucky I got out this fast. Always trust your gut. In the past, I've left people who didn't do anything really overtly wrong, but something felt "off" about them. Looking back, I can see they were using classic manipulative tactics. At the time, I didn't understand their motives. So I avoided them and felt like a jerk. It turns out my intuition had been right.

I'm sorry to anyone else who has had run-ins with this kind of individual. Thanks again for your kind words. :Hug_emoticon: (Anni - I tried to be extra nice to the waitress! The whole thing was distressing. I'm sorry you were caught up in something similar, for such a long time. These people seem to prey on compassionate types.)

As I just read on a website about warning signs/control tactics:

If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just doesn't seem to get it when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast.

 

[anni]

Yes RJ! That uncomfortable 'thing' you feel when out with someone really sets all the bells blazing, doesn't it? I'm not only empathetically ( not the New Agey inplication, I mean really feeling for the person ) crushed for people like the waitress that gets unloaded on, but pretty much flat-out frightened. It took AWHILE to not also extend that same feeling of empathy to the jerk, also, with the ' well, his father was an abusive alcoholic so....'. A swine is a swine no matter what sty begat the jerk, so to speak. :) Nice for us to finally be able to discern the mark of the potential abuser. Mine might as well have had a tattoo on his forehead, as clear as the signs were.

I still tend to badly over-tip these days, no doubt still a tad reactive. :)