Struggling Taking Care Of Myself

[Kefira]

It's been about a month since my last therapy session with my now former t and around 3 weeks since I disclosed my latest trauma for the first time. A week ago I had a particularly bad night and was determined to hang myself but circumstances did not allow for me to access the items I needed. I've been cutting since New Years Eve for the first time in several years.

I'm experiencing a lot of chronic pain including near constant headache and a lot of body tension centered in my back and neck. I've been trying to do mindfulness and grounding exercises, but today I was unable to be focused on being in my body for more than a minute or so without wanting to throw up. I've been dissociated most of the time to the point of finding strange injuries I didn't notice happening and have been more clumsy and careless than normal. I have some strange skin symptoms that have to be related to stress.

I also have been noticing other ways I'm not able to care for myself well though beyond the normal inability to take on too much in a day. Not showering or showering too much (several times a day, just too feel warm, to the point where my skin is dried out further), and not taking care of or brushing my hair. I have noticed a really disturbing pattern of forgetting or refusing to eat as well. Last week in a period of 48 hours I ate a bagel and some juice. Some of the time I'm too absent to notice the hunger and some of the time I seem to thrive on it a bit, almost the way I use SI as a punishment. I've been unable to do errands and go places, so there haven't been groceries in the apartment for a few weeks

I told my live in SO tonight that I hadn't eaten all day, was hungry and feeling agoraphobic and needed help and he didn't agree until I got desperate and tried guilting him into it, at which point I felt awful and shut down and convinced him to stay in. Then we fought and he got upset, which was a huge stressor for me because I already had a bad flashback today. So now I feel very alone and betrayed.

Any insight or comfort much appreciated. Really struggling tonight.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry you are having such a terribly rough time.

Re chronic pain - everyone is different but I have lost so much of mine thru Somatic Therapy and also Energy Healing and Craniosacral Therapy. I don't know if you have the means to try any of these, but for me it was helpful.

Any time I have had a good cry, I physically feel immensely better afterward. I wish I could do that any time I needed to but...

A lot of my pain was trauma energy that I hadn't released. Lower back, feet, stomach and chest. Those therapies helped release the energy.

I am sorry your boyfriend was not supportive. Hugs to you if okay.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((Kefira))) Sending thoughts of healing and comfort your way. Sorry you are in pain. You're not alone. We are here for you.

 

[Echo]

Hugs to you, Kefira. When I have been in similar states recently with pain and trapped energy, I have also found healing and reflexology to be really helpful. In the UK some healers don't charge or work via a donation system, i.e. you give what you can, if at all. You don't have to believe in anything or be touched or anything invasive. But it is very calming and gentle, yet very powerful. Sometimes it makes me cry, too, which can be a great relief when it all gets so trapped inside.

I struggle to look after myself, as you describe. I don't have anyone living with me, so everything depends on me. I think this neglect of myself is complicated. I think it is part dissociation, part complete overwhelm, and part a deep self-hatred and blame for what has happened to me. I am sure others will have other suggestions. I haven't talked about this yet with my therapist, but I am just trying to do something small every day, whether it is a little bit of housework or something related to self-care. I am trying really hard not to blame myself about it.

I get my groceries delivered which helps with the pain and not being able to lift things. That aspect of it is great, but it does not mean I actually eat properly and I wonder whether it is also another reason not to go out. I'm thinking I need to get some structure into my life, maybe going out regularly so that I have to groom myself routinely, or having a chart of things I need to be doing on a daily basis (brushing my teeth, showering, how many glasses of water drunk, etc.). I think I might be able to find some kind of small competitive spark in me that enjoys ticking boxes, or something. If that doesn't work, maybe I could find someone who would hold me accountable, like my therapist. This is not to make myself feel bad, but somehow to make things automatic again.

Maybe if you can see what your achievements are in this way, you will start to feel more in control. At least I'm hoping so for myself. But I know I have to factor in very bad days when I just can't do any of that, and I have just got to let myself be.

I am glad you didn't find what you needed to hang yourself. You would be very missed here.

 

[Kefira]

The ironic part of this is I'm a Reiki practitioner, Master and teacher. But lately I've been unable to even center let alone channel and heal. The circle I go to has been discontinued but I will be getting in touch with my teacher if this feeling doesn't go away soon and see if she'll work on me.

I was able to do some meditation and centering today and some tai chi without getting super dissociated (I haven't been able to do any yoga for weeks since I started processing this latest traumatic event).

I do feel somewhat better today. Thank you for the responses. I think sometimes it helps just being able to admit I'm having trouble without fear of judgement.

 

[Kefira]

@Echo re-reading your post, I wondered if you'd heard of Superbetter? It's a site developed by one of the people who worked on World of Warcraft and it's set up like a game where you level over time. They also have several packs that populate your quest lists, ect and it's based on good science. She developed it while recovering from a limiting injury. A friend with anxiety and weight problems and I are using it, and it has been helping me since it's sort of in a format of: do 3 things that are good for you, 3 things that need done, and 1 thing that's a challenge each day.

 

[Echo]

Hi @Kefira, I don't know about Superbetter, but it sounds like it's based on coaching principles. I've done that training, though not quite complete due to the PTSD, and I'm finding some of the exercises or principles really helpful. It seems the key thing is to have someone or something to whom/which you are accountable (i.e. shows an interest, not gives you hell!), which gives you an added level of motivation. Superbetter sounds really cool from what you say. Go for it, if it works. I've never got into gaming or anything like that; I'm just too old and it stresses me out!!

I'm also into healing in a variety of ways, though like you it is a bit of a struggle to do the usual meditation-type things with raging PTSD. What helps me though is healing music: binaural beats, Tibetan singing bowls and some chanting. I wouldn't have particularly gone for that in the past, but it all has such a powerful, calming effect on me physically, especially around my heart. It makes life more manageable. I guess it is about using the resources that work at the moment. Youtube is full of it.

 

[Kefira]

though like you it is a bit of a struggle to do the usual meditation-type things with raging PTSD.

Right? I have had a few people I've informed of the energy work and meditation and they're sort of like "But you're a basket case, how does that even work?" And so often it doesn't. I have to sort of roll with it and be okay with only sitting still for 5 minutes if that's all I can do today. Tai Chi seems to work sometimes since even if you're moving slowly there's still motion. Seems to keep me a little more focused sometimes than trying to will myself to sit still and be present.

 

[Echo]

Yes, sitting still and being present mostly just sets off bodily memories for me at the moment. But I find having a session with my herbalist/reflexologist/healer woman very helpful. It seems to fetch out bits of trauma, piece-by-piece, in manageable chunks, if you like, so retraumatising doesn't occur. But it won't be for everyone. Tai Chi is a good idea when your body lets you - mine wouldn't at the moment. But in the end, anything that works for any length of time is great.

I also find it helps to see all the trauma as a massive cloud of negativity which I am clearing, rising above and, hopefully, conquering. Every day I ask for it to be cleansed and that I am filled with strength and light to fight this thing. I don't want to be corrupted by it, if you like, so this works for me. I do feel a bit more in control when I do it. I guess it takes years of faith and personal proof to know it will make a difference, so seeing a practitioner is helpful.