Structural Dissociation (Not DID)

[Skywatcher]

Does anyone know about structural disassociation theory? I seem to be type 2. Curious if other people live this way in their head?

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I believe I do. Have you looked at the Structural Dissociation thread on this board? It gets pretty in depth about SD.

Structural Dissociation?

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, me too. It was only through therapy that I discovered most people's heads aren't arranged like mine. Structural dissociation makes complete sense to me.

 

[Wendell_R]

When I learned about this, I said, "YES. YES. YES." It changed my life.

 

[Skywatcher]

@shimmerz thank you! I could very much identify with that read. The thread is no longer open for comments, which is fine. What I am personally wondering about is how the oddness of it affects all of you. Like I doubt I could explain it to anyone in my family without them thinking I’m crazy. I told my T that I 100 percent know that I am me, but it is just so much easier to process in this way. I do have separate conversations with my parts, some feel strongly real, especially when I am triggered which is really just disassociation in character form. Last week my T said, “I hope that you do know that I care about you, All of you.” That felt really weird, and when she added “all of you”. I kind of felt a sense of shame. Like why do I not feel like a whole person? Am I sure that I’m not just pretending this, though I wonder what the motive would be there, being that I don’t want anyone to know any of this stuff.

 

[shimmerz]

What I am personally wondering about is how the oddness of it affects all of you.

It wasn't until I posted that Structural Dissociation? posting that I realized that the SD model resonated with me completely. I didn't have a therapist at the time, but the people on this board helped me a ton (as you can see by the length of the posting) as I (all of use actually) tried to process it.

I don't recall having SD issues prior to my DV experiences (I was 45). I believe my EP's were, by and large, buried due to the fact that my initial and most severe trauma occurred while I was in foster care from 0-2 years of age. The only exception to that, in looking back, was there is evidence that they were stirred whenever I moved. It was a trigger I wasn't aware of until therapy at the age of 48.

My internal experience, when I started understanding splitting, was that two extremely young parts were literally going to get me killed if I didn't figure out how to manage them. One thing that helped was my identifying that I had an observer part that narrated while I regressed. My observer is strong, always right, gives me clues as to how to get out of danger, and feels like 'me', although I am not as smart as the observer part.

I have a terrified toddler part that has almost gotten me killed a thousand times over. I have an infant part that has no awareness that she is in a body. When she comes up I drop to the ground - literally and during the worst of times I wouldn't gain control over my body again for days. Since the DV, which was a trauma in and of itself, I developed two new splits my mother self and my business self as those were my most active roles when the later trauma happened.

As I am still a mother and am still working on being able to work professionally again, I have been working with these two parts quite a bit over the last 6 months or so. They are still healing. I am still inviting them to integrate as I rebuild my life.

At this point I have built a safe environment for all, I reference them often as I rebuild so as to include them moving forward. It is working. As they reintegrate my head is getting less and less conflicted. Things come more easily and everything doesn't feel like a constant battle. I can make decisions and follow through with them. So freaking peaceful.....

Not sure if this is what you were looking for - but there you have it.

 

[Wendell_R]

My primary trauma, too, was before I was likely before I was two, followed by other smaller traumas later on. I am a working professional and church leader, so it's weird that I have this internal experience that is so incredibly different than what people on the outside see of me. I'm still working on uncovering all parts and getting them to pull smoothly together. But I don't have these huge, unidentified internal conflicts that rip me apart. Now when I'm upset I can tell which part is out of sorts, and that has helped me so much.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R, this seems to be very similar to what I am working on in therapy. In a recent therapy session, my T seemed happy and said that it’s good that we finally at least have a dialogue going on in there between my memory holder and child part. My child part was afraid of the memory holder for so long. I’m wondering if my therapist knew all along that my mind was working this way and needed me to discover it on my own? Who knows. I did once show her a diagram about how each of them viewed her, and she didn’t act like that was odd. I had also sent her email questions about disassociation, but she didn’t comment on those. I find that my T continues to treat me as though I am normal. Sometimes she will say that the mind is such a fascinating thing. I guess you have to think that way to enjoy your job as a therapist.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@shimmerz thank you! I could very much identify with that read. The thread is no longer open for comments, which is fine. What I am personally wondering about is how the oddness of it affects all of you. Like I doubt I could explain it to anyone in my family without them thinking I’m crazy. I told my T that I 100 percent know that I am me, but it is just so much easier to process in this way. I do have separate conversations with my parts, some feel strongly real, especially when I am triggered which is really just disassociation in character form. Last week my T said, “I hope that you do know that I care about you, All of you.” That felt really weird, and when she added “all of you”. I kind of felt a sense of shame. Like why do I not feel like a whole person? Am I sure that I’m not just pretending this, though I wonder what the motive would be there, being that I don’t want anyone to know any of this stuff.

That’s familiar- I was headed out the door this week on a week long trip and my T said “I hope the photographer gets some great photos- like she was talking about someone else....that being said, that part feels very different in the moment.

 

[Wendell_R]

Sometimes she will say that the mind is such a fascinating thing. I guess you have to think that way to enjoy your job as a therapist.

My CBT therapist, who isn't trained in dissociation or trauma, has started to work with my parts (because she is trained in working with kids!). Our sessions often run long, and I've wondered if it's partly because she's curious about how my mind works/is put together.

my memory holder and child part

I haven't heard about memory holders before. But when I think about it, my part Thomas takes care of Baby, and it's Baby who suffered the most. I think that Thomas is the most aware of past pain in a conscious way.

 

[Skywatcher]

My CBT therapist, who isn't trained in dissociation or trauma, has started to work with my parts (because she is trained in working with kids!). Our sessions often run long, and I've wondered if it's partly because she's curious about how my mind works/is put together.


I haven't heard about memory holders before. But when I think about it, my part Thomas takes care of Baby, and it's Baby who suffered the most. I think that Thomas is the most aware of past pain in a conscious way.

I looked up types of parts on a structural disassociation website, mainly seeking to know more about what I thought was my “protector” part because there is a specific point where my memory became repressed and recently when this part made herself known I became very afraid because she brings a deep darkness and pain. She truly has a pull of SI that took me very close to the edge. When I read about protectors, it didn’t really fit. I read about “memory holders.” She is kind of a deep emotion. Like she holds the emotional part of the memory for the child.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have a part I intentionally relegated to an internal safe spot. She and I maintained a safe distance. Did this maybe 30 years ago- wasn’t doing parts. She goes near none of the others- an outcast- she holds the memories..even has a name-she’s behind a glass wall.
An exile maybe?