Stuck in a dark place without a path forward

[Justmehere]

Cause of the depression? I don’t know. That’s part of my difficulty. I’m not sure the cause, and thus not the solution. Maybe it’s a crap load of triggers, dealing with GI issues and little sleep? But the physical stuff seems secondary.

Maybe it was the sudden loss of a friend and employee, and also dealing with someone else nearly dying and intervening to take action to help, only to have it handled badly back at the main office for the job, my vet being very concerned my dog has cancer and struggling to keep up with vet bills, and I guess most of all, working so hard and failing on so many fronts the past few years and getting nowhere on major life goals - and somehow this has come to a head the past few months. The past few months I pulled out all the stops. Took all the risks I could to get movement foward and I failed.

The depression has been there a few months. The dam burst. Not sure how to hold it back together again.

 

[Freida]

You said you didn't want to call 911 because you were afraid you would take off.
Can you ask the pharmacist to call for you? Then you have to stay put because he is doing the work?

 

[anthony]

Cause of the depression? I don’t know.

Nope... not as hard you think. You answered it, but you're skipping around things as though they don't matter when it comes to PTSD and the affect PTSD causes.

Mantra: You CAN NOT ignore anything in your life that negatively emotionally impacts you, having PTSD.

So let me summate, steer me if wrong anywhere:

1. A friend nearly died at work, who worked for you?
2. Another person also nearly died, which was then handled poorly after the fact in relation to employment administration?
3. Your dog has cancer and is going to die?
4. Feeling like a failure at your job for years of work towards a goal?
5. Failing to meet life goals? Like???

What failed recently from all this effort?

Let me just apologise now -- I don't read what goes on with people here most days now. So asking you to fill in blanks is because I don't know.

Maybe it’s a crap load of triggers, dealing with GI issues and little sleep?

I moved this lower... it seems less an issue, but curious. What is GI? And its issues?

And triggers? How so? Remembering what triggers are!

 

[Abstract]

The staff stuff sounds significant. And all the rest. Is there anything you can think of doing that would take a little pressure off of these?

 

[anthony]

Oh... if anything is private in nature, put it in a private diary and tell me if the case, to continue any discussion. Just putting the option there.

 

[anthony]

Oh... and its midday here for me, so you have my attention for about 8 hrs if needed. Least I can do for you considering what you do for this community giving your time. ?

 

[bellbird]

What is GI?

GI = gastrointestinal.

 

[Justmehere]

1. A friend nearly died at work, who worked for you?
2. Another person also nearly died, which was then handled poorly after the fact in relation to employment administration?
3. Your dog has cancer and is going to die?
4. Feeling like a failure at your job for years of work towards a goal?
5. Failing to meet life goals? Like???

What failed recently from all this effort?

The only thing off is that two weeks ago, my friend/employee did actually suddenly die. And then someone else, a stranger to me, a customer of sorts, did almost die due to a sudden medical emergency (but lived long enough for the paramedics to take them off to the ER breathing and alive.) and the dog is only likely to have cancer, we found a mass, dig has been sick, I can’t yet pay to have it tested and treated.

The failures? Complex to explain and stir me up a little too much. I can write this: I have been trying to go back to school and work through a disability related PASS grant. I didn’t prove to anyone that I could work, and I didn’t keep the PASS grant, and I didn’t get into school yet, and I’m struggling to keep a roof over my head financially. I basically ended up with Voc Rehab deciding I’m unemployable, disability deciding I’m employable, and my not successfully convincing a school or employer to either educate or employ me over the long haul. (More than stress cup filling temp work for a few weeks that even my doc says she couldn’t handle.)

Let me just apologise now -- I don't read what goes on with people here most days now. So asking you to fill in blanks is because I don't know.

No apologies needed. I haven’t shared most of this before anyhow, nor would I expect anyone to keep up if I did.

What is GI? And its issues?

Ah, I should have stated more clearly. Gastrointestinal. Vomiting randomly, not on purpose.

And triggers? How so?

Engaging with death, dying, crowded public spaces, and something said at work about me - that triggered me. Most other things were stressors. Even things like deciding to teach myself how to drive again - not a trigger, but a huge stressor. My stress cup is overrunning.

 

[anthony]

To answer then, why you are depressed:

My stress cup is overrunning.

That's exactly what happens when a PTSD sufferers cup overflows. People without PTSD commit suicide when their cup overflows too long, they see no end to the current situation. Very normal. But what you should know by now, is that what is present, is not what your future will be. Use your past to get through your present. You have felt suicidal before, yet it passed each time by you intervening, changing things, changing your perception, working onwards and beyond present feelings.

We often forget when things are all ok in our lives, just how shit certain moments had been, and that we get through them regardless.

Ok, you order worse to least affecting you, and add anything that you may be keeping secret that is actually bigger than any:

• Friend died suddenly.
• Acquaintance nearly died.
• Your dog is sick with suspected cancer, and you can't afford testing and treatment.
• Financially struggling to maintain a household.
• Employability status.

 

[Justmehere]

One of the things that has got me pausing on ending it all: one employee and the way he burst out in tears when he was told the other employee died. I told him we could ride the train to the funeral together. He’s a neighbor. Someone will probably give him a ride, which I can’t do. So it’s a fleeting pause. A friend called tonight about a birthday event for someone else, and said I sounded like crap. Ah lovely. I said I was tired. (True.)

You have felt suicidal before, yet it passed each time by you intervening, changing things, changing your perception, working onwards and beyond present feelings.

I guess this partly scares me? I keep having the thought “not this again” and I’m filled with dread. I have white knuckled holding on to living through hell more than a few times. This go around? Things are bad, and likely to get much worse, but not yet at the level of the worst that I have been through. It could get there... fast... but so far, I’ve been through worse and got through.

Momentary whiney moment: I’ve worked so damn hard for so long, I want it to get easier. When does it get easier?! It started to get easier.

I guess I also feel out of new things to learn to get through too. Not that it’s about new coping tools, but the mindset I have now isn’t working.

 

[anthony]

I keep having the thought “not this again” and I’m filled with dread. I have white knuckled holding on to living through hell more than a few times. This go around? Things are bad, and likely to get much worse, but not yet at the level of the worst that I have been through. It could get there... fast... but so far, I’ve been through worse and got through.

So you've been worse, and yet you recovered. So you have that. Can you get worse and recover? Time will tell.

Ok... so what can you do to remove stressors from your life right now? Coming back to your dog for a moment, you said you are taking it elsewhere, as it can be better looked after. Will this help you or hinder you? That was one thing on your list... but certainly not the worst.

What can you limit from getting worse for you / remove / do differently to change the outcome?

Momentary whiney moment: I’ve worked so damn hard for so long, I want it to get easier. When does it get easier?! It started to get easier.

From my experience, life itself does not get easier. Handling PTSD can... but then at times it can also take you right back to feeling like you're at square one. Life is a merry-go-round of good, bad and everything in-between.

 

[Abstract]

Hope breaking that down helped. Its obvious from it that you are pretty triggered and in overload at present. Dont act on something or make life judgements on something through those eyes. And there is a lot of what you describe that you can change in the future. Forget future for the moment and rather concentrate on getting back a bit of equilibrium.