Struggling To Regain Trust With My Therapist

[erigby]

About 5 weeks ago my therapist got really frustrated with me and though he had vowed to not give up on me...(an attempt I think to build trust as I suffer from abandonment issues) he dropped me like a hot potato and refused to refer me to another therapist. He told me it was "my work to do and I should begin with someone in my insurance network." That was it.

This threw me into a whirlwind of emotional flashbacks for days where I pleaded with voice messages for him to change his mind...that I had been wrong... that there was a misunderstanding...that it was my fault for mentioning my challenges with being open and honest with him...that I did trust him...that I should have never suggested seeing another therapist.

Ever since...I have been having major avoidance issues in our sessions together. I am constantly afraid of doing something that will upset him again. I still feel abandoned even though he and I talked about. I am having a hard time getting to a place of trust. I am people pleasing mode and we never even started talking about the difficult stuff (I had been seeing him weekly for about 3 and 1/2 months).

As anyone struggled with this? Were you ever able to regain trust? Is it worth trying to regain trust? I think I am still surprised at how upset just thinking about the whole thing makes me feel.

I am still working on getting medication for the symptoms of PTSD and MDD. The first round had no effect so am waiting to try something else (which is torture in and of itself). So have been feeling particularly emotionally unstable and uncertain. God I hate this so much.

Just thinking about the incident makes me sick to my stomach. I tried to mention it this past week but he just raised his voice and "said that was 5 weeks ago...can't you just let it go." I didn't say anything except that I feel like I suck at therapy.

Right now apparently the answer is no...I can't just let it go...so what do I do now.

 

[NightSky]

If my T used the words "can't you just let it go" I would be out of there. It's so invalidating and dismissive. Obviously if it's still bothering you then you can't let it go and shouldn't. What is his view on attachment and/or transference? Some T's expect it and help you work through it and from what I've read/heard some do not. I'm sorry he is treating you this way. I don't think I would be able to rebuilt trust in that situation. You're probably not feeling great as it is about how much it's bothering you and his reaction would cause me to feel so ashamed. You shouldn't have to worry about upsetting him. How can you feel safe and be completely honest if you're worried about him?

 

[erigby]

@NightSky...it did cause me to feel a great deal of shame...and I feel even more shame that it is still bothering me.
and now I feel overwhelmed with hopelessness.

 

[NightSky]

@NightSky...it did cause me to feel a great deal of shame...and I feel even more sham...

you've done nothing wrong so don't take on that shame or hopelessness if you can help it. Clearly this is a painful area and you deserve a T who cares and is compassionate and patient. Obviously if you didn't have areas of struggle you wouldn't be in therapy!!
Even if you emailed your T and said "I hate you. You're the worst. I never want to see you again," your T should be able to handle it. My T said she has had people throw things at her, scream at her, etc and she understands it's not about her. Your T seems defensive and maybe not able to see your needs through his own. Maybe I'm wrong. But he should not be doing anything to contribute to your feelings of shame. You deserve better.

 

[erigby]

@NightSky thank you for your words of encouragement. I can feel myself slipping into my childhood/adolescent emotional state over the whole thing. I feel incredibly guilty about it. Am trying to decide now if its worth bringing up again or if I should just leave without saying anything. I'm really afraid of more shame and guilt if I bring it up...but I don't how much hurt avoiding it will cause either. My rational adult brain says..."she's right...he should never add to your shame and guilt. You need to tell him and if he acts like a jerk say goodbye." My emotional flashback brain says "you're a loser, of course he got mad at you...look how needy you are and then he tried to resolve it and that wasn't enough...because you suck and you are too needy. He was right to tell you to let it go. Why can't you just let it go?!!..."
well you see where this is going.
I feel horrible.

 

[NightSky]

I wouldn't just leave. I would bring it up again. And if you can, talk about how shamed you felt by his response. That gives a little more room to see if maybe he was having a bad day or didn't mean his reaction to come across the way it did, etc. Talking about it again will only add further clarity, especially if you go into the conversation knowing you deserve a space where you can go over and over something until if feels resolved for you. You deserve that!! You need that. He should know you need that.
Go into it feeling no shame about your needs and see it as a test for him. Not for you.

 

[Muted]

Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this! It sounds like your T has his own abandonment issues he might need to work on.

My T makes me feel safe even when one of my younger parts has been bad. She's never ever even raised her voice at me.

She did try to refer me to someone else, because I wanted to be able to contact her in an emergency. She doesn't want to be on call.

I won't go to a different t though, I've been to plenty before. Some of my parts don't trust her anymore and don't want anything to do with her. They like to keep her at a distance now.

I don't think this sounds healthy, you shouldn't have to beg to see your t and he shouldn't ignore you. That sounds abusive to me. He can't force you to trust him and he hasn't been emotionally safe for you is what it sounds like to me.

 

[erigby]

@Gia1019 thank you for your reply...when you say "some of your parts," are you referring to disassociation? I am still trying to figure all of this out. I definitely think my confident adult (the part of me that puts on the happy face and pretends really well) trusts him...but lately I have been trapped in a younger version of myself (when I see him) that is incredibly unsure and timid...even afraid...it's weird to describe...

but I can't talk about any of the deeper issues...which is where all the problems are.

Just typing this is helping me process all of this. The part of me where the issues begin...is afraid he will hurt me (emotionally not physically).

Is this structural disassociation, dissassociation or depersonalization? I am still trying to figure out if I am struggling with these sorts of things.

 

[erigby]

I wouldn't just leave. I would bring it up again. And if you can, talk about how shamed you felt by hi...

You're right...I do deserve a space to go over and over and over it again until I feel like it is resolved...besides...I'm paying for his time.

 

[Muted]

Yes, @erigby I'm talking about disassociative stuff. I don't really know a lot about it, but I struggle with it quite a bit.

I think depersonalizations is feeling like things aren't real.

Following a long trauma period a few years ago, I saw a t that made everything worse and I got so scared of things I was doing during that time... I've never felt the same since. It still scares the hell out of me, even thinking about it.

I'm struggling with going to those deeper issues too with my t. I trust her, but I am way too afraid of getting triggered back to that state and then having no one to call. Therefore, I won't go there... I am very good at surviving, I've done it for most of my life.

 

[joeylittle]

Is this structural disassociation, dissassociation or depersonalization? I am still trying to figure out if I am struggling with these sorts of things.

I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to any rift in a working relationship.

You and the therapist were in the middle of building what's called the 'therapeutic alliance' - this refers to the process of client and therapist becoming a team, united towards the common goal of addressing the clients issues.

That process was set back to square one - for your T, when they couldn't handle whatever you were throwing at them, and for you, when the T dropped you.

There's no way to move forward with each other without addressing what happened. So, if T refuses to, you've got to find someone else. This is one of the hardest but most important parts of a therapists job...to be able to put their own feelings and stressors aside, to be dealt with in their own therapy, and instead always be willing to walk wherever the client needs to go. Even if it's going to involve themselves as the topic.

Have you tried writing it out, how you feel you are walking on eggshells and don't know how to get past it?

And, do you yourself understand what caused the breakdown of the relationship in the first place? Did you break trust with the therapist in some way? I'm not blaming you, I'm genuinely asking.

 

[Muted]

Well said @joeylittle !