Struggling To Speak In Therapy.

[JA1992]

Hi guys!

I've recently began trauma therapy - mainly CBT focused, however I'm really struggling. I was sexually abused from 4-13 (I'm now 24). I've met my therapist twice and she said I can only focus on one distressing thing.

The issue is I have plenty of distressing memories, some of which I can't even fully remember, which probably sounds absolutely ridiculous. I can picture a few still images with absolute no recollection of what happened but it's still so, so frightening to think about.

The other distressing things which I can remember in full, I struggle to verbalize it to my therapist. I know it's ridiculous but it's too sexual and I'm way too embarrassed telling her in detail things which happened. I feel like I just can't verbalize it. It's horrible and I just don't feel like I'm going to move forward with this.

Does anybody else have this problem?

 

[Justmehere]

It's a very common struggle to talk about trauma, and I would actually advise against pushing yourself to speak of it to the post of being destabilized.

Good trauma therapy first focuses on stabilization and building up coping skills before talking about the trauma, because while it can be a very helpful thing to do, it can also stir up a lot of symptoms.

CBT can be helpful without going into the the details of the trauma and you are very early in treatment. I think yourbtheroaits might be wisely trying to help you learn how to contain and pace the process of working with these memories.

If you want to push towards speaking more about it, go slow. Talk around it and then see how you feel and use coping skills. Perhaps journal about it. Tell the therapist your fears. Find ways to cope with the distress itself and develop a sense of safety. It won't ever be comfortable and easy, but it will become more doable.

Oh and it's quite normal to not remember all of a trauma. Don't rush trying to remember either. One doesn't have to remember to heal and when you are ready, the defense mechanism of not remembering will come down.

 

[Bristol]

Hi guys!

I've recently began trauma therapy - mainly CBT focused, however I'm really struggling. I was...

I was the same age as you so i totally get where your coming from. Same as you i have images of stuff but no idea how it all ties together. I dont know how they tie it into CBT im having therapy with the local r*pe charity i am about 24 sessions in and loads more to go, take your time it is really really hard to talk about

 

[Leighlee87]

Oh my goodness yes. I've been with my therapist for 18 months, and we are JUST now getting to a point where I'm admitting to her that I was sexually abused. Luckily I had much bigger traumas to work on with her first. I say luckily, because the sexual abuse stuff is sooooo difficult. She knows in the broadest terms that I was abused and who did it, but beyond that I haven't been able to way the details out loud. And it's largely the same, the embarrassment of saying those details out loud. I think, we typically don't have conversations about the details of our sexual lives (weather consensual or not), doing so with someone you don't know well is incredibly hard.

My advice, and yes, work through one memory at a time.
But, write down a list of all those memories and organize them from either least traumatic to most traumatic, or from easiest to discuss to the most difficult. Start little and work your way up. That gives you time to build a stronger relationship in the meantime. There isn't any reason to jump in head first.

If you do this, go ahead and tell her that you want to start with some of the less distressing memories first and work your way on up a bit. She will understand.

Another thing to do is to sit and have a discussion of the very thing you wrote here. It's a great sounding board and will allow her to help you navigate the process and probably devise a more detailed plan together. And she will probably help you work through the emotions you are feeling--not being able to verbalize the feelings, awkward and uncomfortable talking about the details, and feeling like your stuck already.

 

[crashmoon]

Hi guys!

I've recently began trauma therapy - mainly CBT focused, however I'm really struggling. I was...

I also have memories that were "blocked out." I feel as if that's our minds doing its best to protect us, but sometimes the fear of not knowing can be more suffocating than knowing.

My therapist and I are very close, I've been seeing her since I was in the seventh grade. Even so, I have a hard time going in depth with my thoughts because it's so hard to verbalize. Please know, that after you let it all out you will feel so much better. But with that being said, do not push yourself. You will know when you are ready, and then you can do your best to verbalize. My favorite appointments are ones where I genuinely tell her what I'm thinking and feeling. Hugs

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @JA1992 )))
First of all, WELCOME to the Forum! You have found a safe "home" for your story, your pain, and where you are accepted as you are, for who you are, and who you will become! I have been a member for a little over 5 years, and have gained friends, insight, and understanding from reading, and writing! Compassion and empathy are found here in huge quantities, and I hope you will be comfortable. If you have questions, you can go to "Help-Tickets" and you will receive a fast and helpful response.

I am SO sorry that you have had such painful, and life changing trauma! You did NOTHING to deserve it, just in case you ever feel like you could, or should have stopped it. You were a child, and it was up to the adults in your life to make sure you were safe, just like keeping you safe from being hit by a car, burned by a hot stove or fire, or from falling out of a high window. Period. I was sexually molested around the age of 4, and then throughout my growing up. Not constantly, but enough to have it completely change the direction of my life. All it took, was not being supervised properly.

Although one has to work through things somewhat one at a time...sometimes the thoughts and feelings, along with the experiences can all be wrapped up together and hard to separate. I know that I sometimes ramble, because it is so hard to get the words out that describe our pain. It IS especially difficult to talk about events, and memories that happened before you even came close to knowing how to verbalize ANY feelings or circumstances. In the earliest experiences, you might not have known that what was happening was actually NOT okay.

It takes more than 2 visits, in my opinion, to get comfortable with a therapist. I have been in and out of therapy since I was about your age, and mostly IN therapy. Some therapists are better than others. The first one is not always a good fit. It took me 5 years with my current therapist to get the words out of my mouth...to say that my oldest brother was the main abuser. Even then, it came out slowly, and painfully. It is SO "normal" to be having difficulty speaking about sexual experiences, MOST especially the negative ones. Technically, in a perfect world, you would have very little sexual experience to talk about, and it wouldn't be about abuse from 4-13 years of age.

The truth is, that I am 60 years old (Yikes!) and I am FINALLY getting to the point where my healing is as complete as I will most likely get. That a good thing! I feel like I am much younger than the calendar says I am! No longer blaming myself for things that were not in my control. I was not supervised...in other words...I was neglected and not watched after by my mother. I have even healed to the point where I am now her caretaker, and I don't have the urge to wring her neck....most of the time anyway!

I was married 4 times. (Another Yikes!) I thought I needed to have a man to be complete. I have chosen to remain single for the remainder of my life. That decision isn't made by many people, I think. But, for me, that decision has set me free! It is an AWESOME thing that you are getting therapy NOW, and not waiting until you have been through more just by not addressing what happened to you. I didn't start the intense CBT until I was in my 40's, AFTER I had been married so many times, and completely burned out on having relationships.

All of that being said; you could write out this out on a piece of paper and hand it to her.

The issue is I have plenty of distressing memories, some of which I can't even fully remember, which probably sounds absolutely ridiculous. I can picture a few still images with absolute no recollection of what happened but it's still so, so frightening to think about.

The other distressing things which I can remember in full, I struggle to verbalize it to my therapist. I know it's ridiculous but it's too sexual and I'm way too embarrassed to describe in detail things which happened. I feel like I just can't verbalize it. It's horrible and I just don't feel like I'm going to move forward with this.

I took out the part about telling HER about it. By letting her read that, it will tell her a LOT and you won't have to verbalize at least that part. I would hope that she would find a way to help you talk about the things that you need to, in order to get what you need from therapy. If she seems uncomfortable, you could ask her if there is someone she could recommend who has more training in childhood sexual trauma. It's her responsibility to either be able to deal with what YOU need, or find the right person who can help you.

I think I might be the world's longest post writer, but some things can't be said in just a few words. My father was a minister, so I come by being long-winded honestly. :)

Blessings of peace and success in your journey of healing!
AKJ (Here's a gentle hug, if it's ok with you :hug: )

 

[Missycat]

Hi @JA1992 and welcome to the forum.

Your story absolutely resinates with me. I was abused from age 7 to 14 . I am 51 now and only went into therapy spprox 9 months ago ( after previous failed attempts when i was much younger) . I see a trauma therapist and am doing emdr and talk therapy. My T uses a variety of different therapy models. I spent a lot of initial sessions dissociating and i really struggled to open up or say the words of what had happened. I kept a journal of my flashbacks and nightmares and notes of the memories of the abuse - i found writing it down much easier as i could control how much i wanted to say. I then emailed to my T , some people write it on paper and then hand it to their T. I still struggle when we 'process' or talk about the abuse but by putting it in writing means my T understands what happened and can better support and treat me.
Also , when we are doing emdr or processing the trauma we now do in smaller manageable chunks so i stay present and dont become overwhelmed.
Have you spoken to your T about different ways you can open up and communicate about what happened.
I wish you all the best.

 

[JA1992]

Thanks everybody for your replies. It helps knowing I'm not the only one who has this problem and so my therapist will have probably had other similar patients too. I feel a bit like I wont be believed because I can't verbalize things and because I struggle SO MUCH keeping eye contact too because I just feel so awkward!
I might write the things I struggle with down and show her. Hopefully that'll make future therapy sessions easier.

 

[NightSky]

This is so normal. I'm 18 months into therapy and haven't said much out loud. I give most of the information to my T in emails and then we talk around it. So much work needs to be done to feel safe and to trust your T and to address the underlying feelings that keep you quiet i.e. Shame, fear, etc.
If you think not remembering sounds ridiculous it might be helpful to read whatever books you can get your hands on about trauma, like The Body Keeps the Score. It will help normalize that experience for you.
You're so early in the process. You're embarking on a journey and you will need to have a lot of patience and grace for yourself.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi guys!

I've recently began trauma therapy - mainly CBT focused, however I'm really struggling. I was...

Write it down and let your T read it, would be a lot easier for you...

 

[talon]

Hi guys!

I've recently began trauma therapy - mainly CBT focused, however I'm really struggling. I was...

Often easier to write it if you can . I found this helps . Often when traumatic facing another is hard . We are all different . Someone i knew used to write to a created personna . Choose a name say Charlotte. Tell her what you can she will listen without comment. Then share this if actually speaking is a no no. Hope this helps

 

[Muted]

Yes, I struggle with this too a lot. It feels like I know what I need to say, but I can verbally form the words.