Struggling

[BlueDream]

I have PTSD as a result of CSA.
I have been off all meds (except mj) for a year & half. I was on Xanax for over 10 years.
I am having a really hard time dealing with my job and my husband. It seems like lately I have ended up leaving my house to go find some peace and quiet. I have so much built up rage I don't know what to do!!
I saw a phycoligist for a while, but with all the Xanax it didn't do much good. Where do I start??

 

[KwanYingirl]

Welcome to the forum. You have kindred folks here. I guess what I would suggest to you is that the effects of CSA are complex and lifelong. It sounds like you have some intense symptoms right now and deserve treatment. You may feel better by building a support system of a Psychiatrist for possible meds and a trauma therapist to help you make sense of your symptoms and guide you to awareness and self care. And we are here to lend our support. I must say, I admire that you got off Xanax. I'm not even considering life without it!! Personally, I have been helped by practicing yoga and I get reiki because I have a giant mind-body disconnect.

 

[WillyKat]

Welcome! Coming here is a good place to start.

I suffered from CSA myself, and spent about ten years taking meds. I finally gave them up. I also have a wife that doesn't have the first clue about being supportive. You will find a great many sufferers here with a story similar to yours. So there's no need to be alone.

Research suggests that the combination of meds and therapy provide the best results. But we're all different.

About leaving the house to find peace. I can really relate to that. I need several daily doses of being alone. Even when I was little, I often went to the very back side of our little farm to be farther away from the abuser (neighbor) and farther away from all the bystanders in the family.

Again, welcome to the forum. You're not alone here. Tell us your story.

 

[BlueDream]

Thank you both for responding, it's nice to not feel alone.
I just got off the phone with my phycoligist and have an appt for the 22nd. I really hope it helps.

Kwan, the verdict is still out about the Xanax,

 

[BlueDream]

I'm not sure if I can handle not having them. I live in a state that test for mj when you are on a controlled substance, therefore I can't get them back and still smoke. MJ has helped most of my life. (43)
WillyKat, if you don't mind me asking, is it possible to heal yourself with an unsupportive spouse? I'm really trying to figure this one out for myself!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Exactly how unsupportive is he?

And why would you want to be with someone who doesn't support you?

So in 40 years when he gets cancer and it isn't discovered until stage 4, can you say to him, suck it up, buttercup, we all have our sad stories, I'm not supporting you one bit! Yeah, sounds callous, but that's essentially what he's doing to you if he can't support you.

 

[BlueDream]

Well it gets into a long story of who has the worst mental health issues...schophrinia is his issue. We have been together 12 years and have a 10 year old son.
He does try to support me the best he can, but sometimes his best is not good enough.

Btw he does work, I am speaking about emotional support.

 

[WillyKat]

You hit the problem right on the head. It is very difficult with an unsupportive spouse. She is changing, but its painfully slow. She also has issues of her own, but won't get help. From my perspective, I'd call it OCD with a heaping spoonful of post-abuse issues.

She is what a psychologist friend of mine would call a "closed" person. Change isn't in their worldview.

 

[BlueDream]

so as I was just pondering the single life,
I realized if I pushed him away, I only have one friend left.
She is quite a ptsd sufferer herself. (Probably why we are still friends) She is however wrapped pretty tight with the Christian church, and well I don't agree. I guess basically I feel like I can't share all of my thoughts with her.
That is a pretty lonely prospect of having no one....

 

[BlueDream]

I will no longer be stressed at my current job, I got fired today. It sucked, but I am releved I don't have to go back!!
Not quite sure what my next step will be. I think some fishing with my son is a good move.

 

[WillyKat]

Fishing sounds like an excellent next step.

 

[Matt1055]

Hey, Steph-

thanks for your posts.they say that one of the major problems with us vets is our inability to form any sort of lasting relationship with another human being. maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but in my experience its more truth than not! hahaha! :O_o:

sometimes, I feel like my teenager is better equipped to deal with life and I am! WTF!

in any event, I want your promise you will drag your ass into a va hospital prior to "swallowing a .45 cal pain pill". lots of people poo poo the va, and I have from time to time found the bureaucracy infuriating, but the doctors there are amazing.

hang in there.

Cal