Struggling with a Lack of Consideration on the Part of...Well, Everybody

[whiteraven]

I am struggling in ways I haven't for a very long time. And it all seems to be tied to the idea that nearly everyone I come in contact with is dismissive or grossly inconsiderate (not just to me, but to all others, to the environment, to animals, etc). I've been crying for two days, and I am now to the point where I want to die again. Been a long time since I was suicidal, but here we are...

When did it start? As I write this, I'm thinking it's cumulative. It began with church. Godawful place, I've discovered. First they manipulated everyone into agreeing to the restoration of the sanctuary wall (to the tune of $1M), then the minister left because of hateful and biased comments about her Muslim heritage. It really tore the church apart, and lots of people are leaving. I've paid attention, and it seems that the core group of folks there is just waiting for people to leave--they are not making the changes that need to be made, not treating anyone any better, not even considering any suggestions.

I am pagan leader there, and I have announced that I'm leaving at the end of the year, but after this week, I think I'm going to have to go earlier. I occasionally serve as assistant in worship, and I'm supposed to on Sunday, but no one has bothered to contact me with any details (some sermonists like to choose all their own stuff, some want us to do it, and I have no idea about this one). I requested a meeting to address it and to talk about pagan services for the end of the year, and the meeting was scheduled on a day I can't make it. And yes, I told everybody. The attitude is mostly, "too f*cking bad."

And then there's the stuff at home. I live in a condo, and we got a new renter a couple of months ago who has 5 vehicles. That sometimes leaves no parking for some of us and absolutely none for our guests.

That same renter is storing equpt on his balcony, which is against the fire code, even after everyone was reminded.

That same renter throws trash over the balcony, and it often lands on my patio.

I read last night about a Christian woman who was "infiltrating" a large pagan event, deceitfully getting people's contact info so she could contact them and bombard them with Christian messages so they could "be saved."

I took a walk after that, and discovered that most of the trees at the far end of the lake, along with bushes and all the underbrush, have been cut down. It is absolutely devastating. Looks like a fire went through there. I asked for the justification, and was told to be assured it was done for the good of everyone.

I am really struggling. Comments and support are welcome.

 

[Bamma]

I'm very sorry that you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're feeling that your world is a pretty dark place right now. Please might I make two suggestions? Please could you look for positive things? Little things like even the smallest kindnesses that you see? Please also could you try to practice "appreciations"/"gratitudes", for even small things? Like focus on the enjoyment of something you're eating, or how a hot bath feels... anything at all. I find it helpfull, even, to send a note to someone once in awhile, thanking someone for something they did for me in the past.

 

[owenklroo]

I've found that volunteering with animals at my local shelter really helps my morale. There are sad stories, but many more rewarding ones. Especially if you help with adoptions, walk dogs or socialize cats, I've found. But I totally hear you. Ice felt similar over the past couple years, and it's not all personal - it's societal

 

[whiteraven]

I've found that volunteering with animals at my local shelter really helps my morale. There are sad stories, but many more rewarding ones. Especially if you help with adoptions, walk dogs or socialize cats, I've found. But I totally hear you. Ice felt similar over the past couple years, and it's not all personal - it's societal

Yeah...actually, I do a lot of volunteering (one for a rescue) and have two cats. Unfortunately, nothing I try helps anymore. It only aggravates issues.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @whiteraven , I am sorry it's so hard, frustrating, and even disheartening to the point of feeling so hopeless.

I think sometimes being less aware makes life easier for people. I have found the same sometimes, and my workplace is horrid. I've come to the conclusion after much soul-searching and failed attempts to think differently about it or ignore it, to just be kind myself (including to the coworkers). But to also realize their choices are their own, though I know it's very difficult when it impacts on you. But I also think, the most kindest explanation I can think of is we have nothing in common. And it highlights how important and valuable people are who don't do that, who do the opposite for me (are kind, or solid, or thoughtful, or respectful). And how very important it is to have something or someone like yourself to go against that flow, to care when others aren't. Maddening for you but invaluable for others, as many others also feel hopeless and unheard and unseen (and squashed amidst the actions of others). I do know because I can't control what others care about or do, I feel I can only choose from what I care about or do, and not get overly sidetracked by it or others. And as others have said focus on the good things and limit as much as possible over exposure to the rest. (So for example, when I see the garbage, know I can see (and likely smell! ) and hear; look at a beautiful sight/ sunset; think of people who are doing thoughtful things in the condo; continue to throw my garbage out, not over the balcony. With Church, that's a judgement call: you need safety, clear direction, communication and boundaries. It may or may not be the right church for you. Needless to say, if you have to speak no one else but you could think or say what you will, so maybe it's more for others' benefit than your own. Etc.)

I think post-pandemic made it more pronounced. People seem to feel entitled and angry after their suffering and with their current suffering and disappointments. Hope you find a lot more kindness and gentleness in what is often a cruel harsh world. Sending sweetness and gentleness your way.

ETA, I took today as a Vac day. As much as I'm trying to follow my own advice, being around it is so draining, I feel exhausted and it unsettles me. I really have to refocus. And if you can I hope you can have some laughs and do what does bring you comfort. And talk it out if needed, here or with someone you trust. Hugs to you.

 

[whiteraven]

I think sometimes being less aware makes life easier for people.

Oh, for sure. I think many, many people make up/grasp onto things to believe in so they don't have to look at the real world.

But to also realize their choices are their own, though I know it's very difficult when it impacts on you.

Yeah...I agreement about others' choices being their own. I guess I struggle with knowing that, in the cases I've mentioned, they affect others (not just me) as well.

it highlights how important and valuable people are who don't do that, who do the opposite for me (are kind, or solid, or thoughtful, or respectful).

I have trouble focusing on that. Maybe because the number of people who are doing the former is just overwhelming right now.

I do know because I can't control what others care about or do

Agreed. But again...where I struggle is knowing that what people do affects others. It would not be ok for me to park my car in the middle of our street, and I suspect a great many people would be upset if I did.

focus on the good things

I have trouble doing this. I think I see very little good in my world. I have been thinking also that I am an empath, and I feel so many things--from other people and animals and nature generally--that makes it hard not to focus on the suffering.

limit as much as possible over exposure to the rest.

Yes. This, I think, is the thing that helps the most. Of course, it is leading to near-complete isolation, which is another problem.

I took today as a Vac day

Oh, good! I hope that was good for you. I was thinking about taking a couple of days next month and taking a short trip. But I have so much anxiety leaving my kitties, that it m ight not be worth it. I got cameras, and I have someone who is willing to come in and feed/check on them, but it's not the same.

Thanks, @Tinyflame!

 

[Friday]

It’s truly exhausting and demoralizing to be surrounded by assholes.

 

[Applecore]

I am struggling in ways I haven't for a very long time. And it all seems to be tied to the idea that nearly everyone I come in contact with is dismissive or grossly inconsiderate (not just to me, but to all others, to the environment, to animals, etc). I've been crying for two days, and I am now to the point where I want to die again. Been a long time since I was suicidal, but here we are...

If it's any consolation: been there, many times; and I mention this to you only as living proof that change happens. The way you feel today will not be the same way you feel every day, I can assure you. Adjust certain things about your life, and you'll be surprised what effect that can have.

I agree with you about people. We're selfish, jealous, ashamed, greedy, dishonest, deluded, disappointing creatures at the best of times. Yet each of us are capable of the opposite of all that. Some of us have to reduce our idealistic expectations of others so as to feel less depressed by people. I had to, and I'm far less sociable than I once was, and that's strangely good.

Making a stranger smile is sometimes better than meeting an old friend, I have learned. Last week, I met a kindly, gentle mother who was unable to get her aggressive, possibly disturbed six-year-old-son to stop terribly misbehaving in a diner, bothering everyone there, much to her shame. I intervened only to address the boy by name and say in a stern voice that his mother is right, always. The look in her eyes that someone could feel her pain lifted my heart. You believe in love, and you can do that too.

You talk about your struggle with your Church, and your immediate environment. They say change is as good as a rest - could you take a break from the church for a month, and replace the time you spend involved with it to take up other activities, and see how you feel after that?

You could try self help reading. One of many I like, though it's at times a tad kooky, is Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser.

You could read up about "spiritual abuse" and it might offer you a path forward or at least some ideas to bounce off. I really like Spiritual Bypassing: When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters by Robert Masters.

Never forget that your spiritual life is not dependent on any one set of people. People by nature are no less political and psychological than they are spiritual. They're flawed, and they are just people. We can forgive them for that much, and move on to where we want to be.

Lifestyle changes can be surprisingly helpful. Like doubling exercise and halving harmful food and drink. Record progress in a calendar, it'll make you feel good.

You mentioned nature. That is my church. Leaves make me smile, birdsong makes my smile; I guess the same works for you. How about a walking trip, a wandering in the wilderness, a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts? Or could you change your environment - even go on retreat of some kind for a couple of weeks?

 

[whiteraven]

The way you feel today will not be the same way you feel every day, I can assure you. Adjust certain things about your life, and you'll be surprised what effect that can have.

Thanks for your response.

I've been adjusting things for the last 45+ years. While I know that nothing is permanent and absolutely everything changes minute-to-minute (I've actually written a book on that), I am at the point where I *need* to see a move from how things have been generally to a happier or more content existence.

could you take a break from the church for a month, and replace the time you spend involved with it to take up other activities, and see how you feel after that?

Oh, I'm leaving it completely at the end of the year. Probably the same with the two volunteer jobs I do. I don't think it will help, except to remove them as stressors.

You could try self help reading.

No one has anything new to say. I used to read them all the time. I have written one--not yet published but ready to be, because I came not to believe most of it anymore.

Lifestyle changes can be surprisingly helpful. Like doubling exercise and halving harmful food and drink. Record progress in a calendar, it'll make you feel good.

I can't exercise much, as I have constant, chronic pain. I change things up a lot, and no, it doesn't make me feel good. Not for long enough to matter. Sometimes, in the moment, doing something different is momentarily relieving, but it never lasts.

How about a walking trip, a wandering in the wilderness, a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts? Or could you change your environment - even go on retreat of some kind for a couple of weeks?

I've done all this, except for the retreat--can't afford that in either money or time. I don't really like going out anymore, though, and I have two cats I don't like to leave.

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

 

[Bamma]

Oh, for sure. I think many, many people make up/grasp onto things to believe in so they don't have to look at the real world.

Yeah...I agreement about others' choices being their own. I guess I struggle with knowing that, in the cases I've mentioned, they affect others (not just me) as well.

I have trouble focusing on that. Maybe because the number of people who are doing the former is just overwhelming right now.

Agreed. But again...where I struggle is knowing that what people do affects others. It would not be ok for me to park my car in the middle of our street, and I suspect a great many people would be upset if I did.

I have trouble doing this. I think I see very little good in my world. I have been thinking also that I am an empath, and I feel so many things--from other people and animals and nature generally--that makes it hard not to focus on the suffering.

Yes. This, I think, is the thing that helps the most. Of course, it is leading to near-complete isolation, which is another problem.

Oh, good! I hope that was good for you. I was thinking about taking a couple of days next month and taking a short trip. But I have so much anxiety leaving my kitties, that it m ight not be worth it. I got cameras, and I have someone who is willing to come in and feed/check on them, but it's not the same.

Thanks, @Tinyflame!

Are you still feeling how you were with your first post? What would you say to someone else who expressed they were feeling that way?

 

[OliveJewel]

not yet published but ready to be, because I came not to believe most of it anymore.

What are the broad strokes of the book?

 

[whiteraven]

What are the broad strokes of the book?

The theme is the temporary nature of depression--and everything. And it's written in a very casual, conversational tone. There are tons of resources, some exercises I designed to help readers find their passions, and a few things I've never seen in any other self-help books. Several folks have beta read it, and the feedback has been very positive.

Before, when I could work on it or read it through, I was able to find a space that is manageable, but the last time, I was like, "yeah...this is BS." I think it would be useful for others, but I just can't get back to it. It's done, but I have a few things I need to add to the resources section.