Structural Dissociation

[Lucycat]

T brought up this subject again this week, so I have gone off reading again to remind myself what it means. It relates to a developmental 'split' into parts of the personality. There are many different names for these 'parts' but it is important not to get hung up on that. It is the concept that is more important.

My understanding is that as a protective mechanism from an overwhelming childhood, you split into an 'Apparently Normal' part (ANP) and an 'Emotional' part (EP). The ANP learns to function without distress. The EP holds the trauma and all the bad memories, emotions and feelings.There can be more than one division resulting in any number of parts.

From my personal perspective my ANP goes to work, holds down a difficult job, runs the house, organises our finances , directs Rory in housework (:p) etc etc. I am businesslike and get a job done. I am happy, confident and competent.

My EP on the other hand has low self esteem, is miserable, frightened, struggles with every day life, fears the responsibility of working or driving and is totally overwhelmed with the idea of paying a bill. The EP spends a lot of time crying without reason.

It is a year since T first described this to me and It has been a huge learning curve to grasp this idea. I am still unsure as to what this actually means for me. I do know when the EP comes out I am unable to function as an adult, but can only see it with hindsight. I have discussed it with Rory and I hope he now has a better idea and maybe next time he will see what is happening before I do. T is able to intervene and put 'EP' back in the box. But I am not sure if that can just be done for ever, or if the triggers that bring out EP will lessen to a degree that the difference is no longer apparent.

Is there anyone else struggling with this at the moment?

 

[rainbow1]

Yes, I absolutely struggle with this.

I managed to get two honours degrees at university and have worked in very challenging jobs (until I was made redundant!) and coped very well. I work full time at the moment and people think i'm very confident and capable. I sometimes wonder what T would say if he saw me like this. He never has. As soon as I see T, the emotional, child-like state seems to kick in.

That child-like feeling, when it happens makes me feel like even doing the dishes or brushing my teeth is an effort. I cry even though i'm not even sure what i'm upset over and I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere.

Thank you for putting this into words. I hadn't realised this had a name!

 

[Meadowsweet]

You describe that so well. I struggle with it a lot. Although I am finding it very difficult to let the emotional part out. She comes out in flashbacks, but when I need to talk or to release emotions in therapy, I find it very difficult and sometimes just can't.

Something I am trying at the moment is writing to my child part to explain that the abuse was wrong, and to try and help her feel safe to talk.

 

[Lucycat]

She comes out in flashbacks, but when I need to talk or to release emotions in therapy, I find it very difficult and sometimes just can't.

Gosh - I had never considered 'wanting' the EP to come out! I find it so overwhelming and incapacitating that I would do anything to keep her in check and hidden. I guess though that is probably not a helpful way towards moving in the direction of integration. However I have also read that integration is not necessarily the key as much as learning how to work with the parts in a cooperative and useful manner.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I am very scared of being overwhelmed and losing the ability to function in work or as a mother.

But I function by taking on the role that I need to in order to fit in with other people. But because I just play roles, I don't have an identity that I think of as the real me.This has made me quite vulnerable to getting into unhealthy friendships and relationships. I don't have friends or a partner at the moment, so I'm pretty much not functioning at all socially. So my ANP is problematic.

The other problem is, that I get anxious about people finding out about the secrets, and playing roles increases the feeling of keeping secrets and I try to avoid people outside of work. That is the child winning.

I think integration would help to give me an identity (maybe). But also, it's important for me to give the child a voice, so that she's not carrying secrets around. Even if we don't manage intergration, I need to do something to help the communication between the parts, and to deal with trauma.

 

[rainbow1]

But I function by taking on the role that I need to in order to fit in with other people. But because I just play roles, I don't have an identity that I think of as the real me.

I understand this. Being in a job requires you to behave in a certain way and follow certain rules. I can play along with these rules and that allows me to fit in relatively easily. In social settings it's much harder to figure out all the rules so I struggle more to feel like i'm blending in.

I have a few friends but I keep them at arms length and only tend to meet up with them when i'm more in control of my feelings. I have one friend that lives in Ireland that I see every now and then, but it is around her that I can just be. It feels as close to being the real me that I have ever felt.

 

[Lucycat]

I think you have both shown me how confusing this whole thing is. I understand the 'playing of roles'. Just as I have always told T that the work me and home me are very different, but he described this as perfectly normal behaviour.

The difference in structural dissociation is that it is 'structural'. Like, not a choice, a role or play-acting. I also get how hard it is to 'fit in' in social situations and struggle to understand the rules. Always so scared of looking stupid by saying/doing the wrong thing. In that respect work is so much easier as we have books and books of rules, regulations, guidelines and policies. But take those work people into the social situation - no thank you!!

I don't open up to friends either. I have few, and like you Rainbow, keep them at a distance. They don't understand me and I really don't want to let on just how confused I am inside.

T has said that texting ( to him) is important for me so that the child part can reach out and be heard and believed. Interesting comment that, as during this past week when I was unwell, I spoke to my mother on the phone and started crying. I was reaching out to her - and she simply changed the subject! The adult me would never have shown her that weakness or vulnerability just to have it shattered over again. So, yes, the child part is full of doubt that anybody cares and I need to be aware that she needs listening too.

Actually I find this whole thing quite creepy.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The difference in structural dissociation is that it is 'structural'. Like, not a choice, a role or play-acting.

This isn't a choice. There isn't a personality beneath the roles that I could be instead.

I was dominated and was denied emotions as a child, and I've found people in adulthood to tell me what to be also. So I haven't developed a sense of identity to call myself.

The roles enable me to function and to appear normal. I'm not sure if this is similar to structural dissociation.

My therapist and I have a theory that I do have a personality. But it is the under developed child, and she doesn't function in the outside world. She also brings with her knowledge of abuse that I don't want to know about. So I deny her and can't identify with her or her life.

 

[Lucycat]

Goodness this topic is so confusing! I have been reading as much as I can find about it, and my head is reeling.

It would seem that the Theory of Structural Dissociation of the Personality ( TSDP ) is about a hundred years old with Janet and Freud arguing about what it actually meant and was. Yes confusion number one they refer to TSDP which is all too close and easily confused with PTSD for my liking!!

Anyway, if they could not agree a definition in precise terms then, after a hundred years of further debate the questions still remain. I guess Meadowsweet that is why I did not see what you were describing as Structural Dissociation - I was blinkered to only one view - that which I first read!!

I am more confused than ever, but I think I am clear that no-one really knows. I read about which parts of the brain are activated or inhibited in dissociation and even that is subject to interpretation.

I am a 'black and white' person and find all these shades of grey really hard to deal with. But -hey! this is the real world.

 

[rightkindofme]

My therapist tells me that "hyper-functionality is a common coping method for people with extreme trauma" meaning that we can go to graduate school and hold down very demanding jobs.

Over the years I have read a lot about atypical depression as it relates to PTSD. What your therapist is calling Structural Dissociation I think of as my body processing all of the latent stress I have experienced. I like Anthony's cup explanation over on My.PTSD. :) Sometimes I hit a point where my body needs me to go off somewhere and deal with something that has come up. I cry a lot.

I actually think the crying is ok and is just part of the stage I am in. I don't always cry for three hours a day but I go through periods where I will for weeks. I wasn't allowed to cry as a child. I need to cry for all the hurting. My body is letting me do that now that I am safe.

I believe with all my heart that there is "on the other side" of all this crying. The more I resist the longer it will take. I have to cry all of this awful out. I just have to. If I squelch it I am just delaying the inevitable. I went to a West African grief ritual lead by a woman named Sobonfu Some. Google her. She has books. She is just *fabulous*. Crying is part of life. Grieving is part of life. If you try to ignore the grief, ha ha it will come out somewhere inconvenient.

So I think I understand the mechanism you are explaining but I think of it differently. :) I am highly rational most of the time but I can tell when it is time for my rational thinking to take a back seat because my Lizard brain says it is time to cry.

 

[Lucycat]

What your therapist is calling Structural Dissociation I think of as my body processing all of the latent stress I have experienced.

I would disagree with you here. I think the whole point is that the body has NOT been able to process the trauma so compartmentalises it and stores it within the separate identity.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well I think it WAS stored. I feel like it is trying to come out of storage.