Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Lots more obvious dreams this morning. Nightmare hangover. I wrote about them, though, and that helps. Maybe remembering all this means my subconscious is very slowly emerging to such an extent that my conscious mind can witness and accept. Maybe as practice for actual conscious processing of trauma stuff.

The themes to these dreams are so very repetitive. Sigh. How many ways can one's subconscious get the message across? Clearly there is no end to it.

 

[sun seeker]

How many ways can one's subconscious get the message across? Clearly there is no end to it.

Until we've done enough processing I think. Sorry about that! It gets exhausting doesn't it?

 

[Pietro]

I pushed off the boat to keep the hammock rocking. My shaky baby part liked that a LOT. Maybe can't get holding and rocking from a human once you become an adult, but a hammock works pretty decently.

I LOVE rocking chairs; I can sit rocking in them for hours. I've always loved this, since childhood. It's soothing, and, interestingly, makes my thinking more clear. For me could be an ADHD thing, but, as you point-out, maybe it's also a self-nurturing thing. I can truly imaging your "shaky baby part" just cooing in glee. ;)

Even though I had a really, really SUCKY therapy appointment. All my fault. Too many parts zooming around. Feeling like I should quit.

I would guess that it will take some time to learn how to gain control of your parts -- to corral them when they get like this. Probably not going to happen easily or quickly, especially in therapy, where they're likely being challenged in some way. But they're free -- no more chains, prisons, locked-up rooms in isolation in exile. And they don't know what to do with that freedom after so many decades without it. If the therapists are correct, they will begin to settle down, soon. :)

Many of my dreams involved the idea of "imprisonment" or "being trapped". I'm not exactly sure why, or whether it's allegorical or not, but, either way, I think it's meaningful to the state of my inner world.

Uh Oh. Too late to edit last post. Showing a side of me that doesn't usually get air time.

I'm glad you didn't get to edit it. I like this side of you. Feisty, opinionated, quirky, a little sarcastic, and cussing like a sailor. :D And funny. Also, courage to even show this side.

You are really, really blossoming. It's just beautiful to watch. And inspirational in that I hope the same happens for me and the others here. :)

Oh, OK. I will not go there. Not allowed until ALL ELSE FAILS.

OK, at least I'm not the only one who thinks this way. :/

I'm either always in crisis, or never. Blue or Not Blue. There seems to be no in-between.

Ditto.

Like time. Most people live in THEN/NOW/NEXT. I live in thennow and nowsoon. I MUST figure out how to break those barriers so that the parts who live in thennow and nowsoon can integrate with regular people's time.

Again, ditto. I actually think this is a very intuitive observation, and doesn't have to just be "a part talking" -- this is truly what you're experiencing, right? It's certainly what I experience on a near-daily basis. Time has little meaning for me, with regard to "past" and "present", and I think this is a common occurrence for those dealing with trauma. I've had therapists look at me funny when I've described this, because they often don't understand it.

Most of the puppets arrived today. Most are good. Totally nuts. I could not even bring myself to tell my t about this new idea. I hope, truly hope, that it will help with the scrambledness.

I was almost going to say you should, but changed my mind -- because I think they idea has so much potential, you should keep it to yourself, see how it works for you, and if you find it effective, write a paper of your own on it. I can be your agent. $$ :sneaky:

 

[Pietro]

The themes to these dreams are so very repetitive. Sigh. How many ways can one's subconscious get the message across? Clearly there is no end to it.

Are your dreams allegorical, historical, or a combination of both? If both, are they separately allegorical or historical, or do both these aspects get mixed together? I seem to have the latter, mostly.

Repetitiveness is also something very common with my dreams. This has been going-on for at least 3 years, now. The themes have changed some, over time, but each time a new one occurs, it gets repeated. And there are so many scenarios -- it's like I lived a whole life, or even multiple lives, that I'm not aware of. Very, VERY disconcerting.

I know some folks believe in us having multiple lives, reincarnation, etc. Perhaps that's part of it. I can't say either way; however, I decided that I won't explore any "past lives" aspect until I'm convinced I'm dealt with enough issues from this life.

I keep a dream journal where I identify keywords for each dream I post -- words that identify the major people, themes, etc. in the dream. I then keep a list of these keywords and, over time, hope to see if there's some pattern that emerges from them. Kind of geeky, but we'll see if it bears any fruit. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Are your dreams allegorical, historical, or a combination of both?

Hmmm. Not historical, I think, except emotionally. They are clearly my self trying to work out some things. System keeps trying over and over again in different scenarios. The settings and narratives are most definitely allegorical (surreal much of the time). But they're informed by "historical" in the sense of weaving in of images and sensations and people from my life. All mixed up in time. Of course.

Kind of geeky, but we'll see if it bears any fruit. :)

No, charming actually.

I know some folks believe in us having multiple lives, reincarnation, etc. Perhaps that's part of it. I can't say either way; however, I decided that I won't explore any "past lives" aspect until I'm convinced I'm dealt with enough issues from this life.

Yep, me too.

idea has so much potential,

Tonight, I looked at the box and thought, "Well that was a stupid idea." Thanks for encouraging me. I will probably have to sit with it all for a bit. If I ever write my book, maybe the experience will be a chapter of my craziness. My daughter is coveting them. One is way too cute for my needs, so perhaps I will give it to her. It is a wolf, which is her spirit animal. And she likes the cuteness. Wolves are not cute.

Feisty, opinionated, quirky, a little sarcastic, and cussing like a sailor.

Maybe it goes along with the new haircut. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Took mother out to lunch today. Except she forgot and ate at her place. It took me 30 minutes to track her down because, duh, I didn't think to look in the dining room. So didn't take her to lunch. Drove to the ocean and sat there in the car with her while she smoked my cigarettes. Looking at the sailboats made the whole thing a bit more tolerable. All vaguely okay except she can't let go of my new haircut. "Why don't you want to be pretty?" she keeps asking. "You're not my daughter with that hair." (Now, mind you, if it weren't the hair, it would be the way I'm dressed, or my skin, or my quietness, or my work, or my health. Always something that is not right. I see the patterns so much more clearly now. Thank you therapy for that.

Then, later, a message on the answering machine. Classic. She so f-s with my brain:
"Hello dear. I forgot to tell you something. You know how much I love you. (pause). However, let's not have any more haircuts. Do you understand?"

Oh, yes Mom. I understand.

 

[Pietro]

Oh, yes Mom. I understand.

I feel the hurt in these words. But I also sense the rebellion. Your identity is your own, especially at our age. ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh, yes Mom. I understand.

As a follow-up. I DON'T understand THIS: She calls at 7 AM. I am up and writing, but my husband is asleep. He gets the phone. Tells her I am asleep. He comes downstairs, and I ask if everything is okay. He said, "She called to say she is sorry about your hair." I say, "What do you mean?" He says, "She was telling me how sorry she was. That SHE would never cut her hair like that even when she was young, and she certainly wouldn't do it now. That you look like a boy. That it makes her very upset and you should never do it again. That she doesn't believe that I like it. She went on and on."

Okay. Really?

As crazy and hurt as this relationship with my mother makes me these days, I suppose it is in some way validating to recognize what I have put up with all my life. She used to only do this stuff to me and my father. (Of course, he gave it right back to her). Now she does it to everyone. And they react too. She is very hurtful even though she has no idea she is and would defend herself to the bitter end. I can see how people get hurt by what she says. By how she invalidates peoples thoughts and feelings and experiences, and then denies it.

So in some bizarre way it validates me. I am not overly sensitive. It would hurt anybody's feelings.

 

[Pietro]

So in some bizarre way it validates me. I am not overly sensitive. It would hurt anybody's feelings.

Not bizarre at all. She is an extreme narcissist, and, if she's now dealing with onset dementia, this will only get worse -- much worse. A phone call like the one you got, today, is a pretty good indication of that. If she had any self-control over her obsession with control before, it seems she's lost it now. Her phone call was not only hurtful, it's an indication that she has deep, deep issues of her own -- your haircut threatens her perspective of the world so much, she can't stop thinking about it and trying to manipulate you to change it to fit her universe.

Why? Who knows. ;) Doesn't matter. What does matter is that you now realize that she is the one with the problems, not you. That she is the one who has no control over her demons, nor even a desire for that. You are NOT overly sensitive. Not even close. And the more this realization becomes internalized, the more your identity will blossom. You'll also be able to build stronger mental armor against her.

I've seen this before, with my grandmother. My mother has narcissistic tendencies, but my grandmother was worse, and her mother 10x worse yet. It's horrible, and progressively gets more horrible as they age. My mother could never depersonalize the crazy things my grandmother said, and, to this day, I believe she still feels guilt over some of those things. I am only beginning to get the hang of depersonalizing the stuff my mother says/does. The best part, though, is that our children won't have to go through this, that we made a decision, consciously or not, to do things differently. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so like what Pietro said to you about a million times.

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh, and did I already write that yesterday she told me "my daughter would never do something like that." This is almost a direct echo of something she always used to say..."No daughter of mine would ________ (fill in the blank)."

@Pietro, thank you for what you wrote. All of it. Most especially this

That she is the one who has no control over her demons, nor even a desire for that.

This will get added to my new "perverse affirmations" (for lack of a better word).

and this

your haircut threatens her perspective of the world so much, she can't stop thinking about it and trying to manipulate you to change it to fit her universe.

Yes. The haircut does threaten her perspective. In more ways than you can possibly imagine. Anything to do with my body is particularly upsetting to her. :yuck:. Because she thinks I am her/she is me. It has always been this way. I just see it now. I never knew why it made me feel the way I did/do or why I have responded the way I have. It's different now. Not healed, just different. And better. It's like it is now more in the open. Like I now have some witnesses who validate me instead of telling me to laugh it off, or telling me I'm overreacting, or telling me I am making this stuff up.

 

[sun seeker]

Hope, is there any chance of hiring a caregiver to take over some of the tasks like taking your mother shopping and to appointments? Dementia takes a toll on any family. Dementia in a person as narcissistic as your mother sounds like a combination from hell. You're managing incredibly well under the circumstances but is there any way to take off some of the pressure? I know I would not be able to handle the situation you're describing. Hugs to you dear, I hope you are getting some time in that hammock to offset some of this.