Structural Dissociation?

[shimmerz]

Is your writing like all from the same part do you think or do you find it notably different in language, style, tone when dissociating vs not dissociating? Do you experience different parts writing? If so, could you discribe?

I think this is what is frustrating me so much right now.
I used to be able to write - very well. Now? Not at all. I think the reason is that I switch parts more often than I thought. I may write something and go back to it the next day and go 'WTF? That doesn't sound like me at all!' Or worse still? A part of me is trying to write but is overwhelmed and can't figure out sequencing - which makes writing impossible. But somehow I can't see to follow simple structures even these days.

I don't think I have a large number of parts. The problem is that a couple of those parts are preverbal. This is where I believe the writing problems are coming into place. These parts can't speak, let alone write! Right?

 

[TruthSeeker]

DID = 2 Distinct ANP plus 1 EP (usually though there are far more - average is around 12ish ANP and many fragmented EPs)

SD = 1 ANP 1 EP (usually though many more EPs)

DID = 2 Distinct ANP plus 1 EP (usually though there are far more - average is around 12ish ANP and many fragmented EPs)

SD = 1 ANP 1 EP (usually though many more EPs)

The structural walls in DID are more pronounced and dissociated than SD hence the amnesia and cross information sharing/lack of communication.

My T said that she’s cautious about making a DID diagnosis, and that DDNOS/DNOS are on a spectrum.

The structural walls in DID are more pronounced and dissociated than SD hence the amnesia and cross information sharing/lack of communication.

I think this is what is frustrating me so much right now.

I used to be able to write - very well. Now? Not at all. I think the reason is that I switch parts more often than I thought. I may write something and go back to it the next day and go 'WTF? That doesn't sound like me at all!' Or worse still? A part of me is trying to write but is overwhelmed and can't figure out sequencing - which makes writing impossible. But somehow I can't see to follow simple structures even these days.

I don't think I have a large number of parts. The problem is that a couple of those parts are preverbal. This is where I believe the writing problems are coming into place. These parts can't speak, let alone write! Right?

There are times I feel I need to write or draw, and I have an issue to write about- and literally can’t.
I can put nothing on the paper. I can do nothing productive to “get it out expressively.” Writing is my best communication modality, Drawing is a communication strength, but it only happens
When the right part is in the drivers seat. Oral communication where feelings are involved-a severe weakness, and I intellectualize and can use big words to sound smart when duty calls-- a real strength. But all parts don’t always cooperate like before. Communication can be really frustrating. Thanks for sharing. It has been super helpful!

After T said, she thought diagnosis was at this time CPTSD /DDNOS which I finally - after a year and a half accepted- spent a lot of time in denial, but agreed w dissociation as a lifetime norm,
Fog a part of my personal experience, and

 

[TruthSeeker]

Accidentally hit post prematurely: and...now staying grounded and catching up with life( so many things I don’t know that I should) so very frustrating.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yes, this is the idea of a soul retrieval journey done by a shaman. Through my experience, it works.

Are you speaking of a Kundalini Awakening? See here for more info.
Kundalini Awakening

Ridiculous as it sounds, I sooooo get this.

Hadn't noticed that. You look like a pro that I will never be able to catch up with! :(:arghh;

I found this in another thread which I thought might be helpful for this conversation

In order to survive the trauma, you separated into a Physical Self and a Dissociated Self. To prevent destruction of your Core Self, you hid it where your abuser could not find it. You then forgot where you hid it, because if you could remember, there would be a chance your abuser might get the information from you and thereby gain access to your Core Self and possibly destroy it.

Yes, I’ve just starting soul retrieval in my core shamantic group. I’m finding this really helpful in finding and communicating with my parts. I also get important questions answered. Anyone else use shamanic practices four recovery?

 

[Skywatcher]

I asked my T more questions about structural disassociation. Told her that I don’t write to her anymore because I don’t want the details of my parts in writing because it makes me seem “crazy.” She said that just like inner family systems, structural disassociation is just a model or a theory and used to explain how some people’s brains process information and react to trauma. She said, you know that you are one person sitting here and that all of your parts are a part of you, your personality. The goal is to integrate them as you heal so that they all work together so that you can feel whole, but you are still you. Not crazy, just healing parts of you that were frozen in the past. She described DID and how people loose big chunks of their life and how scary that can be. Truly not the same thing. I fully respect the people with DID as does she, but am glad that I don’t have that. As I sit here and write this, my parts are telling me that they still feel really uncomfortable talking to her. They prefer to hide in therapy. The little ones, not as much. The older ones used to hate her, but they are changing their opinion, but leery about it because they don’t trust anyone. I was adult me in therapy yesterday and it went so well. It helped me deal with a work situation that was triggering a rape. Honestly, when I was current adult me I was completely not afraid the entire session, even before and after. I hugged her goodbye with no hesitation. So maybe the others are in therapy... just in smaller chunks of time, like they are trying her out and emdr does pull them out, but that is because they are part of the traumas. I have trouble noticing who comes out and when until I later evaluate it. Does that happen to you?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I asked my T more questions about structural disassociation. Told her that I don’t write to her anymore because I don’t want the details of my parts in writing because it makes me seem “crazy.” She said that just like inner family systems, structural disassociation is just a model or a theory and used to explain how some people’s brains process information and react to trauma. She said, you know that you are one person sitting here and that all of your parts are a part of you, your personality. The goal is to integrate them as you heal so that they all work together so that you can feel whole, but you are still you. Not crazy, just healing parts of you that were frozen in the past. She described DID and how people loose big chunks of their life and how scary that can be. Truly not the same thing. I fully respect the people with DID as does she, but am glad that I don’t have that. As I sit here and write this, my parts are telling me that they still feel really uncomfortable talking to her. They prefer to hide in therapy. The little ones, not as much. The older ones used to hate her, but they are changing their opinion, but leery about it because they don’t trust anyone. I was adult me in therapy yesterday and it went so well. It helped me deal with a work situation that was triggering a rape. Honestly, when I was current adult me I was completely not afraid the entire session, even before and after. I hugged her goodbye with no hesitation. So maybe the others are in therapy... just in smaller chunks of time, like they are trying her out and emdr does pull them out, but that is because they are part of the traumas. I have trouble noticing who comes out and when until I later evaluate it. Does that happen to you?

Haven’t done EMDR- I use shamantic journeying for our group meetups and drawing them... and writing.... and talking about them- some less trusting than others.

 

[Wendell_R]

She said, you know that you are one person sitting here and that all of your parts are a part of you, your personality.

Yes, I see myself like this. As I see the fractured pieces of my personality, it's just so much easier to get access to all of my personality. I tried psychoanalytical therapy for years and years--it didn't make much of a dent compared to the structural dissociation work. And it's kind of odd--although I see the structural dissociation as a theory, in some ways my parts seem so much more alive than the jumble of fractured pieces that I was before I got into this work. And everything inside me works together. So there's this paradox of the more "crazy" I perceive myself, the more sane my actions and the more calm my psyche.

 

[Skywatcher]

Yes, I see myself like this. As I see the fractured pieces of my personality, it's just so much easier to get access to all of my personality. I tried psychoanalytical therapy for years and years--it didn't make much of a dent compared to the structural dissociation work. And it's kind of odd--although I see the structural dissociation as a theory, in some ways my parts seem so much more alive than the jumble of fractured pieces that I was before I got into this work. And everything inside me works together. So there's this paradox of the more "crazy" I perceive myself, the more sane my actions and the more calm my psyche.

Yesterday, I tried to imagine My two Big T’s and multiple little T’s as if I were a whole person. I became extremely panicked and overwhelmed. Felt like I might die. Luckily, I was able to quickly go back to how I function now. If that is what integration feels like, no thanks. I imagine you heal everything first and then things gradually glue back together, at least I hope so.

 

[Wendell_R]

My two Big T’s and multiple little T’s as if I were a whole person

Oh, that's hard, and I'm not close to that! I can't imagine full integration yet, because the littles are a) afraid of dying, and b) don't want to be close to Big Wendell's sexuality. But we are now talking back and forth, and dealing with conflicts, and expressing desires. I will tell you that it is such a relief to get just to that stage. I have decided that I will probably take a break from therapy before trying to fully integrate/unify, or I may decide to not unify if I'm happy.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Shimmerz :hug::hug::hug: Thank you for sharing. I am glad it is not a secret any more. Secrets are unhealthy for us folk. Far more than others, I think. What a painful and profound journey you've been on all this time. You don't have to hold it all by yourself anymore, you know. We're here too. Walking with you. Holding it all with each other together.

I am profoundly intrigued (? is that the word? moved? honored to witness? compassionate? empathetic? maybe all those and more) I have wished to work with a Shaman for a long time now. I talk very little about my spiritual existence on this forum because there aren't a lot of people who understand or are open to it. It is really, really hard to find people like that, actually. Much of my fall apart and crazy crazy symptoms happened because of some really out-there stuff that happened. I did some spiritual work that unleashed the fury. My system was not ready.


Dear Shimmerz...What @Eleanor said. I could not have said it any better at all.

One adult trauma I have worked on a bit in therapy was my inability to save a man who was fatally injured in a motorcycle accident. I happened 25 years ago. Thought I'd dealt with it, but it has reared it's ugly head along with all the other unprocessed trauma. I was the first person on the scene. I have good emergency medical training. I was terrified and totally dissociated (although I did not know what that meant then). I did everything I could...which ultimately was very little and a failure. He was dying while I watched. Then, his girlfriend who had been thrown from the bike into the woods came stumbling out of the woods, drunk as a skunk and unharmed. Yikes...can't even write about this.

Anyway, I understand that we can process things intellectually...we can KNOW in our heads that we were helpless but tried our best but couldn't change the outcome. That there are universal forces at work far beyond what we can conceive of with our limited spiritual wisdom. But if that knowledge doesn't integrate with our hearts and bodies (the other parts of being human) it doesn't get fully processed. Stays stuck in us. Mapped into our consciousness at some level.


So, as spiritually oriented as I am, I also have a solid background in neuroscience and, since last year, a pretty decent intellectual understanding of trauma processing (Of course, the actual personal experience of DOING it is quite different from understanding it, and integrating those two things even different still). So...sorry if this sounds all intellectual...but it is a piece of it. I think things like your experiences process both spiritually and physically/emotionally (those are inextricable). It is likely that when you were in the hospital in that crisis and integrating your version of pain was a final (perhaps?) piece of your brain re-wiring itself...processing the trauma through your body. If you've read about somatic experiencing/Peter Levine's work, you will have some understanding of that. But your experience is different...dips into the spiritual realms as well in different ways. I'd hazard to propose that your difficult work with your shaman prepared you for processing what you did in the hospital.

I don't know. Perhaps I'm just projecting. But a former forum member with whom I had many conversations (a healer type), suggested to me that I was processing my trauma backward from what happens to most people. Meaning that it started with the spiritual. Oh Ugh, I don't think I can explain it.


Yes! Yes! Yes! I see patterns in EVERYTHING. Hyper-processing!


:bawling: I've thought the same thing about myself.

@shimmerz Patterns: It’s like reading and playing music with repeats in it- if we didn’t get it right the first time we have a chance to try again and usually we do better on the repeat!

Really????? @Eleanor, you can't use this :cautious: EPicon when you are supposed to be like this :).
Not this:O_o:
Not this :mad:
Not this :devilish:
Maybe this :singing:

I bet you have one of these too! :cool:

I have a serious (pardon the pun) play deficiency too. I can do it but it has to be with someone who has an over abundance of fun genes in them. Me on my own? Nope. Not gonna happen. :rolleyes:

@shimmerz I go to drawing class, clay class, fish off the pier, and cook and get my hands super messy. These are all forms of play. Going to the gym and shooting baskets, dancing to music, and arts and crafts- all are play. What do you like to do?

 

[Skywatcher]

One of my young parts wants to die. Sometimes I see her young pale dead body and then another part goes into extreme grief. My T was asking me if she still feels that way since I wrote about it in an email last week. She does. She is stuck in that room with him and really wants to go. How should I handle this?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yes, I’ve just starting soul retrieval in my core shamantic group. I’m finding this really helpful in finding and communicating with my parts. I also get important questions answered. Anyone else use shamanic practices four recovery?

@shimmerz
I have had one reiki treatment and Kundalini is a healing practice more specific to Reiki. The Cote shamanic journey work I practice is

Yes, I’ve just starting soul retrieval in my core shamantic group. I’m finding this really helpful in finding and communicating with my parts. I also get important questions answered. Anyone else use shamanic practices four recovery?

@shimmerz I’m familiar with Reiki and have had a Reiki alignment, but I do not specifically practice Reiki healing on a regular basis. Reiki is great as a healing practice!

Core shamanism as taught by shamanism.org. seeks to utilize the basic shamanic practices and structures used by many cultures from around the world- rather than copying the specific practices from one specific cultural group from one part of the world. Awesome workshops and Im lucky to have a core shaman leader monthly at my UU church. I dig the drumming! The rest I do on my own at home. Journey work helps me communicate with parts, quell the soul, grieve, and release my feelings in a safe place- in a safe way w my spirit guide on my journeys and find answers. I think it is quite a positive fit and compliment to those doing trauma work... especially those who have lost faith in traditional religion...no dogma-just providing opportunity and energy to finding a better, content you/me. ?