Sufferer Dating Another Sufferer: Maintaining Boundaries

[Red Dog]

I have PTSD in remission from many years of childhood abuse and have been in treatment for about 4-5 years. I fell in love with a man about a year ago and he told me that he has PTSD about two months ago (combat related). Things have been going really well: he is open in communication with me and has been getting treatment through a counselor for about a year and is taking meds for PTSD and anxiety symptoms.

It only occurred to me a few weeks ago that certain behaviors he exhibits could be triggering my PTSD. For example, one night he drank way too much alcohol (I'd never seen him that drunk) and became aggressive with me. He'd never behaved that way before with me and although I know that he'd never hurt me, I was frightened. He calmed down that night and the next day I tried to talk to him about it, but I don't think he really understood what was happening inside me (maybe neither did I).

As a child I rarely ever felt safe and it takes everything in me to trust people, I want my trust in him to grow, but if he acts this way toward me I can feel myself becoming distant. There are also times when I feel like he is trying to sabotage our relationship by pushing me away (without realizing it), but I am determined to find solutions. Any advice welcomed. :)

 

[SpokaneSunshine]

Hi black petal. I saw your post just now and can relate. My partner is also combat ptsd. One incongruity we have, is that he feels safer with guns, and because my incident was gun related I physically react when I see guns or especially someone holding a gun. We also experience periods of closeness and then distance. I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know I can related.
Ps. Sorry if any typos this is from my phone and it's stubborn with autocorrect.

 

[Sveta]

My husband and I also are co-suffering, if that is a term (if it is, I probably just misused it). He is also a soldier, but his ptsd is not combat related (paper-pusher), it is from his childhood, like mine.

We both had narcissistic mothers, but his would alternate between interaction and isolation due to depression and she developed an abnormally close relationship with him, because her husband would not give her the narcissistic supply that she craved. She also scapegoated his older brother, conditioning them to be rivals, Jacob-and-Esau-style.

My mother was neglectful and was a substance abuser (and so much worse, I can't even begin to start). It is difficult to resist the urge to feel "more damaged" than he is because his mother actually did love him (in a damaging way, though) and my mother just used me without any regard for me as a human being. He copes better in life situations, like employment, and often reminds me to eat, take a break, don't do too much in one day, etc.

I have to remember that it probably hurts in a different, unique way to be raised with such a conflicting concept of love. I also keep in mind that for him, understanding my pain is no walk in the park either, and I probably trigger him, too. I think he was attracted to me because I was hurting (like his mom, sigh).

The gun problem is a tough one. I recently just told him that I have a fear of knives (and why), he didn't realize that some "knife" habits he had were triggers for me. He always has to have one when he goes somewhere (never know what you need, he even accidentally had a nice one confiscated at customs). He tries to be more discreet now because of my feelings. This helps.

It only occurred to me a few weeks ago that certain behaviors he exhibits could be triggering my PTSD. For example, one night he drank way too much alcohol (I'd never seen him that drunk) and became aggressive with me. He'd never behaved that way before with me and although I know that he'd never hurt me, I was frightened. He calmed down that night and the next day I tried to talk to him about it, but I don't think he really understood what was happening inside me (maybe neither did I).

As a child I rarely ever felt safe and it takes everything in me to trust people, I want my trust in him to grow, but if he acts this way toward me I can feel myself becoming distant. There are also times when I feel like he is trying to sabotage our relationship by pushing me away (without realizing it), but I am determined to find solutions. Any advice welcomed. :)

I can completely relate to trust issues and the anxiety that being around very drunk people can give you, I experience the same thing. My husband is more of a strawberry-margarita-with-sugar-on-the-rim-and-whipped-cream kind of guy, but I can't even be in a place where people are working hard to get drunk. Military balls are over for me when the dance music starts, because people have usually been drinking pretty hard all evening and even being in an environment like that is highly stressful for me.

It seems like the alcohol use is pretty important to address for your well-being. My husband reminds me I am not being weak about my limitations, I am being realistic. Maybe the alcohol is an issue for him in a different way...

I guess that what I am trying to say is, that understanding my husbands pain triggers my pain, but the love I have for him makes me want to confront that, even though I am scared to do it and ashamed that I am scared of what is in my own head. We are both supposed to see our own therapists and then do couples counseling. Not looking forward to any of it, but I want to be better. I am grateful that he is willing to modify his behavior to help me, but in truth, I almost left him two weeks ago, before we realized what was happening...so.....he is highly motivated to stay together, and so am I.

I hope somewhere in all of this you found something that was helpful :rolleyes:

 

[Red Dog]

Thank you both for your messages. :) It’s easy to begin to feel isolated in these situations and it makes me feel better to know there are others that can relate. Since I wrote this post he has stopped drinking mostly and I think the experience we had made him not want to drink much anymore. Fortunately he is very open with me and our love has continued to bloom because we have good communication.

With him I am happier than I have ever been in my life and I am committed to keep growing and healing, but I think that what really surprised me was my deep, reflexive reaction to things that trigger me; I sat there wondering why am I reacting so emotionally? So I will work on it more with my counselor.

Like you said, you’re not looking forward to all the hard work, well, I also initially questioned the whole situation, you know, sort of pitied myself "why me?" But then I thought who would better understand me than someone that also has deep secrets that are worth unearthing. Relationships are hard work even in the best circumstances, but I like to think of how much I’m growing as an individual because of all my hard work and then I feel good about it.

Also I’ve been reading a lot, like one of the books that has helped me (with respect to communication) has been Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns and he also wrote Feeling Good Together (which is about relationships); I haven’t read the latter, but I’m sure it’s just as good as the other.

On the subject of weapons: I study martial arts and I felt very nervous about doing techniques that use (fake) knives and guns because of my own issues with self-protection, but facing my fears helped me feel less fearful and comfortable with being able to protect myself in a self-defense situation even if a person had a weapon with them.

 

[Mary Burgess]

Thank you for your posts. I have just ended a relationship with someone I suspect has PTSD - she has periods of closeness, then pushes me away. We have always done everything her way, and my heart is broken...