Stress. Crackling. Sudden Stop. Depression.

[Deleted member 28403]

Okay, past... Uhhhh. Forever. Has been a rollercoaster

Past few months has been a seriously tough rollercoaster. And past few weeks have been a bunch of chaos.

Just needing to share some thoughts. To force myself to reach out. Simply to do something.

A precursor to the end update, to finally set a mark, otherwise, I'm pretty damn sure I will not be able to be sattisfied with myself at all or do anything.

So basically. Past weeks I've been struggling badly. Stress from having to study through about half a year of school material in about 2 weeks, and also science olympiads and competitions.

That had an overall bad effect on me.

And at this point I'm basically at the end, I have almost no work left to do regarding school. It's weekend. And I just feel purposeless. I've been forcing myself to self care today. My whole day was made up of eating, pooping, showering and laying in bed. I need to do something to get myself into active functioning.

I'm doing nothing I'm interested in. Just feeling defeated. I am not studying stuff I like, I am not having fun, I'm not doing almost anything other than the basic being alive.

I can barely keep myself writing this

 

[FauxLiz]

Saelben, I know that it can be really hard to decompress when you have been going what feels like in over-drive for months and then everything reaches its completion and you wake up one day and it is like okay now what next, I have nothing, I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained. Take a deep breath, don't look at this as being defeated look at it as having reached your breaking point. There is no rule in life that says every day has to be filled to the brim with activities and if it isn't then you aren't surviving.

What you are doing right now, this down time where all you are doing is taking care of yourself that is important. You need to recharge. Give yourself a break, too often those of us that deal with PTSD are so concerned with filling every minute of every day with a regimented schedule because that is how we are able to get through the day. That is how we know we have some level of control over this hell that is PTSD but even we need a day or few now and then to shut down and recharge. Do what you need to do, don't isolate for to long, make sure that you reconnect with people after a day or so but don't beat yourself up because you reached a point that you had to take a day where the only thing you focused on was your basic mental, physical and emotional needs. I can promise you as a manager that oversees a large staff that are responsible for complex projects that don't have our diagnosis. I see this coming in my employees many times towards the end of a major project and I order them to take a "mental health" sick day

Be proud you recognized you need the time to focus on you, don't see it as a negative, see it as a positive because you could have ignored your needs and ended up in worse shape. Trust me your purpose will come back. It may be looking for a job, a new project, finishing the rest of the school work that needs done but it will come back.

"hugs" if you will accept

 

[Chimera]

Saelben,

You are correct, it's been a heady few months for you..and now it's quiet.
Not sure what to do with the quiet it seems?
I think you should embrace it...get some sleep, take it easy for the moment. I remember summer break..I always slept into the daytime more than before and was aimless for a couple days...but the I seemed recharged and I'd be off. I spent a lot of time in the water, if you are able, go get a friend and a tire tube and play a bit..you must remember to play a bit...it's the biggest most profound thing I mistakenly gave up in adulthood.
:roflmao::wacky::hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@FauxLiz
I do not recognize I really need time to focus on me.

I'm a workaholic sorta, If I'm not working or thinking about work-ish stuff, studying or whatever that would take up my mind, PTSD hits harder. I need to do something with my time. Thats why past weeks since I got the instrument from the lady in the plane I've been using it as my main grounding thing, instead of self harm and skin picking, I pick the wires, and play the instrument all the time. That is helping me get through the time a bit, but it's still hard. I cannot play the instrument all the time, and to fall asleep I need to not be playing the instrument at the moment, I mean, I have Zolpidem, but otherwise, just really hard to manage it all. I should have written more in the thread maybe, but I simply couldn't before.

This is an end, a huge end. It's not been jsut a few months, more like a year, of pressure building up higher and higher, and now it either burst or simply deflated, but it simply feels bad this way. I've been going like this since I've been in charge as the front alter, that was my way of coping with stuff, from what I know of my history, my previous fron, t was mainly coping by studying, and watching anime, thus somehow making a huge amount of hours spent watching anime. Like, thousands of hours. Just a huge amount of time. Now I'm the makng better use of the opsessive coping time alter let's say, and instead of watching anime, I mainly study, and study and study, that is how I deal with stuff, studying, work, similar, relaxing is not a good thing as I cannot empty my mind, I can only allow it to be filled up with bad thoughts.

Thus, I need to figure out what to do, but I'm completely lost, as at the same time, I'm being extremely chaotic lately, dealing with body issues, dealing with stress inertia and whatnot. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm feeling hopeless. The worst question to ask me is where do I see myself in a few years. I have no idea how would I even go through a few years? I've been the front for only a couple years, I don't know how to deal with another as huge amount and my psychiatrist says that I'm getting worse and not better :( He says I will never be functional. And that is true, I can only make my outside image come out as functional but I will never be really functional. I will just be filling up my brain with other thoughts to compulsively avoid PTSD stuff.

@Chimera
I am trying to do that, but simply unable to. I hope that this will only be a couple das, but I've been hitting really high SUDS because I'm not studying all the time, and the lowest it gets is 6-7, and that is when I take medications.

@FauxLiz
Luckily I already found some jobs over the summer, so that might help. 8 am till 5 pm shifts probably, quite high amount of thinking needed, should occupy me. Programming, metalwork and engineering.