Stuck in a dark place without a path forward

[joeylittle]

I had an appointment with the primary doc yesterday as well, and she disagreed and said I needed better meds for sleep and the sleep doc should have handled that, as they usually do, and seemed worthless. I keep telling the primary care doc, “I’m actively suicidal, I have a plan, I need help and I don’t think my mental health is being addressed well enough.” She said to get more sleep and it will be ok.

@Justmehere - I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now.

I know you had a very tough experience with meds the last time you went inpatient...but I think you should take yourself to the hospital.

Your primary care doc could (?)/should have admitting privileges - I know you know, it's always better to go in as an admit, rather than go to the ER.

I think you also know, she should have admitted you after you said that in your appointment yesterday.

I really identify with the problem you're having, specifically of being very good at managing symptoms on the surface, and then running into a real problem where everything below the surface is falling apart and it seems like no-one is hearing you say 'no, really, I'm in real trouble'.

I hear you saying that you're in real trouble. I know that's not as good as your doctors hearing it...but they don't have access to quite the full picture, the way we do here on the forum.

Please: go to the hospital. You deserve the support they can give you, right now.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry - these people are just screwing up right and left. You deserve better - but that doesn't mean death. I agree with @joeylittle - please, please get to the hospital. It may suck but you would be safe. Please, please go...

 

[Justmehere]

The last time I went to the ER they refused to do a psych eval. The suicide crisis line even called them to say I needed to be admitted. The local hospital relies on the same county agency that refuses to treat outpatient and I don’t know what the heck is going on there. I have tired all options to find out. They won’t give records.The ER told me to go to the walk in clinic and the walk in clinic told me to go to the ER.

7 hours later and a few trips between the two, and not being able to even get in the doors of either the walk in clinic or get a psych eval at the ER... I went directly to a free standing psych hospital for an intake and they sent me to the ER. I gave up and found my own way through that dark spiral.

And I think that’s just it. I have asked for help before, not been given any, and I’m still alive.... so I that I think it makes all my requests fall flat now even more. There is such an attitude about me that this is just another bad day and I’ll be just fine.

My therapist has said in the past that I present too calmly and too matter-of-fact. She said if I was actually flipping out then they would probably restrain me, traumatize me, and maybe admit me after calling the police. But she knows I won’t ever do that. Then she went on about how it will be a 2-3 day wait at the local ER to get an open bed inpatient anyhow.

Fine! That’s fine! Better than this!

She’s just not a fan of such interventions.

I actually texted my therapist yesterday, “I’m actively suicidal, I have a plan, I am doing (unsafe things), I have told two doctors, and no one is helping me. I am not ok. Can you please call me?”

Asking for help and getting new bs responses just made things worse yesterday. I’m scared to go to the hospital and get another bs response.

Stupidest thing? When I think of what might help, if someone would just talk to me and help me with a plan - and I don’t mean imaginary clone nonsense - but here is the plan to get better help and on top of things... that would just mean so much. But it won’t happen. Those resources don’t exist for me here.

I just don’t get it. I can not be more clear. I can’t sustain more dumb responses. I’m better off on my own, and that’s kind of bewildering and scary.

 

[Freida]

that is horrible!!! I am so sorry. It is just so wrong of them to treat you like this. Is here any chance of going to another town? Maybe you can get a better response there?

 

[Friday]

1. Emergency help right now... if your therapist won’t listen to you & the doctors send you away when you walk in ... the police will listen to you, and the doctors have to listen to them (unlike a volunteer at a crisis line, that they outrank & can ignore, hospitals have to obey police psych holds). Call 911, tell them you tried to kill yourself last night / OD’d but woke up this morning & still want to die. Triage & treatment in the ER is different if a patient walks in vs is BIBA or BIBP (brought in by ambulance, brought in by police).

2. A better plan... but takes awhile... Get an admit to a trauma program at your favorite psych hospital. It doesn’t even have to be in state. Anywhere that you want to go / has the most exciting program. And they usually require that you aren’t currently suicidal BUT they also usually work closely with a nearby hospital, can recommend that specific ER If you are suicidal. Or it’s really obvious, ie, the trauma ward is part of an existing hospital... rather than their own freestanding hospital.

By finding out the admit process? (Ie What you’d have to do to be admitted) ...That actually gives you a plan to follow through & accomplish.

 

[Justmehere]

I just found out I may have lost social security disability because I missed a hearing that I thought was rescheduled for today but wasn’t. This job did me in and it was supposed to prove I could work and it did the opposite, and now I’m losing disability. I think. I don’t know. Nothing made sense. I’ll be homeless in a few weeks if I lose disability. I was on a plan to slowly work my way off, not this. This is the worst of all options.

I’m sitting in my doctor’s office in tears.

 

[Friday]

I’ll be homeless in a few weeks if I lose disability.

Perfect time to be inpatient?

Don’t have to worry about covering bills, or facility location, etc... and part of discharging will be setting up housing & income?

And a few weeks gives you time to get your stuff in storage, and sort things out to your satisfaction, and get ready (like somewhere close for suicide prevention stuff, and then transferring to a trauma unit at a badass hospital)?

 

[Justmehere]

I lose disability, I lose insurance that could pay for out of state inpatient trauma treatment. My doc is writing a letter asking the hearing be rescheduled.

And yet, I am also thinking let’s get me inpatient now. Do it now.

My doc says she really doesn’t want me inpatient here, and that she thinks it wouldn’t help. She said it would traumatize me more, they would not keep me more than 3 days max, because there is a bed shortage. She says I present as too functional.

I stopped being able to ask for inpatient care after that. She is calling in abilify. She thinks that might be a quick stabilizing drug. She says it will be better than inpatient. How am I not being clear? I’m not ok. She says this is just another flare up of depression and it will pass like the orhers.

I really don’t think this is a great idea to keep trying new meds outpatient. I’ve lost the courage to ask for inpatient care or call 911 on myself... and yet I’m also considering driving to the ER from here.

My doc tried to reassure me I can still start school this winter or summer. I’m trying to get to Monday.

I kinda really want to be inpatient. Just reboot my life.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m seriously googling inpatient treatment places right now out of state.... as the referral specialist tells me my insurance said no to our of state care. Ok, people, I need options. More options. Not less. This is going the wrong direction.

I’m point blank asking the doc to get admitted. She said to go directly to the psych hospital that already said on the phone they won’t do an intake go to an ER.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m so pissed off.

 

[Justmehere]

I am thoroughly done with everyone.

 

[Friday]

3 different kinds of inpatient.

- There’s the sit on a bed for 3 days in the ER whilst a security guard watches you through a security camera suicide watch inpatient / admitted for observation.

- General Psych / most apt to be traumatizing, rather than helpful, to a PTSD person

- Specialized Trauma Units, that don’t generally do acute care (actively suicidal, active eating disorder, etc,), but 4/6/12 week programs focusing on specific types of trauma. Shepherd Pratt & River Oaks, for example, both focusing on childhood trauma.

Sounds like maybe this is where part of the mixup is happening? Going to specialized units when you need acute care, and acute care when you need specialized units? Or you’re thinking one, and your doctor is thinking the other?