Sufferer Struggling With Ptsd Rape

[Sushi2006]

Hi. I was raped 13 years ago on my way home from work. I had a couple of years counselling at the time but I wasn't very good at it and didn't really talk, I wanted to pretend I was fine. I moved out of London a couple of years after and made new friends, never told them and they accepted there were things I didn't like doing so enabled my avoidance to continue. Last year there was a big trigger and I got worse and told a couple of friends. I was then diagnosed with PTSD and started being more open with friends. I did exposure therapy and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd been drinking and smoking too much before and I stopped all that. Last couple of weeks I've been really stressed with one thing and another and the nightmares and flashbacks have come back. There's no trigger event other than stress. I'm feeling weak again. Want to know if this will ever fully go away or something I have to live with forever.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I've read a lot of scholarly articles on PTSD and to be honest, they never state a thing about a 'cure'. With new imaging techniques and more research being done with non traditional therapies (somatic energy work, Reiki, medical marijuana for example), there are more tools in our tool kits. In my case, my therapist, psychiatrist and primary care doc focus on the symptoms that get in the way of me living a full life. Depression, anxiety, nightmares, dissociation, phobias, self injury. The meds I take make it possible to work a little which helps my sense of worth. The therapy I have helps with my compulsions and anxiety, Reiki reduces my anxiety and makes me feel at peace, yoga and meditation reduce my fear and teach me to live in the moment. I've had every negative coping mechanism known to mankind but I have relearned positive ones. I'm not 100% and if the right trigger passes before me, I'm right back at the beginning.

I believe with the right helpers you can feel much better. This forum is a fountainhead of info and support. I couldn't talk about the details of my trauma my whole life but being a part of this forum has given me the courage to try. A sense of humor helps too.

 

[Friday]

Want to know if this will ever fully go away or something I have to live with forever.

It's not that black & white. Symptoms can go away, in fact the whole point of treatment is to get symptoms down to the point you are no longer diagnoseable. But PTSD is lifelong and cyclic. So symptoms can, yes, come back.

Does that mean they'll be full force, darkest days, again? Nope.
Does that mean they'll be more manageable if they do come back? Nope.

Stress, stressors, new trauma, loss of coping mechanisms... They can all bring us back to being symptomatic. How symptomatic? That all depends. I've had a bad weekend in the middle of 10 near-symptom-free years that just lifted, and I've had a bad weekend stretch into weeks & months. ((What was different? I had some kickass coping mechanisms that acted as a safetynet the first weekend and bounced me right back up to normal, and didn't have them the second. In fact, Murphey's Law, everything that could go wrong did: no coping mechanisms, new trauma, huge stressors... And all of that is in retrospect. Cause I knew jack shit about PTSD both times.))

Upside: In my experience not only do symptoms not come back randomly (there's always stressors or triggers), but when my coping mechanisms are on purpose? I can thwack them down and stop a bad cycle from kicking off. Learning to manage PTSD on purpose? Has been life altering. It's not random, and there are a helluva lot of things I can do. That's power and control unlike anything I've never known. Not like I can tell my pancreas to produce insulin on command to moderate diabetic symptoms, but I sure as hell can train my brain into doing tricks; like calming down faster. It's pretty badass, actually.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome, Sushi2006! I'm sorry that you were traumatized, and that you are still suffering. My situation is similar to yours in that I tried to 'stuff' my trauma, and reached out once. It got better for a short time, and then, when under more stress, the nightmares and flashbacks started and worsened-interfering with my life, big time..

Last year there was a big trigger and I got worse and told a couple of friends. I was then diagnosed with PTSD and started being more open with friends.

You are doing what I know to to be the right things: keep reaching out for help and keep learning to connect to 'safe' people-who demonstrate utter respect for your boundaries, needs, and help you trust your senses and experiences.as your truth.

I did exposure therapy and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

"Exposure therapy is challenging. I hope that it helped. Although one would hope that it is an entire cure, it often is not. What I have found very helpful is letting life be my exposure therapy, and regularly seeing a therapist who helps me connect to the safety of the therapeutic relationship, then helps me feel my feelings-while giving breath to the related traumas, and then creating a new plan to move forward, until it is time to deal with a new trigger. Recovery for me is on-going. The support is useful to process the small triggers to empower me to handle the larger triggers, when they come my way.

Last couple of weeks I've been really stressed with one thing and another and the nightmares and flashbacks have come back.

My trauma had different 'layers'. Even while I was seeing therapists, the nightmares were a sign that I still hadn't 'got to the heart of the matter', and/or that there was 'still something else to heal or recover' that I hadn't yet got to. Those pesky nightmares are so disturbing, at least they were for me. They made me anxious to fall asleep, and they deprived me of the sleep to function during the day.

As solving the nightmares can be like detective work, just be willing to explore and investigate, and the solution will arise. (If you stuff them, the trauma can go deeper causing physical problems.) I can share how I solved a couple of mine. Of course your solutions will be unique to you.

• First layer problem: really believing that my dreams of being traumatized and raped were real.
• First layer solution: declare to myself that I was raped, and then sharing it with an Incest Survivors group. (The big step was breaking the silence.)

• Second layer problem: a particular face kept appearing in my dream. Eventually, asking to become aware of who it was.
• Second layer solution: one day I went to old family photos and discovered that the face that I was seeing was the face of my father, when I was three to four. (The big step was the willingness to see who the first abuser was."

• Third layer problem: the nightmares continued but with a new focus, I was being strangled.
• Third layer solution: discovering and declaring that I was strangled by my mother while my father raped me. This step didn't solve the problem. What brought me relief was something very practical. I realized that the dreams were showing me that I could breathe or express myself. So I studied speaking through 'Linklater Voice Technique' for two years. At some point, all the muscles that I tightened from being strangled relaxed, and I got a breath of deep air that I never knew possible.(The big step was to recover my natural and free ability to express myself.)

I can share two interesting nightmare explorations and solutions, that might aid you in moving into your own solution.

• Situation one: A co-worker/friend of mine was murdered while being on the job. I experienced bad nightmares for two years, that therapies didn't solve, even though we traced it to my childhood trauma, worked with it symbolically, etc.
• Solution one: At my wits end with insomnia, I practically looked at my friend's murder. She was held at gunpoint and shot. My related childhood trauma was being held at gunpoint by my father, with my mother, during a divorce dispute. I realized that my fear was around guns-I hadn't explored this solution yet. I thought that learning to shoot a gun may help stop my nightmares. (Once again, practically approaching/emboding what I needed to heal.) A friend, hearing my desire to take a handgun safety class, to create a new experience around guns, took the class with me. After the class, that layer of nightmares resolved; I had embodied the safety that I needed.

• Situation two: A few years ago, my apartment's plumbing was being re-done. During that time, a man entered my apartment, while I was naked in the bathtub-only 6 feet from the door. I went into such depression, nightmares and emotional collapse, that my therapist and psychiatrist didn't know what to do with me.
• Solution two: I tried a 'regular' self-defense class, but since it fully let me fight back, to the point of disabling my attacker, I was still locked in the 'freeze' part of the fight, flight, or freeze, cycle. Finally, I remembered I program that taught, and allowed (fully) fighting back (Model Mugging) while giving support at every step along the way. I took the class, and the nightmares have stopped; I had embodied the ability to defend myself.

I'm feeling weak again. Want to know if this will ever fully go away or something I have to live with forever.

I believe that you will find ways to get stronger. And, to be truthful, I don't know if it is something that will go away, or something that you will successfully learn to manage throughout your life. Everyone is different. Hope, new skills, and good support, are good tools to have.

As others have mentioned, entering stressful situations-like working, etc., cause a level of triggers where I need medication to help me, in addition to counseling.

My best to you!:):hug:

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Sorry to hear of your trauma x I'm a victim of rape too and the usual trend of my triggers and flashbacks are when I'm v v v stressed , not sure if that's the case for anyone else but I find I trigger more if I'm stressed x I hope you recieve lots of support and Answers x

 

[intothelight]

@Sushi2006. Welcome to the forum!

Your correlation between stress and symptoms is correct, and in my experience any stress, good or bad, can spike symptoms. However, it does get easier over time and with experience to manage it better. I hope you find some things here helpful.