Here_Still
New Here
So it has been a while since I have posted. In this time a lot has occurred, like we all don't feel this. For the most part I have been in a good state, almost normal, but with a few triggers...multiple trailer park thugs with pit bulls on chains, other roughians and above all dealing with bureaucrats. This last group is the worst as they tend to sit on their asses and either create a sound and complete stop to progress or do not do anything at all.
I have been working so hard to, no I have been using all of my tools to get the parties supporting me to sway the bureaucrats to approve of funding for me to attend a national PTSD program. My team is amazing, they work with me at that level to help me stay on the surface so I can breath, they should be recognized for this. Yet getting these others to do their job so I can go to the program is another story.
I got the word yesterday that the program has ok'd me to attend, and then my team managed to get the desk riders to sign off on things. I will ship out in three to four weeks if all goes as planned.
Contemplating all this, a huge amount of anxiety is coming up. My program is a residency program, I am good with that...but have apprehensions of what it will be like. My main anxiety is that when i go i switch back on in my game mode as I have in the past on deployments, and perform at that level and don't manage to relax enough to open up and that. It is my fall back mode, you know, when the shit hits, that's where i go observant, analytical, supporting my crew, but not open, feeling are off. Or my secondary mode where I play along with it enough to go through it but provide what will be expected to still stay gray.
Thirdly, I get closed up and put on my game face when I think about having to open up about all of the things I have done, sure the times I managed through, but the possibility of having to bring up the times I could have save lives or prevented bad things. I don't want to reveal these.
Lastly, I have a serious thing about hospital pajamas, I can't wear them, no. Never. If while I am an early intake, and they require me to relinquish my kit and take the pjs I won't. I had a bunch of jundies who had grabbed me one night when in the Gulf and wanted me to put on a dish dash. no way, they were going to slaught me. I can't wear gowns or pjs since.
I get serious bouts of anxiety over these things. Any of you folks can help me make sense here would be a life saver.
I have been working so hard to, no I have been using all of my tools to get the parties supporting me to sway the bureaucrats to approve of funding for me to attend a national PTSD program. My team is amazing, they work with me at that level to help me stay on the surface so I can breath, they should be recognized for this. Yet getting these others to do their job so I can go to the program is another story.
I got the word yesterday that the program has ok'd me to attend, and then my team managed to get the desk riders to sign off on things. I will ship out in three to four weeks if all goes as planned.
Contemplating all this, a huge amount of anxiety is coming up. My program is a residency program, I am good with that...but have apprehensions of what it will be like. My main anxiety is that when i go i switch back on in my game mode as I have in the past on deployments, and perform at that level and don't manage to relax enough to open up and that. It is my fall back mode, you know, when the shit hits, that's where i go observant, analytical, supporting my crew, but not open, feeling are off. Or my secondary mode where I play along with it enough to go through it but provide what will be expected to still stay gray.
Thirdly, I get closed up and put on my game face when I think about having to open up about all of the things I have done, sure the times I managed through, but the possibility of having to bring up the times I could have save lives or prevented bad things. I don't want to reveal these.
Lastly, I have a serious thing about hospital pajamas, I can't wear them, no. Never. If while I am an early intake, and they require me to relinquish my kit and take the pjs I won't. I had a bunch of jundies who had grabbed me one night when in the Gulf and wanted me to put on a dish dash. no way, they were going to slaught me. I can't wear gowns or pjs since.
I get serious bouts of anxiety over these things. Any of you folks can help me make sense here would be a life saver.
