Suicidal Thoughts Eating Me

[Deleted member 27340]

The worst part of the day is getting up and the best part of the day is going back to bed again. I can't read, study, focus or do anything at all.

It all got so much worse when a relative shared some knowledge about my past late November and then right after that came my mother's birthday, and from there it's only gone down. Another point of getting worse was when I got back to therapy a few weeks ago. My mind is driving me crazy. I can't tell potential threat from regular, normal things. I catch myself supervising people's hands whenever they're closer than an arm length away. I catch myself constantly positioning myself with my back against a wall, and if it's not, always turning around to check behind my back. I'm on the edge of crying multiple times every single day, and anxiety is eating me up inside. My head is constantly thinking of terrible things and I can't even tell which of the pictures and thoughts I get are real or not. I feel like the thread connecting me to reality is getting thinner and thinner as I try to run faster away from the monster inside me.

I'm in pain, and no one can ever understand.

When I said I'm a dirty piece of shit my friend thought I was saying I'm a bad person and replies by saying I'm one of the kindest people he's ever met. He didn't understand I was talking about being dirty, filthy and used. I'm not kidding when I say I'd rather be paralysed from my hips and down than feel the grossness of my body down there every single day.

I want this to end. Maybe my mother will hear about it and start actually loving me and be my mommy. Probably not though lol it's a lost fight. All of it.

 

[anthony]

Like your title says... they're just thoughts, nothing more. Your thoughts are yours and they are not necessarily reality.

I'm in pain, and no one can ever understand.

Really? You don't think people here understand? People who have endured abuse and want to end it all? Do you really think they don't understand?

 

[Frogs88]

Go on your computer. Look up the emergency mental health team in your area. Get their number. Phone them and read allowed what you have just written here (that way you won't have to think about it) give them your address. You can only get better if you are alive.

It's terrifying, I know. But my brother was schizophrenic and seven years ago tried to kill himself. He went to a mental hospital. It was three months. Then another three months in a home where they watched him. Then he had his own flat. Three years after that he met his new girlfriend. They have been together four years. They are happy. Surprisingly they met when she was being attacked and he pulled her attacker off of her and took her home and she suffered PTSD after that. Now they are happy.

My point is. You have to be alive to have a chance of ever being happy again.

Anything can be recovered from in time.

Get that number. Call. Let yourself be taken care of and watched even though it will feel awful, because eventually it'll work.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Well they're controlling my entire life so it's not like they're exactly disconnected or separated from reality. Not my reality at least.

@Frogs88 No one will ever take me seriously if I just say I'm suicidal or just say my mind is driving me nuts or just say I feel like I'm losing it. They will devalidate it based on my age with the hopeless arguments saying things like "You're too young to know pain" or "Don't be attention seeking you're 14 you've got nothing to worry about". I can't call anyone now it's 11pm. I want to sleep and see what happens tomorrow. And it won't get better and I'm f*cking tired of listening to all those stupid happy ending stories because they're just a few of many and spread out there to fool people into seeing a false hope and light. I don't believe in any of it. You can't fix a person that never even developed (childhood trauma... narcissistic abuse is fairy glitter from hell!!). There's nothing to fix.

 

[Frogs88]

If you don't want hope, advice, people wiling to listen and wanting to help, people who have been through hell who want to offer their experiences at how to survive, then what do you want from posting here?

I'm not being critical. You are in a bad place. I just want to know what you think will help and then maybe we could give you better advice.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I don't even know.

 

[Sammyiam]

Trauma,

And it won't get better and I'm f*cking tired of listening to all those stupid happy ending stories because they're just a few of many and spread out there to fool people into seeing a false hope and light. I don't believe in any of it. You can't fix a person that never even developed (childhood trauma... narci

If you think it won't get better it won't, and saying that you are sick of listening to all those stupid happy ending stories is like just giving the people who have worked really really hard to turn their life around no credit.

Really? You don't think people here understand? People who have endured abuse and want to end it all? Do you really think they don't understand?

I have lived with this most days for over 40 years I think I understand what you are feeling trauma along with 99% of the people on this site, I know how you feel and I have been there so many times and when you are there it is a very scary place.

My point is. You have to be alive to have a chance of ever being happy again.

This I agree with 100% and I keep telling myself this when I feel like there is no hope. I am living a very real hell at the moment inside my head and have no idea how to cope but I keep trying. I was exactly your age 14 when I had my first breakdown and never ever thought I would live past 15. Here I am at 47 and still trying to find myself and trying to find some inner peace and have meet some amazing people who have helped me along the way. You to will find amazing people in your life to help you. You just have to find those people they will come into your life, sometimes they just take time to show themselves. I know it's very hard and I have felt the very same way as you but like @Frogs88 said look up some numbers and get some help.

Take care

Sammy

 

[shimmerz]

Love, kindness, compassion, trust, someone to hold me. That is what I need in those times that I feel like you describe. A good safe place to cry it out until the feeling goes away. A noise proof room that I can scream until my voice is hoarse. A punching bag to punch until I drop on the floor. A pool to swim in until my muscles are exhausted. The list goes on and on. I hope you find your safe outlet.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

sorry :(

 

[Sammyiam]

Nothing to be sorry for at all trauma we are all here to help each other. We do know how you feel and it's shite trauma we all go through it

Take care
Sammy

 

[shimmerz]

What are you sorry for @Trauma? I agree with @Sammyiam . We are all just here, part of a tribe, helping each other the best that we can. I don't think you need to be sorry...... :)

 

[Deleted member 27340]

For rejecting advise. For being a douchey ass refusing to take in anything anyone says and then being selfish enough to continue complaining. For being rude enough to indirectly say that people on a page full of the most understanding people in the world won't understand. And for even thinking about suicide. And I'm probably sorry for existing too.