Strange Star

[Pietro]

one of my top 3 triggers that sends me into total psychological overload is being unable to meet other people's competing needs.

Yup, this is a good one. The bane of my existence. ;)

I try to assign priorities. With regard to family, this would be my kids, then my elders; but if someone is ill, then that person might become a priority -- no matter what else was planned. If your mother can't understand this, or won't, it's not worth trying convince her. It's common sense to support those who are sick, first and foremost; plays and most other activities are a much lower priority.

If you have multiple illnesses to deal with, one possibility is divide and conquer; but it largely depends upon the nature and severity of the illnesses as well. If UB is that ill, then I would say that he is the priority. Your mother may need some medical attention, but it can wait -- regardless of how she feels about it.

Since you and your husband are the ones responsible for taking care of everyone, y'all get to make the decisions, and if others don't like it, it is their problem. This is not being selfish; this is being practical, trying to do the absolute best you can with difficult and complex circumstances, and completely impossible expectations from others.

I finally learned, with regard to my mother, that I'll never be able to make her happy, no matter what I do, what decisions I make. It will always be hit or miss with her, depending upon how it strikes her expectations. More importantly, I'm not responsible for making her or anyone else happy, just as no one is responsible for doing that for us (would that this were possible ;) ).

If you crash and burn, who will take care of UB or your mother then? Your kids? Therefore, by logic, you must be allowed to manage your "ship", damn other people's feelings and expectations when overwhelmed. Because, obviously, no one is caring much about your feelings and needs by making demands that you can't meet.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but it is possible. I will likely long have the underlying feeling that I'm a jerk because I think in this way, now, but at least I'll be a jerk with my sanity. ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

Thanks @Pietro, I needed to hear that. You're right of course. I just wish I could feel at peace with it. Wish my heady common-sense could integrate with my heart...or my core beliefs or whatever it is that makes me feel this way. I'm damned either way--if I go with my head, I feel like a jerk; if I go with my heart, I'll never be able to do enough to make myself feel worthy and will continue to make myself sick trying. So I'm kind of stuck somewhere in between doing whatever I can inconsistently, incompletely, and half-assed.

Just muddling through, I guess.

I am determined not to crash and burn, so maybe I do have some boundaries in there somewhere.

But now, I must go and prepare orzo salad for 50 people. My own damned fault. I signed up to contribute to the faculty luncheon at my daughter's school. Ha! This is what I do to myself. Felt like I should to be a grateful mother (I am) and a responsible contributer to the faculty appreciation cause (especially because I was always the beneficiary of it when I was teaching).

This is why my mother is, fundamentally, right. I have created all this stress in my life. Either through taking on obligations voluntarily, or through the way I react to things. It is my fault, and I have to fix it. It really pissed me off when she said it...multiple times. But that's one of the problems I have with her...there is often a kernel of truth in what she says. That's what penetrates the bat cape. So, even though she is one of the big reasons I have all these issues, I'm the adult now. I need to stand up on my own damned feet and stop feeling so whimpery that I'm not enough and never will be.

Why I cannot manage myself, I just don't get. I am a good manager/leader at work. I have sat on a variety of boards of trustees . I was a good classroom teacher. I have successfully chaired committees. I can do this stuff externally. I don't much like it (I much prefer to disappear into the background and just exert my influence from afar) but I can do it. No matter how much I practice, however, I can't seem to get the hang of managing myself...my thinking, my emotions, my needs. It is so frustrating to see what needs to happen, but be unable to do it.

 

[Pietro]

It is frustrating; but you're being way too hard on yourself. :) No matter what issues you're having, you're probably still far more productive than the average person, in reality. Also, your mother's judgmental attitude is not helping. She has no right to sit there and judge you, accuse you, when she was the origin of the very behavior she's criticizing. She makes herself comfortable in her denial of her own sins, at your expense.

Making chaos is a coping mechanism as well -- it keeps us from having to deal with our inner crap. I'm also an "expert" at this, and still haven't figured-out how to really organize, prioritize, and stay present for my own life. I always want to do too much at one time.

As far as managing yourself, the closer you are, emotionally to someone, the harder this is, I've found. Which means it's most difficult to do for yourself because you always have to work upstream against your own emotional baggage. Just like it's easier to deal with your husband's family than your own -- less emotional baggage to fight against.

You're working incredibly hard and focused on doing all of these things better for yourself by working through all of the emotional obstacles. What more could anyone ask of you? What more could you ask of yourself?

 

[amy4k]

Hugs Hope! So much there to trigger dissociation. Don't forget to take 10-15 minutes for yourself every couple of hours.

I am right there, again, with you about the frustration of not being able to do all that I was able to do just a few years ago. Without keeping notes on my phone and the white board at the house I would be so lost everyday.

Take care.

 

[Go Hungry]

You sound like an amazingly responsible person, though you may feel like you are not. I couldn't imagine volunteering to make a 50+ person salad! And yes, you probably do need to try and take out some time for you, even if it's just 15 minutes every now and then. This is usually quite easier said than done.. But you're worth it. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

UB is somewhat stable for the moment. Had surgery last night. We will go up on Friday.

I had to write what's below just to make concrete why I am having so much trouble keeping it together this morning.

Snippet of my life with PTSD...today's first 7 hours...

• got up at 6:45 AM finally after waking up at 5 AM. Had gone to bed with a lot of body movements/flashback energy swirling (worried my husband a little who usually doesn't see this) and woke up with the movements too. Lay there waiting to see if son would get up without me having to wake him (he was scheduled to pick up my mother (20 minutes away) at 7:30 AM to take her to the dentist) and listening to my husband talk through his insane (truly, insane) schedule of obligations today, and trying to talk my inner child parts into calming down a little. At 6:50 AM, already feeling overwhelmed, I went to wake son from deep sleep. To his credit, he managed to be relatively polite and got showered in record time.
• My flashback body stuff intense in shower. Fighting to stay present and not get lost in that unfocused thing that makes me non-functional and asking the baby energy to just settle a little to let me do what I need to do. It worked a little...enough. Got everything ready to manage what was/is a very tightly scheduled day.
  
• Upon son's return, asked him to carry the big aluminum container of orzo salad for 50 to my car. Just inside the gate to our driveway, the container folded in on itself and spilled 1/3 of the contents on the bricks. I froze for a moment and heard myself moaning "Oh, no, no, no!" Son froze too. Dog did not--immediately started wolfing it down. I got control of myself and took the container from my son and went back into the house, leaving son standing there.
  
• Husband came running downstairs asking if someone was hurt. Husband went out to comfort son while I stood trying to put the salad back into something that looked like before (I had done a decent presentation). I realized son was upset. Husband came in to hug me. I started to cry along with all the shaking and body movements, but stopped. Said I wasn't mad at son, I was just so on the edge that this sent me over. Husband said "It's okay, you're fragile right now," and tried to soothe me. So kind of him because he too was rushing to deliver stuff to a huge event he is running today...volunteer catering all himself with son's help for 75 people...unbelievable but so predictable that he took this on AGAIN...5th year in a row and not the only event this year.
  
• There was no time to give or receive comfort; I was in "get it together mode." I had to comfort son (who was crying). I had to not fall apart and make husband have to stop and support me. I had to get the f-ing salad delivered before I had to pick up my mother from the dentist, return her to her apartment, and go to work. I reassured husband that I was okay. Hugged and kissed son and told him I wasn't mad at HIM because it was an accident that could have happened to anyone (true), and that I was just upset because I had spent so much time on the presentation that I didn't have time to re-do. He said he was crying because he was mad at himself. This made my heart break. Dropping the stupid salad was such a minor thing. It was silly for it to have sent me into a tailspin...but everything seems to do that to me these days. We held each other for a bit and we both settled down. He is such an excellent kid. I think he felt better after that. We held up sign-language "I love you" signals to each other as I was driving away, and he was smiling.
• I shook and jolted and tried to stay focused on the drive. Dropped the f-ing salad at the school and ran into the school psychologist who, I hope, did not notice my shakiness and distractedness. Had an ironic conversation (from my perspective) on implementing mindfulness meditation in the classroom and resources available. She wanted to know if I had hooked up my daughter with a therapist yet (no...guilt, guilt, guilt).
• Phone rang from kid's dentist while I was talking to her. I panicked...forgot dentist appointment. Started recalibrating how I could manage to get daughter to HER dentist appointment in 20 minutes when she was probably still asleep at home and I was in a different town. Ended conversation abruptly. Finally came up with a plan...called home but nobody answered. Then, suddenly, I realized that today is only Thursday. The appointment is not until tomorrow. Time keeps speeding up and slowing down on me. It is totally disorienting. And I think my mother is bad!
  
• I got lost for a moment on the way home. I had to pull over to the side of the road to try to re-ground. Blasted the music, played rhythms on my thighs, chugged my coffee, and managed to extract myself from the push-me-pull-you tug-of-war (remember that creature from Dr. Doolittle...that's me) of flashback and dissociation. Lost 20 minutes there. Just made it to my mother's dentist as they were helping her out to the street to meet me.
• I dropped her at her apartment, promising to pick her up tonight to take her to the musical for which I had to purchase more tickets because I missed the one we were supposed to attend. Had to buy another ticket too, to take my daughter so she would not be home all by herself all day AND all evening. Am already anxious about taking them together tonight because it is so very toxic for me when I'm with them at the same time. I swore I wouldn't do it again, but here I am doing it...trying to meet everyone else's needs but my own.
• Now I am at work but not working. I had to sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes because I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. Had an image of something I've seen before but not for a while. I don't know what it relates to, but probably all the rest of this stuff that keeps bubbling up into some promisingly clear narrative vision, then vanishing again. I am writing this when I should be finishing a proposal for a big state contract, but I am having trouble focusing on it and thought it would help to write all this out. I think it did, a little. I'm shaking and jolting less but still feeling fuzzy. My "self" is balancing on the back of the push-me-pull-you of my parts.

Am listening to Ellis while I try to focus. She has a wonderfully disconcerting laugh, and a kind of rambling musical style...part song, part poem, part conversation. Her lyrics are so raw from the heart, and so resonant for me right now that I am able to feel some sense of connection to something larger than my own internal experience.

The bigger picture of my future life is getting clearer to me. Its clarity seems to emerge in direct proportion to my current miserable state. I suspect this is the way all this psychotherapy is supposed to work...crossing back over the past in order to spiral forward to whatever comes next (I'd prefer a straight line or gentle curve). I could do without the past parts, but now that they have invaded my life, I need to make friends with them so we can set each other free.

Uh oh. The gang is about to descend into my office for a triple-crown meeting...program, marketing, new projects...I wish I were at the beach in that drumming circle again. Maybe I'll try to get to that place in my mind and stay there to get through the next 10 hours.

 

[amy4k]

The following may sound kind of crazy or out there, but how are you with visualizing your inner world? I have the ability to move in and out and interact with my parts which helps some, but also means I am more open to their "stuff". At the beginning I had a lot of problems with my two youngest parts constantly needing or expressing so as part of their safe place I "created" a caretaker for them. Someone who could be with them and comfort them when I needed to focus on other things. She isn't a part, more like kind of like the landscape. I call her to the safe place when I need her.

She came in handy today. This morning we found out that our cars had been broken into. Nothing major was taken, but it triggered my 8 yr old. I had an abuser who liked to harass me in ways very similar to this crime. I took some time to calm and be with Hope (8yr old) but then I needed to focus on other things, so I asked my manager, adult part and the caretaker to come stay with Hope. It has helped me today.

I also used something similar with another really, really emotional part that I am not ready to work with yet. She was flooding me to the point I was experiencing dissociative seizures. So the manager part and I discussed it and created a new home for the emotional part that had the ability to block her emotional flow. But, when I am ready I know where she is and can go to her.

I'm aware that this sounds odd, crazy but it has worked for me this week to begin finding a balance that is allowing me to function a little better and not be so overwhelmed by the internal stuff.

 

[Hope4Now]

The following may sound kind of crazy or out there, but how are you with visualizing your inner world?

It doesn't sound crazy at all. This is exactly what I do in my therapy and try to do on my own. I am very good at visualizing...I just can't do anything very effectively when my parts are blending with me which seems to happen a lot. (Kind of like your really emotional part, but not quite as severe physically). I did try visualizing a caretaker once with some success (enough to make me not panic). Thank you for the reminder...I will try that again now.

This morning we found out that our cars had been broken into.

I'm so sorry this happened! Very upsetting, even when nothing major is taken. It has happened to us a number of times over the years and always feels creepily violating. I remember the last time, I felt like I had to go vacuum the interior and wipe everything down because I couldn't stand the thought that someone had been in my car without my permission. Probably triggered some child part of me, but this was before I knew about triggers or child parts! Coincidentally, we had three police cruisers on our street yesterday evening looking for a guy who was walking down the street breaking into cars. I don't know if they caught him.

it triggered my 8 yr old. I had an abuser who liked to harass me in ways very similar to this crime. I took some time to calm and be with Hope (8yr old) but then I needed to focus on other things, so I asked my manager, adult part and the caretaker to come stay with Hope. It has helped me today.

That is an awful thing. I'm so glad for you that you have the skills to manage your triggers like this. I still go into shut down mode. It makes my inner children very upset.

I appreciate your suggestions a lot.

 

[amy4k]

I am still working on it myself. That whole containing, magical house thing was something I read about on the internet. Up until a couple of nights ago I was so overwhelmed by that emotional part that was totally non-functional. I couldn't even imagine doing what you have been able to manage. I am amazed and inspired by you. I just hope you are able to find some peace soon.

 

[Hope4Now]

@amy4k it's great that you have been able to do this stuff on your own! I'm impressed. And that you have been able to contain that energy!

What you describe is very much what the kind of trauma therapy I am doing involves. The type of therapy is called Internal Family Systems. I thought it was completely nuts when I first started it, but now I realize how powerful it is. I have gained a whole new understanding of myself through the process. Now I just need to figure out how to manage it :)

Thanks for your peaceful wishes. I'm sending wishes for peace to you as well.

Sometimes I think I would be better if I could just let go and be non-functional. Just let it all hang out, and who cares. I seem to be systemically unable to do this though. My manager parts are very powerful. A double-edged sword.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am screaming in frustration right now. I know my life could be a lot worse than it is...but in a totally self-involved way, I just want to scream, "STOP. I want off!!!!"

Things have just sucked big time since last spring. I mean, not 100%, but definitely tipping the balance toward total suck factor. It goes further back than that, but there have been so many external stresses since last spring. It started when I went on a desperately needed vacation in March, and got the call on the first night that my mom had fallen. Since then, in my family, there have been a broken bone, a severely sprained wrist/thumb, three car accidents, multiple and massive emotional meltdowns requiring seeing a therapist (kids), school performance implosion, two other falls by elderly relatives, the ongoing crisis with UB this past couple of weeks, having to pack up and sell three different elderly relative's homes...aargh...there's more than this. Oh, and yeah, there's my PTSD crisis on top of all of it. Oh, and we just got a foreclosure notice in the mail today. My fault. I have been struggling to stay organized and get bills paid on time. Blew that one. Now it's going to be a hassle to fix it.

My son just had a car accident this afternoon. It wasn't bad. Nobody was hurt. But aargh again. I am really missing my husband even though he's been driving me nuts in the past few weeks with his anxiety levels on pluto. He is back up in VT with UB. I am feeling very lonely. I've called a few people to see if I can connect with someone, but everybody is busy (which I understand completely, but the little kid parts of me are feeling kind of weepy and abandoned). I'm wanting a good long hug and somebody to feel sorry for me. Sigh.

Maybe will find a movie to distract me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Ok, REALLY? I just got the call that my mother-in-law went to the hospital. Serious heart problem. May have surgery this week.

I feel like my head is going to explode.