Sudden Break Ups

[Left Behind Spouse]

What would cause a PTSDer to abruptly end a relationship and almost immediately enter a new one?
And does this have anything to do with PTSD?
and do they ever have major regrets?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hi,

For your information, I deleted your identical thread in the help desk. The help desk is for admin questions to the staff members about how to use the forum and other forum issues. It's not for relationships problems. Just report the thread if you need it moved instead of starting a new thread in different forums.

Thank you.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

I thoroughly apologize Ayesha. Sorry for the inconvenience.

 

[Justmehere]

People without PTSD do this a lot. I don't think it's a thing unique to PTSD. With or without PTSD in the picture, I think it is often driven by a fear of being alone.

 

[arfie]

In my own case, that would probably be caused by my self defense mechanism of rejecting before I can be rejected. Perhaps my fear of entrapment. In either cause, the drive is to be in control of the emotional pain. Within my PTSD logics, pain is inevitable. The best I can hope for is the control of how, when and where. Learning how to take the risk is an ongoing process. My husband of 34 years has been somewhere between masochistic and saintly in the face of it. The frantic jump to other lovers was the poor self-esteem in need of constant validation.

Regrets? Yea, but I mostly regret having PTSD and needing to work through the issues of it. Nobody seems to have come up with a better way out of this emotional maze. I work with what is available. Regrets are like a rocking chair. They give you something to do, but they get you nowhere.

Gentle support and validation of your heartache.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

This would describe my soon to be ex:
"The frantic jump to other lovers was the poor self-esteem in need of constant validation."

 

[SkyonFire]

I'm going to pretend this was me that did this because i only have my own experience to speak from and I've done stuff like this.


I may have problems for a long time in a relationship, but maybe my partner is oblivious to how bad they are or that I'm thinking about leaving because I want to feel safe, I want to avoid conflict, I want to avoid the intimacy of sharing with them, I don't want to cause them trouble, I want to feel more powerful in the relationship dynamic. Or maybe they know how bad it is, but I wasn't able to take care of myself until now or comfortable being on my own. I may have another relationship "lined up" for when the previous one ends.

or it could be that all of a sudden i felt there was one problem so big that there was no point in even trying. I'm really detached so if I have no practical reasons keeping me I can drop everything and just feel the same dull pain I always feel.

or maybe I'll desperately try to make a dramatic shift to see if I it will make my life better. I've probably been planning this in my head for a while. maybe just as a day dream

sometimes it's just wanderlust, maybe. I have a bit of that. a bit of not wanting to settle and be dependent on someone of be depended on. best to leave before that gets out of hand.

Maybe people cared that i left. I don't know. I can't tell, even if they use words to tell me.


I can have major regrets, but they're in and out depending on my state of mind. Like maybe I'll be capable of missing someone one day. Or maybe I'll feel guilty. Yea, there's alot of guilt. guilt if i stay and guilt if I go.

I have C-PTSD for what it's worth


I'm sorry if someone hurt you

 

[anthony]

Have you read the document: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

 

[anthony]

If you understand the stress cup, then you can actually relate most this back to it. A PTSD sufferer finds a committed relationship stressful. The honeymoon period is fun, the act of what comes after that, being the reality of a relationship, demands, choirs, commitments, so forth... these are more negative stressors than positive stressors. Sex typically isn't as frequent (removed a positive stressor to become a negative stressor), is just one example.

Moving into another relationship gives a PTSD sufferer lots of positive stressors, fun, relaxation, so forth... more positive emotion than negative. It will eventually become the same if they haven't changed themselves, thus the cycle will repeat again. They will leave them and go into another one... if not cheat by having both the fun with the reality, just to make the reality a bit more fun for themselves with the thought of being caught.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Thanks for your responses. Trying to make sense of it all, and he INSISTS on a friendship with me. I will have to interact with him regularly, as we have two small children.

I know that he is mentally ill, but obviously I cannot Google diagnose him. He definitely has "insecure attachment" with his most prominent symptom being abandonment issues, constant need for reassurance, and also validation. He suffered neglect and every kind of abuse including heavy criticism.

Please don't take my posts as me thinking I am perfect. I am in therapy and addressing my own issues.... I'm plenty reactive when I feel threatened, and we had some ugly arguments. There are definitely things I would have done differently had I known he was mentally ill. I didn't start really looking into it until this all happened. He's been plenty unstable since he broke the news to me. He looks like he's aged about 15 years, actually, and he's only 34.

His main reason for leaving was lack of "passion" so you're right there Anthony. We went to counseling last winter, and I was excited to start working on "us" as our children were out of the toddler stage. He was completely turned off by putting the "work" in. He just wanted the "passion" to happen. but he never told me. He just rolled over every night and buried his had in his computer, and then one morning over morning coffee told me he "couldn't do it anymore." Forget about all the family trips, hikes, bike rides.... he only ever wanted the simple super duper passionate relationship with me.

I have asked him to agree to initiate the divorce process because I have to protect my kids. He does not want custody and I would like to keep it that way. Of course he will still have access to them.

Yesterday told him we would not have a personal relationship, and I cannot be there for him until he gets help. Just because he enforces "small talk" with me on a regular basis, and it's exhausting!!! Well, tonight as he was leaving, he randomly spouted that he has "sessions booked all throughout next month". I said "okay". Not sure I believe him....

Why is he so insistent on maintaining a line of communication with me? now I feel like saying "good, share your findings with your new girlfriend."

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

I can only guess that he wants to stay connected in case he cannot find happiness otherwise.

I'm hopeful for two outcomes. One is that, I eventually heal and find happiness because I got married and wanted a lifetime companion. I still want that.

The other is that he finally realizes that happiness comes from within and gets help, gets whole, and learns to cope. And then comes back to his kids. It's so hard for them. My heart breaks for them more than for myself.... He's still a good Dad, but they are missing their pancakes and bacon with Dad. Sad.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Anthony - I read your article on understand PTSD, and it is excellent and very simple to understand.
Certainly, if I'd known about the "stress cup", I would have handled things differently, but since he is a workaholic, a lot of the cup gets filled there. When he got home he would overwhelm me with interactions and altercations from work. He obsessed over conversations he'd had.

I was definitely passive aggressive, as most of the time I wanted "Peace and a happy home", but of course, once in a while I would blow and things got ugly.

Now, I will just worry from a distance and work on my healing. I would send him the article, but he won't read it.

he thinks he will solve all this with running, Yoga, a new bed for his aching back and a new girlfriend.