Struggling With Partner, Constant Accusations

[Justmehere]

I believe I have set boundaries, though I think it is a challenge right now because he knows if he does not accept them he has to leave.

Stick to this. Otherwise, you are setting it up to fail. I know this is really hard to stick to this and hold this kind of boundary, but do all you can to stick to it so that he knows you mean it when you communicate a boundary.

I remember someone telling me no, and not giving into my fears that I needed to check what they were doing to be sure they were not hurting me. It was painful, and it was really good when they said, "enough" and stuck to it.

I already had him move all of his stuff out of my house, because I told him he had gone too far and I could no longer tolerate the jealousy and controlling behavior.

Good! Keep doing more of this.

If you stay in the relationship and continue to hold good boundaries, I think you will know soon if the relationship is worth it. Either he will get the message and do what it takes to change and treat you with greater respect, or he won't and you will know more clearly that it is time to walk away.

 

[gnarwhal]

I basically moved the rest of his belongings out of my house today. He will berate me and berate me and then when I tell him I can't do this anymore and he realizes he's gone too far he suddenly becomes nice and accommodating and tries to play it off like it's my fault and I'm not "allowing" him to treat me right. Thanks for the encouragement... I guess this is what I needed to reinforce my belief that this is totally unacceptable. Very difficult situation, I think I need to take a very, very long (or possibly indefinite) break from dating.

 

[Justmehere]

he realizes he's gone too far he suddenly becomes nice and accommodating

This is normal...

tries to play it off like it's my fault and I'm not "allowing" him to treat me right.

This is crazymaking and another form of abusiveness by trying to manipulate the situation and evade any responsibility for his actions...

You are doing the right things. I'm impressed by your strength. Good work and keep reaching out for any support you need. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

I basically moved the rest of his belongings out of my house today.

Good for you. It took me about 15 years to leave my narcissistic ex (not saying your guy is, but it could be) for good. Something I'm not proud of, and feel a great deal of embarassment/shame about. The maladaptive coping strategies I developed during that time (in leiu of just leaving him) are now causing problems in my new relationship, and have significantly altered the way I view myself, others and relationships. It's an uphill battle to change those thought/behaviour patterns now.

Whatever you do please continue to see your friends and family.

Yep, I agree wholeheartedly with this one. Once you stop talking to your support network and instead start keeping your partner's behaviour secret, then you remove that 'reality check' each time your partner engages in a new (and often unacceptable) behaviour. Without that feedback, after a while it's hard to know which way is up.

I agree with the other posters here - the behaviour you've described kinda sounds like some serious mindf***ing. With therapy he might improve, but as the others say, it's probably unlikely that significant change will happen in the short term.

Best of luck to you. I won't tell you to walk away - that's your decision and yours alone. But I will tell you that it's a helluva lot easier to leave a situation such as this when you're only 7 months in, than it is after being together for years.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I guess this is what I needed to reinforce my belief that this is totally unacceptable.

Whew... you saved me the "sometimes when your sufferer is acting like a jerk, it is because he is a jerk who just happens to have PTSD" speech. His behavior seems way beyond the acceptable limit, and good for you for not excusing it because he happens to have PTSD.

 

[sun seeker]

tries to play it off like it's my fault and I'm not "allowing" him to treat me right

This and some other things you've said, like the extreme jealousy and irrational accusations, are not symptoms of PTSD. We can't diagnose here, but there are some red flags that suggest narcissism, and if that's the case, the best you can do is get out now. A person with PTSD who is actively working on themselves has some hope for improvement, though it isn't an easy road. But a narcissist doesn't change because he doesn't see a reason to. Whatever mess he gets himself into will always be someone else's fault. It's a horribly destructive, crazy-making downward spiral.

It sounds like you are ready to make some hard decisions to take care of yourself. Good for you. It's a hard place to be and you are showing a lot of courage.

 

[gnarwhal]

Thanks everyone. I kicked him out. Unfortunately I think he took a key to my house, so now I have to change all of my locks, but I am sure it will be well worth it. I am pretty sad about it, but I am sure I will thank myself later.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Well done!

 

[gnarwhal]

Hahaha. I already live in the mountains... in Alaska... I am running out of places to run :ninja:

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I would change the locks. To be honest. He sounds psychotic. Those things of which he accuses you of don't seem normal.
So if he really believes you tried to do those things he might be dangerous: I don't know you or him... but that is what it sounds like to me.

 

[gnarwhal]

I'm totally changing my locks tomorrow. Told all my friends, therapist. Blocked his number. I feel a lot better already. I'm going to spend all the time I would have spent on dating... in therapy, since I will need plenty of it after this.

 

[theotherside]

The first thing i did was change my locks :) so happy for you.
Smart woman
I know its hard
Hang in there and I wish you the best