Stress At Work And A Flashback Triggered By Television Programme

[lil_fighter]

I work in a school supporting lessons in the classroom. We all have extra duties on top of that (apart from the class teachers). I was given a duty to clean the dinner hall, take dirty plates from the children and the teachers etc. and it is very fast paced as they have recently expanded the school and increased their intake of children. It is a large school and we often had to deal with behavioural issues in the dinner hall as well as the general cleaning. The lady that was sharing the duty with me complained to the headteacher about the workload and how we needed an extra pair of hands to help us, since then we were quickly changed to another duty and there was nothing more said about it.

The other new duty I was given was to sit with the children who had misbehaved and were not allowed to play outside with the other children. It's kind of like detention and provides them with a 'thinking space'. Unfortunately, if two or three children had all been in a fight, they would all be put together in this room with me where sometimes the arguments would continue but I was in control most of the time and would encourage them to write apology letters to their teachers or whoever they had upset. One day, a child who was particularly angry lifted the furniture threatening to throw it at another child, meanwhile the other child was running around the room, I raised my voice but one child decided to ignore me. Bad timing, as the headteacher walked in and went crazy. The children were brought to her office and she excluded one of them.

The headteacher and the deputy head asked to see me the next day so that I could give them a statement of what happened. I told them exactly what happened and I was then told that they were going to observe me and my behaviour management, the head was annoyed as she said if I had been hurt they would have to pay and the school cannot afford that. They asked if I wanted to say anything else (which I didn't) and then had me sign the statement. It was all very formal and scary. The next day they were both all lovely and smiley again like nothing had happened. I told my colleagues who said that those particular children should never have been put together and that it was unfair on me to have to do that duty when the headteacher herself normally does it. They also said that my behaviour management is very good and that it was wrong of them to say otherwise. Since then I have joined a union.

I cried at work the next day (in private) as I felt pressured and judged unfairly. It felt good to have support from colleagues and the headteacher and deputy seemed very keen to try to be extra nice to me. I am studying a part time Masters at uni and juggling it with work.

The next few days, I had the flu and migraine and have been off work (anxious about being off too, about 'letting people down'). The other night I watched my favourite television soap and it showed a rape incident which I did not expect. The whole washing with bleach after the attack really triggered memories and I have since decided to take the next day off work. I have now been off for 4 days, the school provide cover whenever a member of staff is off - so I know they will be ok and I have spoken to the office and they are very pleasant. I feel that the anxiety is building and I feel confused as I don't know what is causing it. It makes me feel a bit pathetic as I am trying hard to enjoy life and this is all so silly. I am thinking of taking tomorrow off like my doctor recommended and go back tomorrow for a new week, new start. Is it fair enough that I am taking tomorrow off or should I just front it out and be brave?

 

[Friday]

Pragmatically...

Go back to school a day early, against medical advice, while you're still recovering from illness and not at your best physically or cognitively-emotionally, to face a challenging situation for which they already have you covered for

-or-

Follow doctors recommendations on your illness, 2 birds 1 stone in managing PTSD stress, and come back after the weekend?

Blink. Blink. Blink. Sounds like you're still sick and not thinking this through all the way :) Te absolvo. Take care of yourself. My 2 cents, anyhow.

 

[lil_fighter]

Thank you FridayJones, you put it simply and of course it makes sense to go back after the weekend. I was getting all worked up but actually there's a simple solution :rolleyes: your two cents really helped me be realistic about the situation :tup:

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think the management was very poor from the school to allow three children who had obvious behavioural issues to be put together , I think a risk assesment would have shown that 2 staff to three children of this nature would have been fair .
I too watched this soap and coz im a soap fanatic I never want to know the storyline as it would spoil it for me, I was in fact shocked then physically threw up when I saw the episode you mentioned. It brought back horrific memories for me too and triggered flashbacks , I went if sick from work I just couldn't bear everyone talking about it the next day.
It was the next day I realised my sisters had left me voice messages on my phone to tell me not to watch the soap. Two lessons I learnt! Always know what storyline is coming up in The soaps and two , never forget to listen to my voice messages!!! One hard lesson I learnt and will never forget !!!

 

[lil_fighter]

I agree with you about the staff to child ratio in that particular situation. The worst part was being pulled up on my behavioural management as if I couldn't cope. The very next day the headteacher and deputy were all lovely. I was off sick with the flu and received daily calls and messages from the deputy asking me when I am coming back - clearly worried that the situation had caused me to not want to come back. Then after I did not return her calls and spoke to the main school office instead, I received a letter asking me to come in and explain my absence (I had been off for one week and not had absences in the past) I had provided doctor's notes and kept the school informed all week. I have joined a union and have asked to be represented at the 'meeting'. I feel really sick because the Eastenders episode really affected me more than anything else and of course I would rather not tell my workplace about the PTSD mainly because I don't want to be seen as someone to pity or worst case, to patronise. I am happy for them to know if I don't go back. I am thinkig of leaving the job eventually and finding something far less stressful :( the letter from the school has made the anxiety and panic attacks worse as I'm up most night feeling pressured especially because the school don't know the real reason and that they are making me feel worse.

That is so good of your sisters to have left you those messages, ok you didn't hear the message until afterwards but they had really good intentions and it sounds like you have lovely support. I was really shocked at the storyline. I agree that awareness is important and letting people know about the issue but it was really difficult to watch. The worst part is that I think a pregnancy storyline is coming up soon with the same character and I really hope that it is not as a result of what happened because that would be quite traumatic, drawing out the whole thing of silence and not speaking up.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm really sorry that you too was so distressed , I think it's a really gid idea taking a union rep with you. Unfortunately and fortunately my work know about my cptsd as they have supported me , but also I'm asked to sign letters to say that I will go home If I experience flash backs etcetera Eventhough I've lived with them for years and they were non the wiser . I felt really upset when this happened and argued it out , I have a very high position at work so they felt they needed to put things in place and I felt they were discriminating !!!! I asked them if they would put the same strategies in place if a colleague had epilepsy or diabatese ? I continuously argue with them but more recently the stress is too much. So, Ironically I continue my job as per normal suffer flashbacks but I just lie and say I haven't had n e for ages, sometimes I've had this conversation an hour after my flashbacks but I'm so used to them and learned to cope and also applying techniques taught by my t that for me it's normal. Please think very carefully before disclosing, they will definately look and treat you very differently and your paranoia or anxiety will grow . Good luck x

 

[lil_fighter]

The union rep is going to attend the meeting on my behalf and my doctor has signed me off for another month. The relief I felt after speaking to my doctor was amazing, it made me realise how anxious this whole work thing is making me. I am hoping to find a different job elsewhere (easier said than done, I know) but I am going to try so hard to find something else with less hours. Part time work in an environment other than a school would be great!

Your situation sounds difficult and I think you are very strong for dealing with it all so well. You are right, it is discrimination and you were right to ask them if if it was epilepsy or diabetes they would treat you the same way. I understand that people's attitudes can change if they know about depression, anxiety or PTSD and there can be a patronising element to the way that they speak to you or the duties that they give you at work. That is why in my case I feel it is a bit different as I do not intend to return to this same workplace (unless I get really desperate and can't find another job). My doctor is sensitive though and knows not to include PTSD on my fit note, so has written 'stress' instead - which I know can also be used against me but it is what it is.

It is understandable that you are protecting yourself by not telling them the details of the PTSD and the flashbacks but at the same time it forces you to deal with extra stress and front it out continually which must be tiring for you. Have you been looking for other jobs or do you intend to stay at the same place? Signing the letters to say that you are experiencing flashbacks and being questioned about it seems really intrusive. It doesn't sound like a very healthy environment, or at least the management seems a bit off. I hope you aren't at the stage of waking up in the morning dreading going to work, or crying in the toilets at work. When it gets to that stage, alarm bells should be going off and it is time to think about being kinder to yourself. I got to that stage and that is why I am trying my hardest to make life a bit easier. I know we don't live in an ideal world and it takes time, luck and all sorts to get a different job (especially these days) but I am motivated to do it and I know this situation I am in is making my anxiety worse. Thank you for your words of support Namenotdiagnosed:hug: it's good to talk to someone who understands x

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I so wish I could get another job but apparently I'm over qualified , yes I so dread my job on a daily basis , I luv my job but hate the way it works? My line manager is a total complete control freak that has and continuously mentally mashed my head up but all the time arguing and that causes me stress , but Thankyou for your kind words it means a lot and good luck too.n e support you need I'm here for you x