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Sudden loss triggering dissociation

Justmehere

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My father died. He was at times terribly abusive. He was also at other times really good. He was a mix of Abilty to be a terrible human and a good human.

He died suddenly in ab unexpected way. He had just come back into my life after maybe 18 years gone. For the past two years he was only his good side with me. The day he died… it was already a bad day and he was going to call and never called.

To say I’m complexity wrecked by his sudden death is an understatement.

I did okay getting through the first bit and being around family. I’m now back at my home, and suddenly I’m numb and exhausted. I’m in a depersonalized/derealized fog. I’m way too alone. It hits the worst when im alone but hands on 24-7.

I have some clinical support kicking in this week. Right now, I can’t seem to get myself out of the dissociated fog.

Suggestions?
 
Honestly? Instead of trying to break out of it, or push it down, roll with it. Allow yourself to grieve; have a warm bath, and tuck yourself up in bed with tea and a good book. Treat it like suffering a nasty shock, and LET yourself process.

Able to hold it together in a crisi, and crashing afterward, is not new.

But processing in situ, instead of stuffing it until it explodes out later? Goes agains every PTSD instinct.
 
The past two weeks I was anxious and sad and tense and all the things that are normal… and it was hell but it felt healthy. I was functional. I was around family - which is a real mixed bag - and in another state and somehow that all gave enough space to feel but not enough space to get stuck. It was crisis survival mode. At least I felt something.

Now? I’m numb as all get out. I can’t feel shit. I can’t even feel the cold rain on my face. I’m sliding into the numb flood cycle and I want out. I also don’t want to feel any of this. Gah now I sound whiney.
 
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Gah now I sound whiney.
Not really. You sound like you might be being unfairly hard on yourself. This is a weird situation. Seems reasonable to expect some weird reactions to it. Being kind of numb right now might be ok. There's probably a lot of feeling there in a lot of layers. Better if stuff shows up a little at a time, maybe.

I'm glad to hear you made it through the family stuff ok! That was a big deal. Be sure you give yourself credit for that. From what I've read over the years, you expect a lot from yourself but rarely give yourself any credit for it.
 
Ditto @scout86 Unfairly hard on yourself.

“Most” people hit numb/flood/nonfunctional right at he very beginning. Which is why bereavement leave usually starts right then & there. Lasts for a couple weeks for the worst of it, and then things are still hard, but they’re no longer in the maelstrom.

Many people, though, have delayed reactions for grief. They get through the crisis, funeral, family, keep working/need to work…. And then WHOOSH. They get hit. Usually after a couple of weeks of dealing with the hard, but dealing, and then their legs get knocked out from under them & they’re in the maelstrom.

Some people? Repress it all, in a few different ways. PTSD being one of only several options. The grief gets locked away in a box, and only comes out months, or even years later.

What you’re experiencing right now? Is still very much in the normal/healthy range. (If you can keep from locking it in a box, and sitting on it, to be “fine”).

It’s still a lot more difficult -culturally- for people who experience delayed grief, as most people expect everyone to react as they do. BOOM in the beginning, getting better over time. Instead of only weeks later needing the support and care that others need in the first few weeks. But there are enough people who are familiar with the second most common reaction to bereavement that most jobs, services, etc. understand that grief effects people differently.
 
That really helps to read. Explains why my boss was so willing to give so much sudden time off… I handled complicated affairs with my complicated family in a way that people said I “rose to the challenge,” I was actually just being busy to cope. I’ve had enough pain over my father and his impact (both his presence and absence) over my lifetime… the reality of more pain is admittedly daunting. It’s also still a shock. It’s harder for it to be real for me when physically so far away. I keep trying to just pick up the phone to call and ask to talk to him. I keep trying to be busy but I have zero energy. I keep sleeping. I can’t cry. It feels like this is pain that just had no where to go.

Maybe it is just something that needs to be to be numb & foggy for a few days while I am now back at home without him in the world for the first time in my life. I guess it makes sense if that feels very surreal and makes me super foggy for a time.
 
Many people, though, have delayed reactions for grief.
Yep, this is totally me.
I’m numb as all get out. I can’t feel shit. I can’t even feel the cold rain on my face. I’m sliding into the numb flood cycle and I want out.
Grief is hard. This is a pretty normal reaction, and as has already been mentioned, it's good to just go with it.

I'm really sorry about your father.
 
Thanks all, this helps.

Sure enough, the numbness wore off in a fit of anger-panic-sadness that took my breath away. I guess I just needed to be numb for a few days.

I’ve lost people before. I’ve been told losing a primary attachment figure, close to them or not, is just going to be awful, period.

So, okay. Here we are. Here I continue on.
 
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