Strange Star

[Pietro]

This self and parts thing is still hard to wrap my head around because one of my core beliefs is that we ARE the sum of our parts. I'm trying to nurture this faith in the idea that there is some deep/true self underneath all these parts).

I agree -- we are the sum of our parts. The parts cannot live individually on their own; they are not even separate identities -- they are only different aspects of a single identity.

All people could be said to have many parts, and an executive function -- the "adult" -- that pulls them all together. Trauma does a number of things to screw this up. It causes memory fragmentation that causes some parts to be frozen in time, and also causes memory repression, making some parts invisible consciously. Trauma also weakens the "adult" by eroding the identity, through these methods, and also because the emotional damage from the trauma can often include beliefs heavily based in shame, guilt, or self-loathing.

One of the main goals of trauma therapy is to pull these parts back together, as much as possible. To reconnect fragmented memories, and reveal repressed ones, emotional included -- much like putting together a puzzle. And to continuously strengthen the identity throughout the process, such that your "adult" becomes better at coping, both with trauma processing and with life in general.

Regardless of whether you view the parts as something physical or conceptual, you can look at them as simply a tool, a mechanism for bringing order to the recovery process. Something to wrap your head around.

Of course, all of this is wonderful, intellectually. :D But it doesn't do a damn thing to help you, emotionally. My therapist has even suggested I stay away from reading too much about the "theory" of all of this -- she believes it interferes with focusing on the emotional aspects. I haven't completely quit, but I have pulled-back on research, because I've found that she's largely right.

I wish I could something uplifting or amusing to help, but I know that none of that will work, anyway. I understand and empathize with what you're feeling and going through, and, to the extent that an online community like this helps, you are not alone. The people I communicate with here are on my mind every day. :) I hope today improves for you. :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pietro, thank you for your response and support. This forum has been a HUGE help and support to me. Even just seeing alerts in my little window makes me feel like I'm not so alone out here.

I'm sure your therapist is probably right about the research. I guess I keep reading about all this stuff because it makes me feel slightly less like I am spinning out of control and it has helped give me some vocabulary to talk about what is happening to me. As highly verbal as I am, I really struggle to describe physical sensations and emotions. I just bought a bunch of books that are aligned with the kind of therapy I've been doing. I'm hoping they might help me to focus my scattered thinking in between sessions. I have had a really hard time "being with" my inners...

All people could be said to have many parts, and an executive function -- the "adult" -- that pulls them all together. Trauma does a number of things to screw this up. It causes memory fragmentation that causes some parts to be frozen in time, and also causes memory repression, making some parts invisible consciously. Trauma also weakens the "adult" by eroding the identity, through these methods, and also because the emotional damage from the trauma can often include beliefs heavily based in shame, guilt, or self-loathing.

This is really helpful. Thank you. I need to keep reminding myself this. Maybe that's why I keep reading too...to keep reminding myself that many aspects of my development got screwed up.

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now - as my therapist keeps repeating to me, it is important to realise that these parts are not real; it is just an intellectual, Gestalt-based construct to allow us to access our pain and negative beliefs. It is easy to slip into fears related to schizophrenia and associated disorders, or to feel disordered on that basis (don't I just know it?). We are all one within our skin. I do wonder at the speed your therapist is taking you, but I know from my own experience that battling on so many fronts simultaneously is just awful and very exhausting. Trying to shelve some of it and deal with bits at a time might help - I don't know. Look after yourself and have a rest this Easter, if you can.

 

[Hope4Now]

I just got home from watching my daughter play her first lacrosse game. It is cold and pouring rain. She's gone home with a friend. I came home soaked and shivering. Funny that the physical discomfort took my mind off the emotional stuff for a while. Now that I've changed clothes and am wrapped in a blanket, it's all back. Maybe I should try extreme sports. All day, every day. LOL. I wonder if those crazy people are suffering from trauma and just don't know it.

I'm pretty sure this pain stuff I deal with is a form of dissociation. It scares the bejesus out of me to think what emotional pain the physical pain is hiding, given what I've been feeling like off and on for the past couple of weeks. Just makes the fear factor rise exponentially.

((@Echo)) and ((@Pietro))
What you both wrote is important to me. Keeps me from feeling too nutty, or like I'm suffering from multiple personality disorder.

Regardless of whether you view the parts as something physical or conceptual, you can look at them as simply a tool, a mechanism for bringing order to the recovery process. Something to wrap your head around.

it is important to realise that these parts are not real; it is just an intellectual, Gestalt-based construct to allow us to access our pain and negative beliefs.

I am hoping these self-therapy books will help me keep these ideas clear in my mind. I'm seeing my therapist twice a week, but it just isn't enough for me to cope with all this stuff, so I got the books. Of course, they make it all sound so easy--the healing of inner children and becoming free from the inner critic.

I just did an exercise on the inner critic. Of course, what came out was way more complicated than what the book's examples talked about. Was actually similar to what I did in my therapy session yesterday. Instead of just one part being noisy and needing attention, it was three parts all in relation to each other. If this stuff is making my own head spin, I kind of wonder what it is doing to my therapist who has to keep track of all of it. Ha! No wonder he needs to take notes.

 

[Pietro]

I am hoping these self-therapy books will help me keep these ideas clear in my mind. I'm seeing my therapist twice a week, but it just isn't enough for me to cope with all this stuff, so I got the books.

Regarding what I said about my therapist suggesting I lay-off the reading, she was only referring to reading about theory, not about practice, which sounds like the type of books you have. She suggests focusing on the doing, not the mechanics. :) I wish I could find more books about trauma therapy practice. Most of the self-help books focus on the "why" and do very poorly regarding the "self-help" part.

Instead of just one part being noisy and needing attention, it was three parts all in relation to each other.

I've had this. You do the same that you would do with physical children -- you tell them that you can only talk to one at a time, and choose the one that seems to be the priority at the time. You then cycle through their needs as you have time. In fact, in almost every aspect, it's useful to behave as if you're the parent and they are real children. This is sort-of the working model you want to move towards anyway, but, eventually, it's supposed to be a lot less work and more automatic.

Keeps me from feeling too nutty, or like I'm suffering from multiple personality disorder.

I think we've all worried about that. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pietro, I bought two books by Jay Earley (Freedom from the Inner Critic and one called Self-Therapy). Both take the Internal Family Systems approach and have exercises to do in them. They are quite similar to what I do in my therapy sessions...but I just read a warning in the latter one to proceed carefully if you have had trauma in your life. So I'm proceeding carefully. I can already see how my tendency to forge ahead in spite of lots of alarms going off would warrant this warning.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am so angry at and disappointed in myself right now. I woke up feeling pretty decent this morning. Less pain (it was horrible last night) and feeling more centered. Then I looked at the instructions for my rheumatology appointment today. My appointment was yesterday. This is the second time in two weeks I have missed an appointment. The first one just went out of my head. This one, I got the dates confused. I'm sure I'll end up having to pay for both of them, too. And that makes me even madder at myself. I also missed something on Sunday I was supposed to attend and people were disappointed. These aren't the only ones. These increasing missed engagements are really disturbing me.

I used to be a reasonably organized and dependable person. I have most always shown up when and where I'm supposed to and done what I'm supposed to. I look at the damned calendar most every day...try to see what's coming up so I can be prepared because so often one commitment requires multiple layers of moving things around to accommodate it. All this has become ridiculously impossible. It's like once the can of worms got opened up a bit, my nice functional parts that kept my life on track have been crippled. And I'm pissed off about it.

It's funny, I have been thinking in the past couple of days that I should start a thread on time. I have strangely shifting conceptions of time, and a lot of difficulty predicting how much time something will take, and trouble following a schedule I set for myself (except when I am in full managerial mode which I can't sustain for very long without crashing). I wonder if it has to do with this PTSD stuff. Maybe I will poke around and see what people have said about it in the past.

All kinds of things zinging around my brain this morning. As I took the day off to go to this appointment which I no longer need to do, I think I am going to spend some time writing about all the polarizations I feel in myself. I think this is what exhausts me most, and keeps me frozen (e.g., run away/stay; hurry/take your time; let other people in/don't trust anyone...and so many more). It's like for every single conscious thought/action in my life, there's a completely dysfunctional board of trustees micromanaging and I'm left utterly confused about which one to listen to.

 

[Echo]

Please just accept you need time for yourself, time just to be, time for your brain to DO nothing. It is processing so much. I have had to simplify my life so much and it takes a great deal of effort and planning of my energy to do anything just now. If I work hard for 3 or 4 days, I seem to need to take a week off (not because I want to, but because my brain is numbed out and there needs to be a window to process the next big, shocking thing or sequence of events.). Please accept that the process of processing has value and your mind is giving you clues that you cannot carry on as before. Not just now anyway. Maybe never again, but that may well be due to choices you make rather than future constraints. You need to let the intellectual thoughts percolate down into the physical and allow the release on the somatic level. We can't stay in our brains the whole time. Give yourself some peace, please, @Hope4Now.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Echo thank you for saying this. As I said to Pietro in some thread, I need to keep hearing this over and over again. It make so much sense. And I, of course, would be the first to advise the same if I was reading what someone else was writing. Why I can't seem to listen to that part of myself is part of the vicious cycle.

One of my most activated and powerful defenses is to forge ahead, no matter how I feel. It comes from a clear and conscious core belief that "If I can just get through this, then everything will be okay." The "this" I need to get through ranges from little daily things like returning a phone call, to medium issues (like when I continued to entertain house guests at a vacation home for a week after I had shattered my elbow on the first day and was in a temporary cast and excruciating pain), to major crises like when my father died suddenly. The "this" is forever replicating itself, moment to moment, day to day, etc.

It is really hard for me to slow down, to allow myself peace. I'm extreme--all or nothing. I don't know how to find a middle ground. In the past six months I have tried to slow down in many ways--although I hardly ever seem to be able to slow down intellectually. When I actually manage to relax...really...even for 10 minutes, I tend to go into emotional overwhelm and end up unable to do much. This happened on Monday morning. Then, when the overwhelm passes enough, I launch into full-speed ahead again. (The only time this cycle gets interrupted is when I'm having bodywork done...with few exceptions, during that hour, everything in my system relaxes...it's just that it doesn't stay that way).

This is a huge issue. Like I am pretty sure I should take a leave of absence from work. Yet, I can't seem to make myself do it. Just the thought of it makes me go blank or into panic even though I desperately want to take the time. It feels like it would make everything in my life come to pieces. I guess I need to talk this over with my therapist again. We had this conversation in January. He thought I should take time off then. I did start working fewer hours, but that only helps a little.

Ugh. Blah blah blah. Just the same old runaround in my head...this is why I write that I am so tired of myself!

I'm just going to keep re-reading your post. Maybe it will sink in. ((you)).

 

[Hope4Now]

Okay, this is really eerie.

In December, I took the Enneagram personality test. It was amazingly accurate and very informative. When I took it, I signed up for their daily email tip of the day that is associated with my personality type...a "5." These emails continue to stun me with their accuracy...else I would have unsubscribed long ago.

So here's what's eerie.

This morning, I was trying to get up the courage to talk to my husband about my feeling like I need to take a leave of absence from work. It didn't come out right because I couldn't actually be direct. Instead, I admitted how much work I have missed and how much this upsets me and I don't know what to do (see...giving him power instead of just stating what I need). Anyway, he ended up encouraging me to find more balance in my life...to stop spending so much time on PTSD stuff because maybe it is making me less functional. That I'm too obsessed with it. About 10 minutes later, I looked at the email from Enneagram. Here is what it said:

Today, observe your attraction to the dark side' of life... Many Fives find it helpful to investigate possible traumas in their childhood or infancy. These traumatic events often lead to a compulsive interest in disturbing subjects. Is your interest in these topics harming your ability to function in the world? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 225)

Yikes. Dead-on. I don't know if is my compulsive interest in these topics that is making me dysfunctional, or that my dysfunctionality has driven my compulsive interest in these topics. Either way--extreme. It is very hard for me to focus on much else. It feels like a complete crisis to be in my skin, and the only thing I can do is hyperfocus on solving the crisis. Which is creating its own crisis...

I feel like I'm locked in a room filled with funhouse mirrors.

 

[Pietro]

When I first started trauma therapy, I spent enormous amounts of time on it. Just like you, I was in problem solving mode. And when I have a juicy problem to work through, I jump in feet first and give it everything I can. Over time, though, I began to accept something that my therapist had been telling me -- that, no matter how much conscious work you put into this, it's still going to take its own damned time to resolve, and that could be years. Thus, in the meantime, you still need to try and live life, which is important for helping to resolve trauma as well, because it strengthens you. Give it time -- you won't stay hyper-focused on this forever. :)

That said...

This has nothing to do with what you're feeling. Certainly, at some point, your conscious focus on this will subside -- but you don't control your subconscious activity. The physical pain, the memories, dreams, and flashbacks -- these are not going to stop just because you don't put so much conscious effort into research and processing, as long as you're not doing anything to specifically repress these things.

If you feel that you need time to get emotionally stabilized and can afford to do so, you should still consider taking time off of work. I have no idea about your husband's personality, nor of the context of y'all's conversation, but it sounds like he's mitigating what you're going through. Also, I hear something in his response that sounds familiar, because I respond the same way regarding money issues -- fear of losing income, and rationalization to do anything to preserve it.

Regarding the email, I believe there is truth to this, but, again, it's focusing on conscious behaviors. Most of the things making you consider taking leave are coming from your subconscious.

I've considered taking leave, before. I haven't had to do it (thus far ;) ). It all seems so illogical that you are the super-human task-completing angel of organization all of your life, then, suddenly, you hardly want to get out of bed. This is a message. You've told me to listen to the messages my body gives to me, right? :D It doesn't mean that you just say, "Woe is me" and give up, only that your focus needs to be on taking care of yourself for a little while. You have taken care of everyone else all of your life, quietly put-up with everyone else's crap and invalidation, and your identity finally said "enough". Same happened to me.

I'm not trying to suggest that you should take leave or not -- that decision needs to be yours. But make the decision based upon your needs and not on what you think everyone else needs you to do. Trauma processing requires some extra selfishness, just for a little while. And if you think about it, you'd probably find that you've more than earned the right to this.

 

[Hope4Now]

I had a really good day today. It started off awful...last night I did something to my toe/ball of my foot (I don't know what...really I don't know...dissociation? spaciness?) and it was excruciatingly painful and still hurt terribly this morning. Then I had the odd experience I posted about earlier. But then, I went to work and managed to be focused and productive. I took way too much advil which helped the toe/foot pain calm down. And I discovered that two big things I needed to do with my new book I had actually done months ago and just forgotten about (how's that for memory issues...have been worrying about this and it was done all the time). All that's left to do now is the glossary updates and the page numbers. I can't believe it. It has been one of my albatrosses (albatri?) and only through sheer and painful exertion of will have I managed to vomit it out. Will send it to people next week to get endorsements (I hope) and then...freedom!

The next project is very easy--only creating a layout for a 2nd edition of one of my older books which has already been revised and edited. If I can manage to get that out and score another grant before the end of June, I will have miraculously fulfilled most of my obligations for work this year even though I haven't put in my full hours. I'm not sure I will be able to pull it off, but maybe I can. It helps that I've been let off the hook for a lot of the consulting work (and travel) with schools and that I'm not teaching any grad courses for the foreseeable future. That hurts financially, but those really destroy me since all the ptsd symptoms have gone haywire.

The other really cool thing that happened was that yesterday, I had a kind of breakthrough. I was lying on the floor half meditating/half sleeping/half just reflecting (oops that's 3 halves). I was trying to connect with my little 3 yo self and an infant part that I am supposed to be working with. Big fail. So I was trying to figure out what was in the way. I had been reading this Self-Therapy book I got, and was sort of vaguely following the steps it suggested which match up with what my therapist does for me. IT WORKED! Without the torturous effort I usually have to put in! I was able to identify a "protector" part that was preventing me from connecting with the child parts of myself. It was really clear what it was and what it's intentions were. I started talking to it, asking it what it was worried about, etc., and suddenly it kind of let go and revealed it was protecting a 6 yo part of myself that appeared to me with quite clear memories. Nothing traumatic with a bit T traumatic, but two really tough experiences that gave rise to this protector part. I can't believe how easily all this came to me, and how easy it was to feel compassion for these parts of myself that work so hard. I didn't resolve any of it yet, but just the fact that it happened gave me a lot more hope that I can actually do this stuff without constantly flipping out.

This afternoon, just before I met with my therapist, I got a phone call from the social worker who has charge of my adoption file. She has been helpful in sending me some information I never had before. I don't think I've written about this stuff in my diary here, but I initiated a contact process a couple months ago. Actually, re-initiated (I had been in anonymous contact with my birth mother about 17 year ago and I ended it sort of abruptly. Not really sure why exactly). Anyway, I sent notarized release forms so the state where I was adopted could release my contact information to my birth mother and half-sister. The social worker has sent my letter along to them after speaking with them today. So, we'll see what happens next. My therapist was intrigued by all this (I guess I had never mentioned to him that I was doing this). It kind of derailed the session, but we both acknowledged that maybe it was important to talk about it.

It was a weird session. I was kind of hyper and feeling pretty good and talking fast. He's good--he calls it right away when I'm in my head and not my heart. So, we did very little emotional work today. But it was okay. We had a long conversation about how one is supposed to heal infant parts of oneself when one cannot speak to them. I'm still a bit stuck on that. He says it's physical. I countered: "How do you heal physical needs when the entity is not physical?" He said, "It is in your body's memory." We need to explore this a lot more. It gets at one of the core issues I have regarding the need for physical connection. @Pencil, you'll appreciate this bit.

Then, at the end of the session, I mentioned that my husband was available to come in next week. My T has been asking to have a joint appointment with him for months now. I'm a bit flipped out by this, but know that it is important both for my T to understand me better (he has met my son, but not my husband or daughter) and for C to be part of all this. Scares me though. Anyway, that's beside the real point. As I was waiting for my T to photocopy something I gave him, I told him that C had given up on the therapist he tried--it was a bad match. My T offered to recommend someone. I told him it had to be someone who was progressive in their understanding of gender issues. My T at first thought I was referring to my own gender issues. When I clarified that, no, this was C's own gender issues he was surprised (I think sometimes I leave him reeling with these bits of information that are part of my own day-to-day life but don't get mentioned in therapy because there's no time). And we started talking about it, then, thankfully, he said, "Let's hold this conversation for another time when you're not on your way out. I don't want to leave you up in the air with all this," because he could see I was getting riled. Suddenly, I found myself having revealed something about my relationship with C that is a big issue and a big secret in our lives.

Then, as if that weren't enough, my daughter's friend and her mother came over impromptu tonight. The mom is a sort-of-friend and for some reason I talked all about my PTSD and what's happening. She was very receptive and sympathetic, but I am regretting having shared so much.

I am dangerously revealing of myself when I'm in happy/hyper mode. At least it feels dangerous. We'll see what the fallout is in the coming weeks. Yikes.

I just re-read this post. I guess I'm still in happy/hyper mode. All over the place. But I like myself better in this mode than some of the others. Wish it could last.