- Post starter
- #781
Hard day today, but good stuff happening too. I did the massage appointment then immediately afterward therapy appointment. And it worked magic again. I am so much better able to be "present" in therapy if I do the massage first. My massage therapist is very cool and I love her. She is also a cranial-sacral therapist. And a yoga therapist. She knows her stuff. And the last couple of times have been amazing...partly because I am gradually opening up to the treatment and letting myself feel things.
I showed Yoda my puppets today. I don't know why I finally decided to do this. I have had them almost 6 months now. I think I'm glad I did. He said something like "I wondered if you were going to show them to me." This kind of freaked me out because I have zero recollection of ever having told him about the puppets. Anyway, he didn't laugh at me. I think he kind of liked them actually. Invited me to bring them back. And anything else I have to represent other parts. It actually really, really helps to do this, but it is the first time I have ever let anybody "in" on what the puppets are about. Big big step.
I told Yoda about the talk I had with my mean protector part. It was good to share that. And I told him I am really struggling to fight off these firefighter parts. It is very, very hard. But he does give me more confidence. He seems to have trust that I can manage this. It is helpful to have someone who knows me fairly well think this.
Anyway, blah blah blah. I have to go to bed. I finished another sculpture. Yay. Some "kid" part of me bought these whacked leopard pajamas that are one piece zip ups with a hood and paws. I am cuddled up in them and will sleep in therm.They are very soft. I wish the giraffe ones or the panda ones had had paws, but they didn't. I like the paws because I get very cold in my old house in the winter.
The massage/cranial sacral work is really helping me start to feel my body from the inside out. I have never felt this at all until last week when I felt it in my legs. I can't remember if I wrote about it here. It was cool. Happened again today even more intensely. Lots of body sensations linked with parts feelings. Lot's of things starting to link up. Yoda asked if I had ever been "pinned." I wanted to laugh. Uh, yeah. Lots of times. Then I said, "Well, sometimes physically pinned, other times emotionally pinned." I went on to say, "My father pinned me physically, and my mother pinned me emotionally." It's true. But then later I had parts saying that was overly reductive. They both did both, I suppose. They really did a job on me. I realize that a bit more every day.
And the more I realize it, the harder it gets for me to make myself go to see my mother. I have been literally incapable of making myself see her or do anything at all in relation to her, even though I have to. I have been utterly stuck. But today, I did it. I went.
It was an okay visit actually. I think I was able somehow to be in SELF in a way I haven't been able to be for weeks now. And she had nothing mean to say at all...not even about my hair, or my outfit, or my weight! She and I had a sweet but also very difficult conversation about dying and heaven and fear of dying. She is very scared. It makes me so very sad. I want to take the scared away from her. I think I did a little today. I think I was able to say some things that helped her--at least in the moment. She brightened up and visibly relaxed. But she won't remember. And that makes me sad. All of it is just so very, very sad.
I am practicing...as best I can...Aka cord cutting from Huna. I can only do a tiny bit by myself because it gets everything pretty riled up. But it is good to do. I think it actually helped me to be able to be with her today in the present/compassionate way I was. I will keep working on this one.
This weekend: CANNING! My daugher and I decided against going to Mt. Washington. We will be homebodies. We will cook and watch movies and rest. And Can...Pesto. Applesauce. Pear Sauce. Fudge Sauce. Ginger sauce. Also blueberry jam, mixed berry jam, and...hopefully if I can find a decent recipe...apple butter (one of my favorites!) And chutney. I missed peach season and I am peeved because that is my all time favorite fruit. Maybe will go apple picking.
But will do none of it if I don't get myself to go to sleep. Good night.
I showed Yoda my puppets today. I don't know why I finally decided to do this. I have had them almost 6 months now. I think I'm glad I did. He said something like "I wondered if you were going to show them to me." This kind of freaked me out because I have zero recollection of ever having told him about the puppets. Anyway, he didn't laugh at me. I think he kind of liked them actually. Invited me to bring them back. And anything else I have to represent other parts. It actually really, really helps to do this, but it is the first time I have ever let anybody "in" on what the puppets are about. Big big step.
I told Yoda about the talk I had with my mean protector part. It was good to share that. And I told him I am really struggling to fight off these firefighter parts. It is very, very hard. But he does give me more confidence. He seems to have trust that I can manage this. It is helpful to have someone who knows me fairly well think this.
Anyway, blah blah blah. I have to go to bed. I finished another sculpture. Yay. Some "kid" part of me bought these whacked leopard pajamas that are one piece zip ups with a hood and paws. I am cuddled up in them and will sleep in therm.They are very soft. I wish the giraffe ones or the panda ones had had paws, but they didn't. I like the paws because I get very cold in my old house in the winter.
The massage/cranial sacral work is really helping me start to feel my body from the inside out. I have never felt this at all until last week when I felt it in my legs. I can't remember if I wrote about it here. It was cool. Happened again today even more intensely. Lots of body sensations linked with parts feelings. Lot's of things starting to link up. Yoda asked if I had ever been "pinned." I wanted to laugh. Uh, yeah. Lots of times. Then I said, "Well, sometimes physically pinned, other times emotionally pinned." I went on to say, "My father pinned me physically, and my mother pinned me emotionally." It's true. But then later I had parts saying that was overly reductive. They both did both, I suppose. They really did a job on me. I realize that a bit more every day.
And the more I realize it, the harder it gets for me to make myself go to see my mother. I have been literally incapable of making myself see her or do anything at all in relation to her, even though I have to. I have been utterly stuck. But today, I did it. I went.
It was an okay visit actually. I think I was able somehow to be in SELF in a way I haven't been able to be for weeks now. And she had nothing mean to say at all...not even about my hair, or my outfit, or my weight! She and I had a sweet but also very difficult conversation about dying and heaven and fear of dying. She is very scared. It makes me so very sad. I want to take the scared away from her. I think I did a little today. I think I was able to say some things that helped her--at least in the moment. She brightened up and visibly relaxed. But she won't remember. And that makes me sad. All of it is just so very, very sad.
I am practicing...as best I can...Aka cord cutting from Huna. I can only do a tiny bit by myself because it gets everything pretty riled up. But it is good to do. I think it actually helped me to be able to be with her today in the present/compassionate way I was. I will keep working on this one.
This weekend: CANNING! My daugher and I decided against going to Mt. Washington. We will be homebodies. We will cook and watch movies and rest. And Can...Pesto. Applesauce. Pear Sauce. Fudge Sauce. Ginger sauce. Also blueberry jam, mixed berry jam, and...hopefully if I can find a decent recipe...apple butter (one of my favorites!) And chutney. I missed peach season and I am peeved because that is my all time favorite fruit. Maybe will go apple picking.
But will do none of it if I don't get myself to go to sleep. Good night.
