Strategies for dealing with trauma anniversaries?

[bellbird]

Today is the 11 month anniversary of my friend's passing (the event that triggered my PTSD), which means in one month it will be one year since she died. These monthly anniversaries are hard enough so I can only imagine that the one year mark is going to be really tough.

Does anyone have any suggestions/strategies for dealing with trauma anniversaries? I find it's a fine line between remembering her for the absolutely wonderful person that she was, and getting totally sucked into the grief. I've done a pretty poor job of navigating that line in these past 11 months.

There's a river nearby where I live, I'm thinking if it's a nice day I'll go for a walk there for a while. I used to go there and just sit in the days/weeks following her death when I couldn't do anything else. I also have a couple of friends I could see for coffee, they know about my nightmares and they're very supportive but I'm one of those people where as soon as they hug me I'll probably just start crying and totally break down. I'm still not sure whether it's better to be a mess on my own or around other people.

 

[Enaila]

It sounds like you have some good ideas already. Take the peaceful walk, allow yourself to remember if you are feeling safe, and allow yourself to grieve when you are with your supportive friends. They will understand and probably feel privileged you trusted them enough to share your feelings with them. You have to go through the grief to heal. Remember your grounding techniques and to breathe. Remind yourself how strong you are.

 

[bellbird]

It sounds like you have some good ideas already. Take the peaceful walk, allow yourself to remember if y...

Thank you:)

 

[Swift]

Hey. Your ideas are good ones.
For me with anniversaries, either grief or trauma (mine are separate so I'm sorry yours are together), a coupla tips.
- have friends that you can count on, but also that you can cancel on without explaining.
I never know how I'm gonna be on the day, sometimes plans are a godsend and sometimes they give me panic attacks, and I often don't know which until the day.
- do something to mark the occasion.
It might be donating to a charity in her name, even if it's just a dollar, even if you do it from your phone in bed. It might be a random act of kindness. It might be lighting a candle, playing a song. It might be a religious thing. I occasionally go to the church where I grew up with my friend, or take a drive around places that were important to us.
- ramp up your self-care like whoa.
Even if you don't think you'll need it. Book appts, take meds, eat well, sleep well. I like to wear my armour on tough days, which for me means clothes that make me feel competent (blacks, boots, tailored jacket) and badass make up.
- for the love of all that's holy, stay away from toxic people, toxic situations, anything that's harder than it needs to be. You don't owe anyone jack on that day. It's like your birthday, in that you get a free pass to do you, except everything is horrible.

 

[Emotional girl]

I had this a few weeks ago in that I find my birthday a very difficult anniversary to deal with because of numerous reasons.I would say try to take some time out for yourself and do some activities which find relaxing like listening to music,doing some mindfulness techniques or watch a film that you like.
I would also say it is quite important to spend sometime with your family,a loved one or a friend or any person which makes you feel loved/cared for.

 

[Swift]

Great post. Another birthday-disliking person!!! Seriously, that was the first thing that popped into my head. Not that I'm happy you dislike yours, but it's nice not to be alone.

 

[bellbird]

Hey @Swift and @Emotional girl thanks for the great suggestions! Hearing those ideas brings me some small comfort and which means a lot.
Especially love this:

I like to wear my armour on tough days, which for me means clothes that make me feel competent (blacks, boots, tailored jacket) and badass make up.

 

[Swift]

Cheers. It works, too. Best of luck.

 

[bellbird]

Cheers. It works, too. Best of luck.

Was having a rough day and missing her a lot, so found the charity I've decided to donate to- it helped.. thanks.

 

[Swift]

Awesome. I did the same thing to deal with something else recently. If you want me to drop you a message on the day to see how you're travelling, let me know the date and I will.
Eight years on from losing my friend, I still donate when the feelings get too much. It's like I'm helping, or doing something about it in the smallest way, which helps me overcome the sucking vortex of powerlessness. Like your friend I'm sure, she was an amazingly passionate, compassionate person. It's almost become a game, to find something new to donate to. She didn't have a fav charity, but I knew what she cared about.
(And I literally have donated just a dollar before, when I've been broke.)
Grief is tough.

 

[bellbird]

The date is April 18. That would be really lovely if you could message me then, but also no stress if on the day you can't for whatever reason.
Gosh, eight years.. I admire your strength. It is so tough.