Hi. I am new to this...I've never posted anything before in my life, but I feel compelled to do so after the last 6 months of my life. I am a 40 year old high school math teacher. I am recently divorced with 2 sons, ages 16 and 13. Six months ago, I reconnected with my college sweetheart from 20 years ago. We immediately felt the connection again and we are so in love that we have already discussed marriage. He is also 40, been divorced for 10 years with a 13 year old son as well. Over the past 20 years the military has been his life...and nothing else.... In 2 weeks, he will be retired with 22 years of service in the army, active duty.
He's seen Iraq, Afghanistan, Haiti, and many more places, but Iraq seems to be the worst. He was in combat many times, hand to hand. He's been wounded by IED explosions, been on secret service missions, and more. He is the most wonderful man that I have ever met. He is so supportive in everything that I do. He has told me from the beginning that he has always loved me and never stopped, that he needs me to be here for him as he will be there for me. I've suffered greatly through my divorce, and yes, he has been my rock through this for me. I love him more than I ever thought that I could love...He did not trust me at all at first and still has some issues with trust. Over the past 2 months, he has opened up to me because he thought that he was going to lose me because of the stress that his PTSD has put on our relationship. He has been so open and honest with me that it's scary.
He has shared things with me that no one else in his life has ever known about...he admits that he has PTSD...he says that he has been battling this for 6 years since Iraq. I have researched PTSD, and yes, he has all of the signs.... He became so desperate when he thought that he would lose me...to the point of crying desperately on the bathroom floor as he shared his fears and secrets with me from Iraq and some other issues from his childhood... He does not want help and refuses to allow the military to diagnose him with such because he has a degree in psychology and is now working on his masters degree to be a clinal mental health counselor. He fears that if he is diagnosed with such a disease, it will kill his dream of becoming a counselor and helping others. That is his passion....but we all know that it is also a way for him to deal with his disease. I have trust issues because of this...I found texts and phone records from other girls, not anything close to being in a relationship with them, but texts that dealt with he being close friends to them, helping them with their issues...and yes, one being an ex girlfriend that was mentally ill and on drugs.
Once I confronted him about it, he says that it was wrong, he felt compelled and obligated to help these people because they were friends of his way before I became a part of his life again, and he didn't know how to end those friendships because he is so insecure and compelled to help people...however, they were all interested in him...did I mention he is an unbelievably good looking man??? You would never in a million years know how insecure he really is...Since that day, he has changed his phone number and I do believe that there are no more texts or phone calls...I've been keeping my eyes open....He worships the ground I walk on because he feels like I am his Godsend...he has stopped having nighmares since I've helped him, he has never slept all night until now, he's stopped having anxiety, feelings of wanting to kill people in a crowded area, and he claims he owes it all to me. He had also shown traits of narcissism, controlling issues...trying to tell me what i could and couldn't do, but I've helped him deal with that too and now he trusts me more.
Sometimes I feel as if I am his counselor...which is fine with me...but I still have trust issues with him....I am trying to understand what he is going through and I am trying to believe that his behavior is all associated with his PTSD...but I just don't know. Yesterday, he had a folder with all of his retired paperwork in it...I found a sheet that I only had a chance to glance at because he was coming in the room...it listed his son, and then a DAUGHTER...he's never told me about a daughter...I've met his son from his previous marriage...now I'm starting to wonder if he has a daughter from the last 10 years after his marriage?
Later, when we went through the paperwork together, he got rid of that sheet sneeking it away from me...He doesn't know that I know...I fear that his anger will come out and he will hit rock bottom like he did last time I confronted him about his secrets......it just may be too much right now because of everything that has surfaced in just 2 months... He wants to marry me...I want to marry him (a couple of years down the road)...I love him so much and he loves me more than I love him.....He feels like he's told me too much already because he's afraid I can't handle all of it and he feels "unworthy" to have a woman like me.
He is very ashamed of who he WAS...he has turned to God, but still feels like he is unworthy...I still see the pain in his eyes some days...but he has never shut me out...he has embrassed me so much to where sometimes I feel like he is too dependent on me. If you saw him out on the street, you would never see what I see...In public, he has a great personality, and acts very outgoing...but really, he hates people, he hates crowds, and he is always looking over his shoulder trying to protect us when we are out in public. And, most of the time, when we are alone, he is that same person...and he makes me laugh so much!!! I haven't allowed my boys to meet him yet, my divorce isnt even final for another 2 months...Sometimes I'm scared, but not of him, just how much of this I can handle alone...I can't tell anyone. His family knows nothing about his PTSD...and they don't seem to want to touch it with a 10 foot pole. We are connected....more than I thought 2 people could be connected, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening...
He's seen Iraq, Afghanistan, Haiti, and many more places, but Iraq seems to be the worst. He was in combat many times, hand to hand. He's been wounded by IED explosions, been on secret service missions, and more. He is the most wonderful man that I have ever met. He is so supportive in everything that I do. He has told me from the beginning that he has always loved me and never stopped, that he needs me to be here for him as he will be there for me. I've suffered greatly through my divorce, and yes, he has been my rock through this for me. I love him more than I ever thought that I could love...He did not trust me at all at first and still has some issues with trust. Over the past 2 months, he has opened up to me because he thought that he was going to lose me because of the stress that his PTSD has put on our relationship. He has been so open and honest with me that it's scary.
He has shared things with me that no one else in his life has ever known about...he admits that he has PTSD...he says that he has been battling this for 6 years since Iraq. I have researched PTSD, and yes, he has all of the signs.... He became so desperate when he thought that he would lose me...to the point of crying desperately on the bathroom floor as he shared his fears and secrets with me from Iraq and some other issues from his childhood... He does not want help and refuses to allow the military to diagnose him with such because he has a degree in psychology and is now working on his masters degree to be a clinal mental health counselor. He fears that if he is diagnosed with such a disease, it will kill his dream of becoming a counselor and helping others. That is his passion....but we all know that it is also a way for him to deal with his disease. I have trust issues because of this...I found texts and phone records from other girls, not anything close to being in a relationship with them, but texts that dealt with he being close friends to them, helping them with their issues...and yes, one being an ex girlfriend that was mentally ill and on drugs.
Once I confronted him about it, he says that it was wrong, he felt compelled and obligated to help these people because they were friends of his way before I became a part of his life again, and he didn't know how to end those friendships because he is so insecure and compelled to help people...however, they were all interested in him...did I mention he is an unbelievably good looking man??? You would never in a million years know how insecure he really is...Since that day, he has changed his phone number and I do believe that there are no more texts or phone calls...I've been keeping my eyes open....He worships the ground I walk on because he feels like I am his Godsend...he has stopped having nighmares since I've helped him, he has never slept all night until now, he's stopped having anxiety, feelings of wanting to kill people in a crowded area, and he claims he owes it all to me. He had also shown traits of narcissism, controlling issues...trying to tell me what i could and couldn't do, but I've helped him deal with that too and now he trusts me more.
Sometimes I feel as if I am his counselor...which is fine with me...but I still have trust issues with him....I am trying to understand what he is going through and I am trying to believe that his behavior is all associated with his PTSD...but I just don't know. Yesterday, he had a folder with all of his retired paperwork in it...I found a sheet that I only had a chance to glance at because he was coming in the room...it listed his son, and then a DAUGHTER...he's never told me about a daughter...I've met his son from his previous marriage...now I'm starting to wonder if he has a daughter from the last 10 years after his marriage?
Later, when we went through the paperwork together, he got rid of that sheet sneeking it away from me...He doesn't know that I know...I fear that his anger will come out and he will hit rock bottom like he did last time I confronted him about his secrets......it just may be too much right now because of everything that has surfaced in just 2 months... He wants to marry me...I want to marry him (a couple of years down the road)...I love him so much and he loves me more than I love him.....He feels like he's told me too much already because he's afraid I can't handle all of it and he feels "unworthy" to have a woman like me.
He is very ashamed of who he WAS...he has turned to God, but still feels like he is unworthy...I still see the pain in his eyes some days...but he has never shut me out...he has embrassed me so much to where sometimes I feel like he is too dependent on me. If you saw him out on the street, you would never see what I see...In public, he has a great personality, and acts very outgoing...but really, he hates people, he hates crowds, and he is always looking over his shoulder trying to protect us when we are out in public. And, most of the time, when we are alone, he is that same person...and he makes me laugh so much!!! I haven't allowed my boys to meet him yet, my divorce isnt even final for another 2 months...Sometimes I'm scared, but not of him, just how much of this I can handle alone...I can't tell anyone. His family knows nothing about his PTSD...and they don't seem to want to touch it with a 10 foot pole. We are connected....more than I thought 2 people could be connected, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening...
