Struggling With Most Things

[stillpondering]

My partner and I both have PTSD, my partners is seemingly getting better, but mine is getting worse. I try to hide it as best as I can, but even though I was seemingly doing ok to everyone else i feel like i keep slipping away and Im not really sure how to move on from here besides the 'one-way' ticket. Ive tried psychologists, councellors, hospital, reducing my uni load to one course, no work and ultimately no income. and up until tonight i was coping with most aspects by smoking cigarettes. I am usually in bed asleep a few hours ago, but im up wide awake and all i keep thinking about is things i shouldn't. I guess I'm just wondering what i can do now if anyone can help

 

[Friday]

Yesterday I was reaping the whirlwind. Today I'm a little bit better. But overall I'm still a complete disaster right now.

It's frustrating.

I know I can be better, I know I have been better. But right now? :banghead:
In a bad moment like yesterday, I can't even remember what makes me feel better in a tight spot, except for the things I don't want to do. (I'm obstinate. I never want to do the things I know will make me feel better).

For me, in a bad spot, it's back to basics.

Sleep (might have to wait until I'm too exhausted to do otherwise if I'm too spun up). Eat (even if I'm not hungry and don't want to) Shower (washing off the scent of fear and rage helps pull me out of that cycle). Breathe (I miss smoking for that, honestly, because one actually does have to regulate breathing in order to take a drag). Music (Music helps focus me and my mood. I know this isn't a basic for everyone but it is for me, and emotional monitoring and regulation is something I have to work at.). Movement (either exercise or stillness, depending on what's needed, and also a 3rd area I call fine precision). Distract (Stay in the moment, instead of falling down the rabbit hole in my mind, whether that's on here, movies, books, talking, etc.)

When I'm in less of a bad spot, I can start putting my life back together. From doing just 1 useful thing here and there, to just 1 thing a day, to making plans, fulfilling them, and elbowing balance back into my life where I've got basics, and work, and people, and I'm doing something fun every day (this is a must for me, at least 1 fun thing, every day, or I start to self destruct). There's others. Other things that are in my life when I'm doing outstanding. But I can't even go there in my mind right now, because I can't process them. I've been in survival mode for too long.

First surface. Then tread water. Then swim.

 

[Pencil]

The one thing that really, really keeps me sane and going is Morning Pages (Julia Cameron). If I don't do it, I go on a downward spiral. It sounds inane, but it is highly effective, and it is gathering a 'following' even in the business world. If you're not familiar with it, just google it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I've been listening to guided relaxation and committing to work harder in therapy, increasing visits to twice a week. Sometimes I fall apart, but it's never so far that I feel hopeless. Just keep my gaze forward.

 

[stillpondering]

First surface. Then tread water. Then swim.

honestly I think I'm still trying to swim up. it feels like there are moments when I am near the surface, then something or many things drag me back down and because of that I drop back a few things to avoid myself from slowing my ascent. I guess I'm still trying to figgure out how to float.

 

[Go Hungry]

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you. I'm terribly afraid of the future and the only reason I haven't done the work yet is because of my parents and the fact that I hate pain. :p I try to make jokes about it, but I mean that truly. Vanity requires that I live, so I do. But to keep control, I have to have something to occupy my mind. Either a game or the internet or sometimes a movie can do it.

I really wish I could surface too...