Struggling With Pre-session Anxiety

[mrsmegan]

I'm really having a tough time in advance of my session tomorrow....I have been working really, really hard on my sexual abuse (ugh, I even have a hard time typing that out) we have been going slow and I have been telling him what happened piece by piece. There is really only one thing left - and in our session Tuesday, I told him I wanted to get it out on Friday (when we meet for 2 hours) and was ready to have it all out there.

Now my brain is just freaking out and doing the following:

1. Let's relapse on self-harm! Cause if you do, then you won't have to talk about it!
2. Let's replay the Greatest Hits of ways that T has pissed you off! Then you can convince yourself to not trust him!
3. Let's start getting all triggered and quasi-dissociative! You can have a hard time focusing, feeling your eyes start to cross/close, lose some fine motor function in your hands so you have a really hard time typing/working!

I really do want to get this done and over with - I know I am in control and I get to choose the pace we go at and what I say and don't say - but this isn't going to get any better whether I do it on Friday or wait....I want to be brave and do it, even if I do it really scared and cry the whole time.

I could just use some encouragement. Thank you...

 

[Friday]

No matter how hard this is, you've done harder things before, and come out the other side. You will come out the other side on this one, too.

And right now? 123 you're catching yourself :D Good on! Whether you tell him tomorrow or not, every trick your brain is throwing at you? You're catching. That's huge. And really powerful. And gives you mad tools to use :sneaky: So you can hit each one -and others- as they come up. Keep it up. Hard f*cking work. And you are still kicking ass.

 

[Silver.]

Can you write down what you want to say and just have him read it, would that make it easier for you?
*sending you encouragement*

 

[mrsmegan]

@Friday Thank you - that is really, really helpful. I appreciate your encouragement.

@Silver. I normally love this suggestion as it can be so helpful, but the thought of having those words written out seems even worse....

 

[watundah]

You are obviously brave, intelligent and very self aware. There is no courage without fear, right?

 

[Panda Bear]

Oh my! You so have is! If you can recognize all those things, you're already half way there to having to talk.

I can totally relate! Trust me...I've done this(talked about my sexual abuse) and oh lord....it was HARD! And ive had all those same thoughts and feelings. You'll get there and it will be tough, but you'll be so freaking awesome when you're done!

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Lots of respect for you! I love how you summed up the way your mind is throwing out these distortions. Like @Friday said, you're catching them and throwing them back.

I can related to that feeling like, oh no, this part is just too bad, too heavy, too disgusting or too unbelievable to say our loud or even write it down. But you've already survived way worse and done such hard work. I'm inspired by you.

Good luck tomorrow, whether you get through it or not, we're proud of you. Gentle hugs if you accept (chocolate bar if not.)

 

[mrsmegan]

@watundah thank you - not sure if you can relate, it is hard to accept the label of "brave" for myself, even though I would give it to anyone else here - but I will try to let that sink in

@Panda Bear thank you - it is so helpful to know I am not alone in my feelings

@Lola Nocheprieta thank you - yes, it is the overwhelming sense of everything being "too x" - and there are so many x's to fill in. Thanks for the hugs - I will accept the chocolate too :)

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Too late to add anything pre-session, but overall, how are you today?

I don't know what time your session is at or what time it is for you now. I do want you to know that pretty much everything you described is me. So I hear you loud and clear.

Be gentle to yourself today. You've accomplished a huge victory and many steps forward even if you aren't ready yet to own it. We'll own it for now and throw it at you when you're up to it.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thank you all so much. My session went about as well as I could ask for. It was really, really, really hard - hard to get words out - but T was right there, held my hand, and at some point took over (with my permission) and asked questions to help get the rest out. I did a really good job staying present, but totally got lost at the end. Had to stay 20 mins late to get myself present again. But really - I am proud of myself and completely wiped and exhausted.

T told me to buy flowers for myself, which I will do.

Thank you again for all of your encouragement,

 

[Deleted member 34328]

YAY YOU! Huge hugs (if you accept) :hug:

Soooooo proud of you. What an encouragement to so many of us

 

[NightSky]

Way to go @mrsmegan :tup:
I'm hoping you're going to be extra kind to yourself now during the vulnerability hangover phase. Such good work you're doing.