I talked about really hard things today to both my Ts (psychodynamic and DBT).
I sort of planned it carefully before talking with PT ... in terms of laying the foundations. I had a lot of questions/conversations first about trust & how he might take things and how hard it is to discuss things. I wasn't sure I could get there, and I needed to know I was feeling really connected first, and he I wouldn't feel he was frustrated with me if I couldn't get the words out. We've been together 18mths and there've been some pretty big ruptures along the way, mostly due to my mistrust.
I talked with him about the most recent trauma (not my fault and not shameful..) and to DBT t about childhood stuff (not my fault and not shameful but feels that way). Both were hard conversations. There are no words big enough for some things. For others, the words feel so private and shameful and unspeakable. I couldn't work out how to find enough words together to string together a sentence. I honestly thought I might end up saying just one word for each horrible memory...like a body part or whatever, because it was all I could get out, and there was so much meaning wrapped up in it, in my head.
In the end I used euphemisms, but DBT T rephrased them into real words....which was sort of shocking. He sends a written summary, and seeing them written there, plain as day, made me catch my breath and also made me sad. But it made them real and brought the images outside of me, where I am alone with them and into the light, where there's another human being. I copied and pasted thembto my journal so I can look at them again wbd again. I don't want them any longer. Maybe I can say the words now, too. I don't know. I just started another thread about how there's so much more....
And I had planned how I would take care of myself afterwards. I made sure I got out of the house & did something soothing and calming - I got a massage & then took myself out to dinner. I'm getting better at that.
With ex bad-boundaries T, I often couldn't get the words out and would send an email, but sometimes I said too much too soon. It's too easy on paper, and I wasn't ready. And then I ended up feeling pressured to talk about it. I'm pleased I didn't do that this time around.
