Struggling with decision to continue therapy after involuntary commitment...

[Sideways]

So, part of you wanted to still go through with suicide. She made the right call then.

Remember that part of you also wanted her to intervene. That’s why you reached out. That’s the part of you that wants to get better. It’s great that you have that part.

This isn’t about your civil liberties. You called for help. They helped. They kept you alive, which you were partly still hoping you weren’t going to do on your own. You were free to not call.

From everything you’ve written, your T did an excellent job in an impossible situation. For her, letting you kill yourself is not an option.

Like @Justmehere said, be mad that your illness has made you this sick. Be mad that hospital psych wards are worse than prisons. But your T? Did everything right.

It sounds a bit like you don’t quite realise how unwell you’ve been. You realise that making an attempt to kill yourself is about as severe as mental illness gets, right? Certainly there were plenty of times where I was suicidal and literally had no concept that that was weird, let alone really acutely unwell...

 

[Briellewannabe]

(everything that you said)

Thank you for your reply. You bring up a lot of good, and some harsh, points. I don't have the answers to your questions. I feel like I'm getting more and more confused by all this the more I talk about it. I really just want it all to stop and to not deal with it. Maybe I want a severed relationship with my therapist because it's once less person to have to worry about. I don't mean that to sound dramatic, but I feel so done, and the hospital didn't do anything to help, if anything, it just pushed me further down the dark path. I understand my therapist is not responsible for all that. My anger is shifting today... I'm not so mad at her at the moment, though I'm still very hurt. My anger is shifting inward... for trusting someone, and even if from an objective point of view she didn't "betray" that trust, it still hurts and it still feels like she did.

(everything that you said)

I don't think me being suicidal sounds bad... I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 5 and attempted (in very kid-like ways) to end my life numerous times. It's normal to me, it's all I've known. It feels like everyone else feels that way all the time as well, they just hide it better. I truly don't understand how someone doesn't want to die if they could. That world seems like a lie. So maybe I don't understand how "sick" I am, and thus maybe it's hard for me to truly understand my therapist's decision beyond it's what policies required of her.

Just so everyone knows, I'm "safe" and have no plans. I'm just upset, hurt, and want to be gone.

 

[joeylittle]

they said it was too late to get out of it, that I was already placed in the 51/50 because I took medication. I never even talked to the ER doctor, it was only nurses checking my vitals and taking blood... it was already decided I was going to the psych ward

The decision had already been made without any input or evaluation of a doctor.

I just wanted to address these - in the US, this is how it works. If someone is reported for a welfare check as having initiated any kind of suicidal action, the follow through goes all the way to the hospital. It doesn’t matter if you thought you were in control of what you were doing, or not.

I understand so much of what you are saying. Suicidal thinking has been a part of my life for a very long time. I’m generally able to manage it, but it can get bad.

I’m sorry the hospital was a rough and bad experience.

I think there is a lot here for you to talk with your therapist about, whether you end up staying with her or not. You were in need of intervention, and you are the person who made the intervention happen. I know that it doesn’t look like that to you - but all of your actions did point towards asking to be stopped.

Learning how to talk about your suicidal thoughts in ways that both you and your therapist are comfortable with (whether this person or a new one) - that’s an important part of building the therapeutic alliance. And it can be done. The important thing right now, I think, is to see what you need to do in order to stabilize. You also need to think about how to get support sooner, when you are heading downhill.

I really am sorry you are struggling. Chronic suicidality is a hard thing to manage. Coming here and posting about your experience is a great way to try and work through what happened. Good job for taking it on, seriously.

 

[Muted]

@Briellewannabe maybe you just need to be mad and feel your anger and hurt and frustration. Sometimes we need to accept how we feel and experience things before we can move past them. We get so accustomed to pushing past negative feelings that aren’t comfortable.

I truly think if you can work it through WITH your t, that it’s going to be a turning point for you! If your t can make a call like that, then she can deal with your feelings about it and hopefully be helpful in working through it with you. Best of luck.

 

[Briellewannabe]

You guys are right... this is on me. I don't know why I reached out to my therapist... I think partly it's because it felt like that's what I'm supposed to do (I grew up in a really controlling house, where obedience was key. I think just my therapist telling me to call her when it was rough felt to me like I was obligated to do so, even if I didn't want to). I wish I hadn't. I really do. I hate myself for it. I always seem to make decisions that someone put me into a bad environment where people hurt me. I swear I have it written on my face, "you can do anything to me." :/

Learning how to talk about your suicidal thoughts in ways that both you and your therapist are comfortable with (whether this person or a new one) - that’s an important part of building the therapeutic alliance

I thought we already had that sort of therapeutic alliance, where I could (and did) talk about my suicidal thoughts with my therapist being comfortable. I'd been a lot more honest with her since April, sharing way more than I thought I would, but she handled it like a pro and though sometimes it was a little difficult for her (if she thought things were really bad), she would check up on me between sessions and that would be that. Whether I go back to her, see someone else, or stop therapy altogether, I won't have that relationship again.

 

[Justmehere]

I really just want it all to stop and to not deal with it. Maybe I want a severed relationship with my therapist because it's once less person to have to worry about. I don't mean that to sound dramatic, but I feel so done, and the hospital didn't do anything to help, if anything, it just pushed me further down the dark path

It doesn’t sound dramatic to me at all. I’ve pushed people away too when I was grappling with suicidal thoughts, thinking it would be easier for them. It’s a distorted way of looking at it, and it’s part of the depression itself to think that it’s going to be easier on others if we isolate.

Try to not turn the anger inward. You did the right thing to trust your therapist and reach out.

What the psychiatrist alone said to you in the hospital is ridiculous. That should not have happened.

I really really deeply struggle to trust the mental health profession as a whole because some elements of it handle suicidality and other things pretty badly. But there are some good folks in the profession. There are good therapies and treatments.

Really good therapists won’t always agree with us and our own assessments about ourselves and what we need. That’s a good thing. It’s part of their job and role to challenge the dark thoughts and challenge the “it is time to give up” messages that come with this battle.

You had a lot more going on than just suicidal thoughts - and your therapist has a solid track record of handling suicidal thoughts well.

The difference this time was that you were pushing her away and taking actual steps to end your life. The problem isn’t that you trusted her or that you were in a really bad spot.

The problem is that you were losing the battle to live and stay alive, and a hospital that should have provided compassionate support and actual HELP, instead harmed beyond what anyone should have expected.

Whether I go back to her, see someone else, or stop therapy altogether, I won't have that relationship again.

You actually don’t know if you can have that solid therapeutic alliance again if you don’t ever go back.

Some of the greatest work I have done in therapy that has helped not only the therapeutic alliance, but my life outside of therapy, have been the times I have worked through a loss of trust. When I didn’t see a way forward but went back to a therapist who had a good track record in the past and working to through. It has led to healing I didn’t expect about the original issues I was going to therapy for in the first place.

I hope that when you are ready, you’ll try again. But most of all, I hope you don’t blame you for taking the good steps of trusting a good therapist and reaching out for help when things were desperate. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree. It wasn’t so much the sharing of your struggles, but the fact that you were inches from jumping off a building followed by taking pills. Your thoughts didn’t get you into that situation, but your actions did.