Strange Star

[Echo]

Hi @Hope4Now - I am, of course, no expert at all, in any way, but for what it is worth, Winnicott's notion of the false self came to mind when reading your post. Dismiss it out of hand if you feel no resonance. I feel there may be something there, at least in part, for me. Maybe you can feel the 'edges' of this false self inside you and need to let it go now?

Again a disclaimer that I am not a psychologist. This is just an intuited thing.

 

[Echo]

Post deleted. Apologies, I felt I should not have shared what I wrote - for reasons of identification.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Echo I didn't see the post you deleted anyway. No worries. Thank you for the Winnicott suggestion. I will try to read about it. I am still desperately trying to hold off the flood of stuff that keeps overcoming me. Not good, but I will get through it one way or another.

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now - Essentially, I was talking about rebirthing your authentic self, the one that is hidden under your false, cultivated self. The cultivated self that is the self we created to survive our childhood difficulties. My point was, and I was really only wondering, whether that cultivated self could be raped, emotionally and otherwise, whereas the fully experienced authentic self could not. I think I do believe that when we stand in our full power and are our real creative selves, with no apologies or deferrment to others' needs, that we can no longer be emotionally raped, or energetically drained.

 

[Faerie]

Hope4Now, I haven't gotten to read your whole diary yet, but I can really relate to what I have read! I'm pretty sure I have repressed memories of sexual abuse (other abuse I have memories of), and I think it's come out in the form of physical pain. My hip has been off kilter for a long time now and I have had lots of inexplicable pains throughout my body (very much like fibromyalgia). Healing touch/s-c massages help me a lot too, as did finding out all my food intolerances. I really think the abuse has played a big part in my health issues, not just the pain, but the ton of stomach problems I have too. It has literally nearly killed me, but apparently my subconscious doesn't think my mind is ready yet to know what really happened so I can deal with the trauma properly. I know my physical issues won't completely clear up until I sort through everything. Btw, you can get certified, as a non-medical person even, in healing touch therapy so you can do it to yourself. I keep meaning to, but never get the chance.

I've got a three year old little girl locked up in me too, tho she's not someone else's child, she always feels like my own.


~Faerie

 

[Hope4Now]

@Faerie, I'm sorry you have similar physical issues! Really sorry! It is extremely frustrating to know that physical issues are caused by trauma, but not to have full memory of what really happened. It makes one feel so powerless. It's re-traumatizing, really. Ugh. My sympathies!!! Thank you for sharing your experience with me. The three-year old is surely you. I've been spending a lot of time with mine lately.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Echo, thank you. I started to read about the true self/false self, but I think it will have to wait for a time when I am better able to process...in my true self (LOL).

rebirthing your authentic self, the one that is hidden under your false, cultivated self.

This is a really, really intriguing concept. I think you're onto something. I have some access to my authentic self-energy, as my weekend showed me and made me feel. I did feel like nothing could violate me. This is allowing me, to some extent, to ride this nasty road that I ended up on this morning. I hope I can ride it out. It is a miserable ride.

Thanks for posting here today. I really appreciate it!

 

[Hope4Now]

I am frustrated. I simply cannot seem to find the time or quiet space to just rest. I need it desperately. I went into power work mode today...good in some ways because I got stuff done, but bad in others because clearly my body doesn't like it (having a lot of pain today).

I did lie down, just now, for 15 minutes, but during that time the phone rang three times (I didn't answer), my daughter's voice as she mixed singing with saying her history notes aloud was driving me totally nuts (still is right now!) and that makes me feel guilty , the dog was invading my space, and then the oven buzzer went off and I had to leap to it...get the stupid fish out and make sure the rice didn't burn. I'm not even hungry.

Later...all this chaos is just life I guess. Got dinner going and cleaned up and was desperate to go rest, then my son called me up to "come here NOW Mom" and proceeded to show me some thing in the internet that purported to be from the FBI regarding internet porn and telling him he was in trouble for looking gat porn sites. (Sinking feeling...what now??!!) It was a scam of course. But it begged a discussion of his internet use for this stuff. I was so happy that he trusted me enough to talk about it (and the talk went for well over an hour). It was an amazing parent-child conversation--better than I ever could have hoped--yet part of me was just so exhausted that all I could think was, "I really just want to go lie down and be quiet forever."

Sigh. I am so sick of being so overwhelmed by my childhood craziness that I can't be fully here for my own children. Guilt guilt guilt shame shame shame.

 

[Pencil]

I relate so well. I had a guest who overstayed her welcome - yesterday I snapped at her and she beat a hasty retreat. Then of course I felt awful. I swing between being a bitch and being mortified.

I miss talking to you, but I am trying to keep my 'childhood craziness' at a safe distance at the moment so that I can function. Plus, I'm terrified of NOT finding what we are both looking for, so I'm keeping an eye on your therapy progress, hoping for good news.

So wishing good things for you.

 

[Hope4Now]

I miss talking to you, but I am trying to keep my 'childhood craziness' at a safe distance at the moment so that I can function. Plus, I'm terrified of NOT finding what we are both looking for, so I'm keeping an eye on your therapy progress, hoping for good news. So wishing good things for you.

I understand the "safe distance" stuff. I've been fairly overwhelmed by my inner children this week. Yesterday when I was able to shut off for a while, I was able to function for much of the day.

Therapy progress is good I think. I am getting better at picking up the phone to call him for support. The fact that he's always there to talk, or calls me back to talk very shortly afterward really helps my sense of trust in him. I shared with him some of my poems, and much of what I wrote about the weekend away. I am taking steps to show a bit of my vulnerability. We'll see. I did another cranial-sacral session with the same person I mentioned in the conversation with you. That is enormously helpful...a step in the right direction toward the nurturing touch I need to calm my system. It's made me think that I will start going back to the reiki clinic I used to attend several years ago. That is very similar in terms of total quiet and gentle touch...and it's a clinic so that you only have to pay what you can.

Thank you for your good wishes. I wish goodness and happiness and health and peace right back at you, @Pencil.

 

[Hope4Now]

Finally last night my husband fell asleep, and the kids fell asleep, and the dog fell asleep in her crate,and it was quiet. Late, but quiet. I lay on the bed and did a short breathing meditation, then tried to pay attention to the "inner children" I've identified. This did not go well and I don't know what it means.

One is in extreme shock, and the others are all physically harming themselves in awful ways. My 3 year old self was hiding what she did to herself. Practically gave me a panic attack...had to shut down. I've got some toxic stuff rushing around my system, I guess, for these kinds of images to keep coming up. I can't seem to make this stuff recede. Maybe I just visualize packing them all up and taking them to the hospital for treatment. I am glad I see my therapist tomorrow.

 

[Pencil]

One is in extreme shock,

Ditto, and how do you make a therapist understand that 'she' is not to be reasoned with, and that I can NOT deal with her. And that 'she' is not fit to 'grow'. Huh? Huh??