Sufferer Struggling... anyone there?

[Myarina]

I am 44, and the past seems to be what I live in suddenly. I think I broke my marriage. 25 years.

I'm home alone, and I need to fix me to fix everything else. I don't know how to do that.

What I'd really like to do is be done. My brother died when he was 29. I know I can't do the same to my family, but it is all I think about right now.

Is anyone out there who understands this?

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @Myarina - welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you are feeling lonely and isolated right now. That's a place most of us have been.

You say you need to fix yourself so that you can then fix everything else. That's a fairly tall order and a lot of pressure to put on yourself. What has transpired to make you feel like you are in this position today?

If by saying you'd like to 'be done' you mean commit suicide then yes.. I've been there and so have many, many people on this forum. Fortunately we all found better ways of resolving our problems or are at least, still working on them.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother. Were you close? I'm glad you know that you cannot expose your family to that same grief.

Have you got anyone in real life you can talk to?

Have a good look around this site. There are ptsd sufferers and supporters too and a lot of useful information.

 

[Myarina]

Thank you, blackemerald1. Thank you for reaching out to someone you don't know.

I am alone, and lonely... good call there. Suicide is up there in my thoughts, and I don't know how to combat that. I know I can't, but I don't know how to want to live.

My brother and I weren't close, as adults. He grew up to drink and abuse, as our father did. He left behind 3 children.

I have 2 adult children, one who still lives with us, but is out tonight.

I'm... isolated, in real life. I am disabled, and I live in a second floor apartment. We moved here for a better high school for the kids, and it was, so I can't regret that. But I'm trapped. And my marriage is broken because of me.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm so sorry you are feeling such deep levels of despair and it seems are trapped physically and emotionally?

We do a lot for our children don't we? And whilst that may have been an excellent decision when they needed that good school... do you still need to stay in that same location now that they are adults? I know... moving is a pain in the neck but is it something you can put on the long term agenda... like finding a place that better suits your needs now?

You are just as important as those children you raised!!! Your needs are really important too.

I'm not sure you should feel you are entirely responsible for the problems your marriage is in. Who really is? Can you explain more? Maybe you would feel more comfortable starting a thread in that area of the forum. There are also areas for suicide ideation (si) - depression etc. Have a look and see if you would like to post new threads there or even do a search and possibly re-activate or contribute to an existing thread. Whatever you best feel like doing.

It seems that there is a fair bit of dysfunction that you have identified in your family... alcohol and abuse. Your brother sounds like he must have been in a lot of pain but I cannot even imagine the grief he left behind with his children.

I'd imagine you didn't get excluded from the abuse and alcoholism by your father either?

Are you being treated for ptsd? Do you have a regular doctor or therapist that you get to see? Marriage counsellor or therapist who can see your husband/you regarding marital tensions?

What do you see as the way forward for you or are you finding it too difficult to even contemplate what might be good for you to consider.. because when I've been deeply depressed just knowing what I want myself is very difficult to determine.

 

[shatter eyes]

Welcome
You aint alone on wanting to be die and telling urself u gotta live and self blame i share also.

Do not give in or entertain the suicidal thoughts and impulses. The surge of emotions can be dangerous or deadly.

Sometimes i wonder if i blame myself as a way of regaining control of life since the trauma symptoms take over daily.

I am also disabled and being so makes the suicide ideas more powerful when i see myself as broken and a burden to others. Practicing distress tolerance from DBT helps alot. Grounding helps alot.. cold water.

 

[HealingMama]

Thank you, blackemerald1. Thank you for reaching out to someone you don't know.

I am alone, and lonely... good call there. Suicide is up there in my thoughts, and I don't know how to combat that. I know I can't, but I don't know how to want to live.

My brother and I weren't close, as adults. He grew up to drink and abuse, as our father did. He left behind 3 children.

I have 2 adult children, one who still lives with us, but is out tonight.

I'm... isolated, in real life. I am disabled, and I live in a second floor apartment. We moved here for a better high school for the kids, and it was, so I can't regret that. But I'm trapped. And my marriage is broken because of me.

Marriage takes two. It's a combination of how both people act and respond to each other. I'm sorry you're in a bad place but it's not fair for you to take all the responsibility for the state of your marriage.

 

[shatter eyes]

When we love someone we often feel we did not do enough or we messed up... filling up with emotions.

I am in a caregiver role also and tonight my increasing passive SI over the weeks have turnee into active visual urges. Hang in there. Hang in there. I will do the same.

 

[Survivor3]

Hiya @Myarina , it sounds like you need to focus on self healing. You sound very depressed about your brother and your marriage. Also the fact that you moved for the benefit of your children.

Do you have a therapist or counsellor?
What is your support network?
I have experienced suicidal ideation myself and I understand your feelings of isolation.

My advice is to build your support network and reach out for help and support. Try joining different groups so your not so isolated. Tell a doctor how you feel aswell. All the best to you, S3.