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Deleted member 37868
K so there's a few things that I had to get off my chest, I tried talking about it to a few people in real life, and I feel 300 times worse. I don't know what to do going forward, I truly feel at the end of the line, no more things or medications to try. First of all I'm missing a semester of school, I feel lame, I registered for 2 classes then dropped them, I just don't care I would end up dropping my gpa being this apathetic. I don't care about anything, I don't want to do anything, I try to make myself and then I get there, and I want to cry. I feel so lame, like it's my fault and honestly everyone else is making me feel like that too. That's the worst, I don't know why but this makes me want to die the most, the humiliation aspect of it. I used to cut, it was really bad very bad scarring but back then it lasted maybe 2 weeks, and I haven't thought about it until today. I really really want to, and the sad thing is I can't find any reason not to, no one is going to see the scars because I'm incapable of intimacy anyways. I'm in a place im not in often, idk what this is, I really want my life to be over, but I'm incapable of even making a decision so I'll settle for hurting myself? Like I said I was a cutter for 2 weeks of my life. I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I know this is f*cked up and I'm not even explaining all of it, I can't get the itch to do it off my mind. Does it have something to do with feeling suicidal? Because that's not the purpose of it for me. I also got in a fight with a friend today, she texted me saying oh we should hang out, I was just talking u know, and she knows how f*cked up my life is rn, and she mentions a movie and how we should watch it, and I tell her about a show I really liked u know just keeping the conversation going, I didn't even say yes to her to hang, and then she's like oooh I'm sooooo busy, my life is so amazing rn I have so many parties to go to, and I'm like wtf, u texted me, u asked me, I've noticed she likes doing kind of shitty stuff like that, believe me when I say I'm not exaggerating, it's not her fault I'm depressed duh, but I always feel 100% worse after seeing or talking to her. Anyways I had to vent, I'm trying to delay me hurting myself.
