Suicidal And Ashamed

[Wishforescape for]

Hi all,

I am just writing here as I don't know who else to turn to.

I have been in therapy for a year and a half. I started really rocky with suicide attempt etc. but I have been doing so much better in the last year and a half despite flooding body memories and flashbacks.

Therapy and medicine have been so helpful to me.

About two months ago I decided to go a bit deeper in one of my childhood incidents and all of a sudden everything is upside down. I am severely suicidal again and scared. I have isolated myself even more and feel scared and alone. My therapist is nice and tried to tell her that I am struggling but I didn't tell her how bad my thoughts have become as I don't want to burden her. I feel so ashamed of myself. I keep thinking that I don't deserve to live, that I am such a waste of space and time, that the world would be better without me, that if my family doesn't even love me how could anyone else.

It's been such a hard few weeks. I got closer to an attempt few weeks ago and now I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

Why is this happening? I feel so unlovable and unworthy of anyone or anything :( my job is also another stressor as I was severely bullied for a long time and it's difficult to go back there everyday and see your bullies all happy and moving on with their life.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like everyone else?

 

[gealach]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this bad... please know that none of the negative statements you make about yourself are true. Your brain is lying to you about those statements. You deserve all good things in your life.

I urge you to seek out help asap if you are currently suicidal, or even think you may harm yourself. I'm not sure what you have access to: crisis line, clinic, hospital.

When you see your therapist, tell her how bad it really is. It won't be a burden to her, it won't break her. She's trained for this, and it's pretty common to have a crisis when you start delving deeper into trauma. If she knows what's going on, she can start to help.

Please keep posting, there's lots of support here. :hug:

 

[Wish for eacape]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this bad... please know that none of the negative statements you ma...

Thank you so much. Really appreciate your help.

I understand on a cognitive level that these thoughts are wrong but i get so flooded with emotions and feel like I cannot breath and then the thoughts come back :(

I went to a yoga class today and now going to bed. At least it's almost the weekend so I don't have to see people at work as much.

I am trying to breath and believe that it will get better. Sometimes I guess it just gets tiring. Posting here really helps.

Thank you

 

[gealach]

Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner - i've been traveling to work.

I just wanted you to know that I wish you well, and I hope this weekend is relaxing and healing for you.

 

[J'qel]

Take your time.

If you need to put it off, well that's one of the things that kept me going for a while. heh I made procrastination work *for* me. It was always "tomorrow".

It gives time to get help, to pull up and out.

Yeah, feeling like a waste of oxygen is pretty common in these parts, but what even more common is the assurance you're not. Every thing you do, every single action leaves it's imprint. You are immeasurably important. That smile you give tomorrow may be the reason that a huge fight doesn't break out between a man and his wife of thirty years. Your spare change to the guy on the corner could be the difference between his having something to eat for the first time this week. Your simple statements here could be enough to remind someone they're not alone, and save a life.

Never doubt that you are important. Every last moment of your life is beyond worth.

If you must, delay, but know, that anything that tells you you are anything less is a lie.

 

[HealinginHisWings]

First of all, I prayed for you. No need to feel like leaving this world by your own choice, as the next leap is a leap of faith, and where will you be...? The darkness may want to pull you in, but the light is such warmth and comfort. Truly, not one worst bad thing on this earth is as bad as eternity of pain. I'm Christian, so this is what I believe. I have endured much pain, and many times it felt like too much. God saved me every time, and still does. So God comfort you. Cry if you need to. Cry for a year or years. One day, for eternity, in Christ is no more tears. I had to share this with you, as it was in my heart. To anyone that is or is not Christian that reads this, I know God works. I hope peace and healing for all that need it. Prayed for everyone here. Have peace in all the beauty and enjoy the goodness, even when you feel you can't. I've been there, many people have been there. You are not alone.