Relationship Sufferer Won't Seek Help. Destroying Himself And Us

[Nothingness]

My sufferer has symptoms that I think are PTSD from family events from a few years ago plus difficult work situations. I've only recently realised this is what is might be, previously thought depression. But he also has nightmares, periods of total shutdown including being unable to speak, flashbacks, whole body twitches. He thinks it will all be cured if our teenage children behave more thoughtfully and I get more organised in the house then he won't be so stressed.
Has taken himself away for a bit because me and kids aren't doing enough and therefore don't care about him. I've tried to get him to see that he probably needs help beyond us being nicer towards him. He is convinced our (mostly normal) family issues are the problem and he is therefore going to leave and not see us ever again because that will fix things for him. He has done this before and I have brought him round from it and promised to change. Trying with kids but they don't put him first because they are teenagers. I get some things sorted but there is always something I should have done and haven't so we're back here again. How can I convince him to get help, or do I let him go his own way to look after himself. Love him to bits and relationship otherwise good. I'm nearly broken myself from same family issues but I've been patient and supportive. Just not as organised as I'd like to be and it winds him up. Please help Any suggestions on how to persuade to see doctor particularly welcome. I have tried persuasion and failed.

 

[Nothingness]

i should add that he is working really hard despite this, but this makes him resentful of the "easy life" I have and our student children have in comparison. He has also told me that if he does have to go for help he will never forgive us for what we have done in not changing to show him we care. And he will then never want to see us again.

And sometimes he says don't worry he will continue to support us. And sometimes he is going to cut us off without a penny.

He doesn't want me to contact him, but previously if I have left him alone as asked this is evidence of not caring and why haven't I been in touch.

Basically I never know how to help.

Sorry for having to add extra info.

 

[nursenurse]

All you can do is look after you, and set some boundaries. You are your children's only stable force at the moment. This must be so hard and confusing for you all. I would get you and them into family counselling, his behaviour is not your fault. One of the most destructive things in the family is someone who keeps coming and going as you have alluded that he does, blaming you, the victims, when he is in denial of his contributions to the tension in your household.

Both you and your kids are ,or will be, suffering self esteem issues from this kind of treatment if it goes on long enough. If he does not get help, I would reconsider letting him back into the house, should he ask yet again, unless he seeks help. Otherwise it shows the kids that you are willing to accept any kind of treatment for yourself and for them. Effectively making you doormats in the process. If he did not have PTSD, would you keep accepting the accusations, the blame everyone else, the nonacceptance of his own role in the situation? I am not saying leave him, just to consider some help for yourself and some boundary setting that would protect you and the kid.

He sounds resentful of you if he thinks being a stay at home Mom is an easy life. Remember, raising children is the most important job in the world, and the most difficult. You can't go in to raise them at 9 and leave at 5.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi nothingness
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry that you are having to put up with, I'll be blunt, him dumping his shit on you and the kids.

The alarm bells were going off in my head as I was reading your posts.

At the very best he is being abusive and manipulative as he dumps blame.

Please check out the al-anon .PDF titled "detachment"
Regardless of what may or may not be wrong with him, he is fecking up interpersonal boundaries, and trying to manipulate you into co dependant behaviour, to enable his nuttiness. That needs stamping on and his baggage handling back to him, for him to carry himself.

At worst?
I can't tell, but from your short description, there are strong signs of narcissistic behaviour on his part.

He might or might not have PTSD. I can't guess from what you have said.

But, if you do have a narc on your hands. They are abusive and manipulative, they'll feck with your reality. Check out the contents of what I posted yesterday in the other conditions and disorders forum,and see if it rings any bells.

If he continues with this crap, consider divorce solicitor and court order banning him from home.

 

[seedling]

It sounds like there is no way to ever be good enough. You try in one area and then there's something else he is dissatisfied with.
Maybe the kids don't put him first because they are tired of never being able to win with him.
I agree that some help for yourself and your children is a good idea. You can get an objective perspective on the dynamics of what is going on. One person's "needs" don't need to control a whole family's behavior, much less take up all of everyone's energies.

Take care, there's lots of great reading here.

 

[Nothingness]

Hi nothingness
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry that you are having to put up with, I'll be blunt, him dumpin...

Long, pretty happy, loving and thoughtful relationship before this happened so unlikely to be narcissistic or abusive. Still thoughtful and loving rest of the time. But definitely a change in behaviour not who he is by nature.
Thought it best to clarify for anyone who reads thread.

 

[Nothingness]

Has anyone had any success or know of any strategies that might get him to a doctor or somewhere else? Or know of best first port of call in seeking help if I do get him to go.

 

[Nothingness]

And sorry to drip feed information and don't want to go into detail but one then the other teenager were the cause of situations that caused family issues that gave him (and me) the traumatic time in the first place. Those situations have calmed down now (not perfect but within realm of normal). I experienced it too, although he often took brunt of it and worked full time through it, hence greater impact.

 

[nursenurse]

Don't give him a bye because of the teen angst thing. Remember who the adults in the relationship are.

 

[Anarchy]

Widespread experience here is NHS will have you waiting ages for very few sessions, although therapist may be excellent.
You could try to see a psychologist who does relationship work, privately.

When I was looking for a relationship counsellor (not in Britain) I was strongly advised by several people to avoid bodies like relate. Due to poorly trained and overworked counsellors

The self help section of most decent sized bookshops will have a selection of books on co dependency to get you up to speed on boundary work. Also, al anon specialises in support for recovering co dependants.

A friend recommends the blog "baggage reclaim"

 

[AnotherWarriorPoet]

There is a time for being supportive and understanding; there is also a time to realize that PTSD can hold more than just your loved one hostage. It sounds like you have done a lot to try and manage the situation and take care of him and your children. Sadly, we can't always make someone seek or accept help for PTSD. I've tried to point out to dear friends whom I know suffer but they shut down and refuse to acknowledge or seek PTSD help. Sadly and honestly, the sufferer must encounter something that either smacks them in the face and they will either realize 'whoa there is a major problem here and I need help' or they literally will solidify to themselves that help is beyond them (regardless of if there is truth to that). I have known soldiers who's spouses left them and took the children citing the soldiers unwillingness to address the problem themselves. You can't help someone who will not help themselves.

There comes a time when you will need to protect yourself and your children. I'm not a doctor or therapist. I'm just a guy who's been there.