Strange Star

[sun seeker]

WHO is looking at my diary here?

Um... me?:oops::shy:
I can stop if you'd rather.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I care for you. Hugs.

 

[Hope4Now]

I can stop if you'd rather.

NO! It doesn't freak me out when I know who looks...and I know you, because you post and click like! I was just letting my imagination go wild. Please do keep reading, Sun!

 

[Hope4Now]

Thanks, @gizmo

I care for you. Hugs.

I care for you too. :hug::hug:

 

[Pietro]

Just a note about Facebook picking-up on your purchases that might help alleviate some of the paranoia. :) When you make a purchase through a large online website, they leave information in special browser "cookies", which are little storage units browsers place into your computer's storage. Normally, they're very useful, because they store commonly used data, eliminating the need to type it all the time.

However, some cookies are used in-common by multiple websites for the purpose of tracking your purchases and preferences. Such cookies are sponsored by other, third-party companies that specialize in this. "DoubleClick" is one such company, for example. Thus, when you make a purchase at a site like Amazon, it likely stores a cookie into one of these 3rd-party cookies that other sites, who also subscribe to the 3rd-party service, can then read later-on in order to show you purchase options aligned with what you've already purchased.

In short, Facebook probably didn't get the information off of the Internet somewhere, but, more likely, directly from one of the cookies stored on your computer. :/ Why is this better? Because you can have more control over this. There are programs and techniques you can use to block this kind of activity, at least to some degree. Facebook and other companies certainly do mine the Internet for your information, and also purchase it, at times. But that information is very general and doesn't help them very much in identifying what your buying preferences are. Those cookies are much more useful for that.

So, while the practice is still very much creepy and, IMHO unethical, it's at least somewhat contained and controllable. :) Not sure you were looking for a whole technical dissertation on this subject, which you kinda got. :meh: Sorry.

I hate Facebook for many reasons, mostly related to seeing the faux facades of everyone else's oh-so wonderful families and lives, while my life is dominated by health issues, mental issues, and special needs children. I am slowly starting to get more comfortable with it. Very slowly. But I also don't like their privacy practices (or lack thereof). Most large Internet-oriented companies are bad in this respect, but Facebook is the worst.

 

[Hope4Now]

Parts of me are still very invested in having me believe that this is not really happening, nor--if it is--is it happening to me.

LOL. I had a hard time getting into the house a few minutes ago. Too much in the garden. Did too much. Didn't realize I was doing to much. I suppose I will have to set a timer or something. Almost collapsed. And I'm saying to myself, "What the hell is wrong with me!?! Why is this happening?!?" And then I realized...for the 8 millionth time. "Oh. I have PTSD. I really do. My body is reminding me that it is real." Sigh. Going to nap now after I wrangle my way out of my dirty clothes and take all my office stuff off the bed and put it onto the floor so I can lie down. Sigh. It's always a production. Everything. Sigh. Grr. Bleh.

 

[sun seeker]

And I'm saying to myself, "What the hell is wrong with me!?! Why is this happening?!?" And then I realized...for the 8 millionth time. "Oh. I have PTSD. I really do. My body is reminding me that it is real." Sigh.

"Sigh" is right. I could have written this myself. You just saved me the trouble. ;) You're doing great at learning to take care of yourself. One step at a time.

 

[Hope4Now]

More and more nightmares happening. Every night this week. Yay because it means I am sleeping more and getting REM sleep. But yuck. Is this a good thing? I'm not sure. I awaken pretty scrambled/flooded. Eventually, when I remember parts of the dreams, they tell me an awful lot about what I am feeling. The symbolism is still pretty blatantly obvious. Laughably so. My inner parts are pretty literal in their communication. LOL. Perhaps this is my system's way of preparing me for the emotional overwhelm to get processed instead of shoved into some dark corner of my psyche and locked up. Because increasingly there are emotions experienced in the dreams. Hmmm.

Today is the day I am going to go back and begin reading through my first journal begun in the fall of 2013, before I started in psychotherapy. To see if there is a story to be told through the journal itself. To see if any of it is usable as it is, or if I have to weave it together in a more literary way. I'm not sure I have it in me to do the latter. I would like to be able to just edit the journals and tell the story that way, as it seems more real and true than something like a memoir. Even though a memoir is true too. It's just that memoirs present already processed memory. Journals are raw and filled with contradiction and confusion. A bit more like actual experience. So, we'll see.

The idea is to put together a journal of the first year. Maybe just for me, because I think it is time for me to go back and take a good long look at where I am now in relation to where I was then. But maybe I will share it too. Not sure yet. We'll see. I do not know why I feel nervous about going back to read. I have occasionally flipped through and read an entry or two, then put the journal back in the pile. There are six filled journals now.

Today is also the day I am supposed to continue where we left off in therapy on Friday. I am very nervous about this because I still don't quite understand what happened on Friday. My therapist was different that day (in a good way I think), and I was different that day too. I'm not sure if it was a good way or not. A scary way. What happened on Friday scared the hell out of me. I have been nudging at remembering it all through the weekend, but my mind sort of veers away from it or I start to get really overwhelmed.

I am handling overwhelm a little bit better these days, though. In a kinder and gentler way. This is good. I am still terrified of exploding, though. But I didn't. Stuff from the inside leaked out to the outside on Friday. I didn't explode. My therapist seemed unharmed. Maybe it really will all be okay. Maybe he really can help me be one whole person whose insides and outsides match. I cannot even begin to imagine what that will look like.

 

[sun seeker]

I cannot even begin to imagine what that will look like.

Kind of like this :cool: but with blue hair?;)

 

[Hope4Now]

but with blue hair?;)

Yep. Am putting the blue in this morning. Before I read the journal. Decided to wait until AFTER the big in-law dinner last night. They they would truly know I'm nuts. I think just the haircut was enough for them :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:.

 

[Hope4Now]

:wideeyed:

My hair is now highligted in blue. :cool:? or :confused:?
I was too :chicken: to make it all blue.
What used to be gray bits are now VERY blue. The brown bits are more subtle.
Not sure about this new look. I've never colored my hair any color before. But I'm having fun with it. :D.
I'm glad it's not permanent. In 2-3 washes it will supposedly come out.

 

[Hope4Now]

Disappear,
Be invisible,
DON'T let anybody see--
Even me--
Then it isn't real.
I can't see myself.
Then I can.

I am supposed to be able to see myself. Other people see themselves, apparently. It's not a perception thing. More of a slippage of conception. Nothing wrong with my eyes (other than nearsightedness). As a body, a person, an embodied self, I come in and out of my own focus. I am much calmer when I'm out of focus. Preferably invisible. Even though I'm not. It is a really sick bifurcation. Or explosion of consciousness. Or something. Don't like being embodied. Not at all. But have to be if I want to heal. There's the issue. Bleh.

Trying to convince myself to be in my body. My self is not having much of it. Very low tolerance. My t would say it's parts getting in the way, and he's probably right. But it doesn't feel that way. It is so dangerous for me to be in my body, for me to get the great disappearer to stand down, that the destructor elbows its way in and wreaks havoc literally and metaphorically. I think the metaphorical havoc is way worse. I'm fighting it off.

Damn it is hard to walk this tightrope when I'm carrying so many frantic parts inside of me. Am having I Hate My Parts moments today. Not nearly as nice as my It's A Wonderful Life moment the other day. So I will disappear myself into what I hope will turn out to be a nap instead of doing stupid ugly things to myself. Neither is a particularly good choice at this point. I know that. But the first is preferable to the second, I think, even though some parts are arguing pretty persuasively otherwise. Good night for now. Mom is going to have to wait for her groceries until later. Sigh.