Struggling Since Therapy

[Bristol]

Since therapy on Thursday i have got myself in such a knot and have no idea how to get myself out. I had to call in sick to work yesterday the thought of facing it and the fact my boss reminds me of my abuser i just couldn't do it. But the anxiety just ate me alive all day when i wasn't busy i was fine when i was. It was like someone was squeezing my stomach really hard and my heart was jumping out of my chest. So today is Saturday and after a couple of hours sleep the anxiety has grabbed me again, hubby is out at work today so i have 9 hours in the house all alone.

I know i should use this time to journal, exercise keep busy but i just dont know what to do with myself. I have already ruined my month of not drinking twice and cutting would be my next option but equally im falling out of love with that because it causes far more stress keeping it hidden. I know that part of this is because she bought my next session forward to Tuesday and wants me to find the words to describe the new flashback i had but it is really going to be like this now until Tuesday? I feel like i am in agony and i literally dont know what to do with myself or how to help myself anymore

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Since therapy on Thursday i have got myself in such a knot and have no idea how to get myself out....

Understood; EMDR therapy is a B for me currently; grateful that I can go; numb and heart palps; feel total disconnect and no feelings and crying a lot lately; hate this; know it will hopefully pass; dr. says numbness and disconnectedness is all part of side effects of EMDR therapy; holidays trigger so many bad mems. just need to hang in here; and in my past back in early 2000's was cutting so much; had towels on floor so much blood; helped then; not now; no more. I was cutting all up n down wrists and inside of arms; helped then - not now; pray a lot; then am mad at God for this crap Bristol. I understand.

 

[Bristol]

Thanks @JadesJewel glad im not alone in feeling like this

 

[Friday]

When I'm suddenly doing much worse, one of the most vexing things is I flat out forget what works.

Sounds like you're remembering some of what works for you (journaling, exercise, keep busy) but have a bad case of the "don't wannas" & and know 2 other things you're wanting / also want to avoid (drinking & cutting).

...So... What else works?

And thinking along those lines : Drinking & Cutting are both numbing. So what else is numbing that either isn't that numbing, that you could do a few of them), or is numbing without the consequences?

If you're coming up with things that are soothing / numbing but you're rejecting them because you know they aren't "enough"? (Which is often where the "don't wannas" come from). Try them anyway :) Will they be enough? Nope! Will they be better than you are right now? Yes. AND doing a few of them together, or back to back, won't have the instant numb that chemicals & self harm do... But they will still soothe, just slower. Keep adding them, one after the other? More and more soothing. Or add them together. Like exercise alone, or a movie alone, might not be "enough". But watching a movie while you exercise? Or exercising, then watching a movie? Or going for a hike with your journal? Seriously. Take what you know works, and add them to other things you know work.

 

[Bristol]

When I'm suddenly doing much worse, one of the most vexing things is I flat out forget what works.

Soun...

Thank you so much for your teply, that was exactly what i needed to hear, numbing is exactly what i need and like you say i do have a bad case of the dont wannas so nothing other than drinking or cutting could possibly work but like you say do a few good things at least they are steps in the right direction or at least a better direction. I just want to get to the point that all this anxiety has gone cause it is just eating me alive

 

[Bristol]

I have cleaned the house, walked the dog and sitting here trying to journal but still doesnt seem to be shifting it, just posting here again as another distraction while i plan my next move!