Sudden Break Ups

[anthony]

I can only guess that he wants to stay connected in case he cannot find happiness otherwise.

That is what I did, yes. I didn't really understand why I tried to achieve that, but I did exactly the same. Reading your words about his actions are near identical to what I've done in my past due to PTSD.

he thinks he will solve all this with running, Yoga, a new bed for his aching back and a new girlfriend.

I thought the same... and until I learnt better, nobody could tell me different. PTSD is a real learning curve, and it can take years, decades even, before a sufferer chooses to actively seek a better life for themselves and those in their life, by learning and understanding what is really wrong with them. There is a whole lot of self-analysis and self-honesty involved, at it sucks to be the sufferer during it, especially when you realise all the shit and trail of destruction you've caused in your past, getting to what you do when you work that out for yourself.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

I'm sorry you struggled for so many years, Anthony, and you have no idea how helpful it is to understand a bit from the other side. My heart aches for him.

We sat together and converted our separation agreement to divorce. He had to tell the lawyer he was unhappy for a year before separation. He had to leave for the washroom twice and I could tell he was suffering a headache from his anxiety. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks.

When we left he broke down crying. I told him this is what he wanted. He said, "Wanting something and executing it is two different things." I suppose he's also sad about the reality of the kids, but he's been very part time all summer and didn't seem to bother him. Maybe it's just reality period. It's probably mostly guilt.

He texted me shortly after and told me he will do anything and everything to continue healthy interactions with me. I told him I will talk to him about therapy only and otherwise be cordial. He said he has 6 sessions booked for this fall. I know the therapist is our marriage counselor and I don't think he necessarily specializes in what Gab is going through. He does plan to talk about his childhood.

I told him he will feel much worse for a while before feeling better, if he actually does pursue therapy.

Wish he'd realize he actually needs me because we were the best of friends.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

I forced the appointment because I figured he never would have and I wasn't going to wait for another "blow."

He called me stammering a few times the night before and 6 am the morning of.... but he didn't know what he wanted to say exactly.

how would he go about saying, "let's just wait and see if my alternate life works out. " ;)

 

[anthony]

Wish he'd realize he actually needs me because we were the best of friends.

Not real sure though if you're now just telling yourself things for the sake of it, here. He doesn't really need you, but maybe you need him, want him, but he is now in another relationship. A bit hard to speak on behalf of him though... that seems a little more like self-justification for your own actions, such as you now forcing an appointment for him. He has a partner to do that, it is not your role now... and that is why I make the comments I do, because I think you want him, you want the relationship, but he has moved on, regardless how much pain he is in, he is still gone.

 

[anthony]

how would he go about saying, "let's just wait and see if my alternate life works out. "

The problem with this thought... is that until such time as he fixes him, which takes a lot of time... then if he ditches his current partner, comes back to you, he will only do it again to you.

He has a lot of work to do on himself, and there is nothing you can do about that. You can't fix him, regardless how much you want to, and even want him to come home... this isn't the case and isn't going to change any time soon based on what you might want.

This is going to be hard on all of you... literally mourning a relationship.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

You're right Anthony. I do still want to fix him, and I do want him to come back, for now. But I know that will pass.

I'm also finding I need constant reassurance, so I don't blame myself entirely for our marriage not working out... I am seeing a therapist in a couple weeks to start working through that.

The appointment I forced was for him to sign the divorce papers.

He made his own therapy appointments because I told him we can't have any kind of relationship until that happens. He told me he will do anything and everything to have "healthy interactions with me." I've read enough to know, he just still needs me as a crutch, needs constant reassurance from me... but only for now. I'm sure that will drop off once he gets full on honeymoon with this girl.... maybe it won't. Eventually, when I've healed or moved on, I won't read anything into it.

I'm stuck with him because of the kids. If that weren't the case, I would cut him off completely.

 

[anthony]

I feel for ya... it is a tough case.

I'm on the other side of that, having kids with ex's... and that was good, but hard also. My last one got to the point were she literally made life so hard for me, I just couldn't keep doing it as she made me physical sick by knowing what to do and say for my PTSD to worsen. Then she blamed me for walking away, saying she knew it was just a matter of time, but she was the one who did it, not the kids, not me. Me and kids were happy together x times a year. She made my life absolutely shit, so disgruntled and spiteful she is... and I just hope you don't punish him like mine did me, until he leaves totally from the kids lives.

My ex made life easier for herself with her actions... and the kids and me suffer as a result. My kids will grow-up thinking daddy doesn't love them and want to be with them, whilst every year it tears me apart a little more.

Separation is tough...

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Are you saying she played on your fears?
I suppose I am guilty, but now that I know why he is the way he is, I will be gentler for the kids' sake.

Before the break up, I was ignorant of all of this.... insecure anxious attachment/ PTSD. Was always super proud that he was so strong despite his horrific childhood. Meanwhile, he was suppressing it all.

Had I known, I would have handled things differently all along.

 

[freespirit13]

My husband would do this all the time to me...Just walk out on me ..Which would make my PTSD ten times worse ...Anxiety went into over drive ...The fact that my husband was an alcoholic and using my issue to blame me for everything ...what ever he done was my fault...I became the scape goat for his actions ...He used to walk out on me... so he could go and get drunk basically and not have any of the responsibility of a family life ....He was drinking bottles of vodka and doing cocaine behind my back until i cottoned on to him and challenged him which he didn't like...Suppose no one likes that ..but the last time he walked out on me ...I rang the drugs and alcohol team...got them involved ( support for me ) and i basically turn't my back on him, as i knew that i needed to look after myself and i couldn't help a man who didn't want to be helped ...He was sleeping rough..His whole world came crashing down ...but i had to do it no matter how much it tore me apart ...it was one of the hardest decisions i had to do( sometimes the numbing does come in useful ) ...I wouldn't let him in the house if i knew he had a drink..I stood my ground and i wouldn't take none of his blaming me and his nonsense basically...it wasn't fair on me or my children ...It was a risk i had to take as it was effecting me ...whilst i was trying to heal myself .....He didn't find any one new ...as he was to drunk to even think about it ...Drink was all he thought about ...However after ..letting him lie in his own grave as the saying goes ...i think it finally dawned on him that he needs to help himself but the only way was to let him hit rock bottom and then seek the help he needed ...it was out of my hands ...he now goes to counseling to deal with his alcohol problems and getting the tools he needs to help himself ...i can not do it for him...no more then he can do it for me :)

 

[anthony]

Are you saying she played on your fears?

No... she played on knowing what to do in order to make me sick, i.e. get me as stressed as possible and PTSD would take over.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Okay, now that im quite sure it's PTSD, I will be careful. The kids need him stable.

I always new there was something not quite right... didn't know he was suffering so much. He's likely suffered like that since he was a little boy.

 

[Iworry4him]

I needed this thread. My ex suffers from c-ptsd and just ended things with me. For a year and a half we have been best friends and lovers. When we met, we had immediate chemistry, but it turned out there was so much more to us. We had the foundation to make it work. We had a friendship, same values and everything in common. On top of that I was more than willing to work with and understand his ptsd bi joined supporter groups and read books. On his bad days I did everything in my power to make him smile, and when that didn't work I stood by him and just understood. In april he found out he was moving to Seoul and started pushing me away, but we got through it. Fast forward to him getting there, he was depressed and lonely. It was bad. I tried to do what I could from here and assured him I was here for the long haul. Well last week he tells me he's making a decision to no be alone and lonely and has met a Korean girl. I don't understand. He said we were a perfect fit and he was amazed by my willingness to understand and cope with his ptsd. He said no one would ever fit him like I do. What gives? Is this girl a filler until he retunes or are women who you have chemistry with, have everything in common with AND truly stick by someone with ptsd a dime a dozen and easy to find??? I am so hurt.