ED Struggling with bulimia

[lux.]

Does anyone else struggle with an eating disorder? I know that a lot of people with eating disorders have experienced trauma in their lives. I got out of an inpatient eating disorder hospital about 5 weeks ago and didn't binge (overeat) or purge (induce vomiting) until four days ago, but now I've done it 3 times in the last four days. I feel like such a failure and like I'm just never going to get better. I feel like giving up.

My various addictions and compulsions have been my main way of coping with my trauma. I was an alcoholic and drug addict but have been clean and sober for 7 months now. But somehow that was much easier to deal with than food. It was my first maladaptive coping mechanism--I started when I was around 15. And my therapist says that it has a more symbolic tie to my trauma. Most of my physical abuse started over food. When I was little I was a really picky eater, and when I would refuse to eat what my mother made for dinner, my dad would start. And I've been told that, in a way, when my dad stopped punishing me I started punishing myself (although I don't remember when the abuse stopped, I'm just pretty sure it was over when my bulimia started).

I'm 32 now so I've been bulimic for a very, very long time. I feel so hopeless and I hate myself for being a miserable failure. Does anyone else struggle with this?

 

[Changing4Best]

I think one of the most difficult aspects of eating disorders, as opposed to other addictions is that we have to eat to survive. So we get exposed to our favorite addiction every time we eat, which is several times a day.

I was prescribed a drug that caused me to gain 60 pounds in 4 months! Since then I have struggled with food. It took we only four moths to gain that weight, but it took 6 years for me to lose it. And when I stopped trying to keep my weight down, I gained most of it back. Right now, by the grace of God and friends, I am holding at 153 to 157. I am keeping myself to about 1300 calories a day and it isn't easy. I feel for you!

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I have struggled with eating disorders or better said disordered eating for most of life. I say it that way because I flip flop between extremes. Sometimes it's Bulima, sometimes I just don't eat. Anorexia. Mine is also centred around trauma. To me though when I start getting to a severe part like someone noticing and being concerned than I will switch coping mechanisms. I do the other one until it gets to extreme.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this because I know it can be really hard.

Creating a consistent schedule as to what you eat and how much and what to do afterwards instead of using your current coping skills. Usually having a dietitian on your support team including a therapist will help tons. You can develop new coping skills and start a healthier life. But it's hard to do on your own. So I'm glad your here speaking about it and reaching for help and I hope you continue to search for help for yourself because you are worth it.

I still struggle, so I know this isn't going to be the 'best' or most helpful advice but I wanted you to know you are not alone and have not failed by any means. You're on a journey with ebbs and flows. Try to be nice to yourself, because you deserve someone that will be nice to you.

Best wishes!!

 

[lux.]

Thanks to both of you. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I know keeping on a schedule is important. I got totally off my sleep schedule and started staying up really late and sleeping in and then I didn't know when to eat because I didn't know how long I'd be awake. I have a meal plan and try to eat 5 times a day, but at night I always snack to dull the anxiety. I also eat when I wake up in the middle of the night.

I'm also worried because I go to Overeaters Anonymous and my sponsor is going to be mad at me. And my therapist might start to insist that I go into a day program. But I finally found the candy I was looking for last night and ate a ton of it and it was totally not worth it. So I'm hoping I'll be more resolute in my efforts to abstain tonight. Plus I hopefully won't be getting home til bedtime, unless my friend cancels on me.

 

[heartists]

Hi, Yes, I also struggle with an eating disorder. Have had an ED since childhood. Once was BED, went into bulimia which eventually turned into anorexia and now bulimia again but I'm better than I've ever been because I went to treatment and worked with a therapist who did EMDR and we focused on trauma.
I'm not sure OA is a good outlet for people with ED and trauma. I know some people from ED treatment that had bad experiences from OA.
Basically the trauma is what has to be dealt with and it will help you understand the ED..

I also deal with the nighttime anxiety. It seems to stem from having my mind wander to upsetting crap that I haven't dealt with and then my brain latches onto the idea to eat to cope with it except on a surface level I don't realize that's what's happening.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I agree with what the others have noted between the relationship between EDs and trauma, and the difficulty in healing from an eating disorder while still doing trauma work. Regarding OA, I know all groups have a different character and am wondering since you noted you were "afraid" of your sponsor being angry with you, that perhaps you could try another OA meeting, another sponsor??? Just a vibe I picked up from what you wrote. If I'm off base, please disregard. Also, have you checked to see if you have Eating Disorders Anon meetings in your area? That is a very gentle 12-step group for eating disorders. There is also Anorexics and Bulimics Anon. Take a look on the internet and see what you can find, and maybe try some different meetings just to see. Hoping the best for you. I understand the struggle, but hang in there one day at a time!! :) VB

 

[lux.]

Thanks, everyone.

@VioletButterfly There aren't any EDA meetings in my area, and there's only one ABA meeting and it takes place when I have to work.

My sponsor wasn't actually mad. She just said--and another OAer said this, too--that it's really hard to give up the food when you're not even a year sober from drugs and alcohol. It's a lot to give up at once and I've only been sober 7 months.

@heartists I know the OA program goes against the ED treatment way of doing things, but OA has worked better for me than the typical ED way. Giving up sugar and flour completely works better for me. I've tried just having one serving of sweets and I just can't do moderation. If I have a box of cookies in my apartment, I'll eat it within 24 hours.

Thanks for your responses!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you for sharing; I'm actually combining behaviors too so maybe that's why I keep stumbling. Also, BTW, I have a friend I met in EDA and she now attends an OA meeting and has a sponsor. She's having great success with OA. I wish you the best and hope you have a similar outcome. It works if you work it, right?! :) VB

 

[Megflower]

I am struggling a bit at the moment, I was anorexic on and off for years then I began binging as a coping mechanism but I can't handle the feelings of guilt, disgust,and shame so then I purge in some form or another.
I find it so confusing that even tho we know its not healthy it soooooo hard to stop:-( really wish I knew what to say to help, but I can't even get myself back on the right track at the moment. Guess I just wanted to say I kind of understand and really hope you find a way to come through this even stronger.

 

[CheeryFetchling]

Hugs to you all. It's tricky to pick apart where one thing ends and another begins, and it's all extra pressure. Don't feel a failure because you have a bad day. If you had a bad back, for instance, you wouldn't feel you had failed if you were in pain (I have a bad back and I'm not nearly so hard on myself over those symptoms).

It sounds like most of you in this thread are going through more all at once than most will ever have to face. I know it's hard to stay strong, but don't feel like you are alone. Just because a lot of people wouldn't understand what you're going through it doesn't make you wrong or your experience any less valid. Count up all the little victories and do your best to move on from any setbacks.