DiamondBug
Bronze Member
This is hard for me to talk about, but I feel like I have to. I have I suppose you could say I've got some issues around sex from the trauma I've had. I feel like I have a really high sex drive, so I do love sex and playing with myself. I've got a boyfriend of almost 5 years and he's the only person I've done anything with consensually. My boyfriend and I have sex a normal amount I'd say and it's not like I don't enjoy it, just sometimes I don't feel that I'm fully there in the moment, even though I really want to be. This may sound really weird but I find it really really hard to open my eyes during sex, like to the point as soon as I close them I can't open again. I use touch when I've got my eyes closed, so I can tell what he's going to do, which is the exact some thing I did when I was being attacked. I assume closing my eyes is related to the fact I had my whole face covered when I was attacked, so I saw absolutely nothing. I just get to the point where I'm literally scared to open my eyes, literally for no reason, because I know it's my boyfriend. I just get really scared of intimacy. Like last night we were having sex (I had my eyes closed) and we started kissing passionately and it was so hot, but doing that really scared me. It's not like I don't trust him because I really do, I know he isn't capable of doing to me what they did to me. I just get this overwhelming panic sometimes. It makes me really unhappy because I couldn't tell my boyfriend about these feelings because he'd think I wasn't enjoying it. I don't know whether it's normal to struggle like this. I don't know why I keep reliving this horrible situation, when I'm trying to feel love, it's making me really depressed. I don't know why I put myself through it. I don't want to feel this, I want to feel love all the time not love with occasional terror.
