Suicidal Thoughts Eating Me

[StellaBlue]

@Trauma, you are not too young to know pain and you (very obviously) have a lot to worry about. From a purely existentialist point of view, there are no happy endings - Shunryu Suzukie said "Life is like getting in a boat that is about to set sail out to sea and sink." But that doesn't make life meaningless.

As @anthony (and your title) said, these are thoughts...and, as much as I hate pithy sayings, I do sometimes have to chant to myself "just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true". Thoughts pass...they always do.

Will there be a "happy ending"? I guess that really depends on what you're expecting as a "happy ending". Can you be at peace, functional, living a life you choose? Yes, absolutely. The advantage that you have right now is your young age and the recognition that there is a problem. This doesn't mean you're too young to be in this much pain...it means you have a vast space of time ahead of you, if you choose, to change things and decide what you want for you. It also doesn't mean it will be easy or fun...but it's all there.

I wish you peace...at least for tonight.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, I know it's really late where you are, but are there any distractions that are super-simple that work well for you? I seem to remember you like to draw...best thing for right now is to move your mind away from the self-loathing. You don't have to move it to a happy place (that's really hard), just try for neutral.

Anything you can try?

 

[Frogs88]

I had my first breakdown at fourteen, I don't even like to remember how hard it was to try and reach out and to not get any help because yes, people thought I was attention seeking. It's taken me years to become comfortable with asking for help again. Don't be sorry, people may not understand exactly, nobody else has lived your life, but we've all lived our own trauma filled lives so we might understand most of it.

 

[Anarchy]

When I said I'm a dirty piece of shit my friend thought I was saying I'm a bad person and replies by saying I'm one of the kindest people he's ever met. He didn't understand I was talking about being dirty, filthy and used. I'm not kidding when I say I'd rather be paralysed from my hips and down than feel the grossness of my body down there every single day.

I hope you will re read this when you are not triggered.

When we are triggered, flashing back or just ruminating, it feels;

• impossible to believe that a good person can be in such a shitty situation
• that there is no future
• that this is for ever

That is the flashback - to such a young age and such a primitive and reptillian part of the mind that automatically thought

• that for bad things to happen, we must be bad people too
• that had no concept of time, every moment is eternal

It is absolutely wrong, it is very difficult to tell it that though, as your limbic brain is only connected to your conscious and rational brain (and you have an excellent one of those) via the bit which controls breathing and proception.

That is where breathing exercises and awareness in yoga, mindfulness meditation and martial arts come in - they help you to establish a positive relationship with your body and calm and soothe the used and abused little girl who's only defence was the instincts in her limbic brain.

That terrified little girl wasn't asked and didn't get a choice, she (and the you when you are not triggered) do not deserve any punishment for that.

He didn't understand I was talking about being dirty, filthy and used. I'm not kidding when I say I'd rather be paralysed from my hips and down than feel the grossness of my body down there every single day.

It's probably just as well that he didn't understand

I hope it isn't diminishing to your experience to say that a lot of us here had traumatic things done to our genitals when we were young. mine were mutilated, apparently over a period of days when I was about 6 months old, it's up in the medical trauma forum. it is still physically painful. 'nuff said.

I think it is normal for us to be anxious and insecure about our bodies during our teens - even people without traumas. reassurance and validation comes when we let ourselves realize that there really are people out there who do find us attractive.

I can identify with the feeling of not knowing what will be left there when I become less symptomatic - my own traumas go back into my first few months of life, and perhaps before (I've collected plenty more of them since then too), there is no pre traumatic me - just half a century of traumas and symptoms with periods of less symptoms scattered between them.

Oddly, I don't get suicidal ideation, and never have.

Since october I have found that it becomes increasingly possible to think of the future when I am away from triggers and threats.

I'm told that theatre, writing, whether fiction or memoir, and performing, all help to open new horizons and help us to explore where we might develop.

please forgive and comfort the little you who was abused, look after her in the present, as you look after your sister.

 

[shimmerz]

Personally, I think you are brave. @Frogs88 is right, it is really hard to reach out but you did it. I don't think you need to be sorry here for this posting. Most of us feel this way more times than we care to admit. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Sammyiam]

Trauma,

You are much more brave than me as I didn't have the courage to speak up when I was little I just ran scared for another 20 odd years or more still running if I'm being honest.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm in pain, and no one can ever understand.

Like @anthony said - we can.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, though my trauma is different. It affects us in similar ways. PTSD isn't a very creative disorder!

 

[sun seeker]

You can't fix a person that never even developed (childhood trauma... narcissistic abuse is fairy glitter from hell!!).

Yes you can. There are kinds of therapy that can fix exactly that. I keep telling people about my favourite book on therapy for early trauma, Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller, because it describes in detail exactly how that kind of trauma can be healed by specific therapeutic methods. Not the kind of therapy you describe, of course not. It's too bad that is the first kind you have encountered, it's led you to believe that's all that is out there and I'm sorry that was the case. Something similar happened to me the first time I tried to "get help", but believe me, there is other help out there. Whether it is in your area or not I don't know, but exist it does, absolutely. You have to keep insisting.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@StellaBlue But the thoughts are so real to me. And they're stuck there. So my reality becomes the thoughts' reality.
I still can't see any way of living like I want to. There's too much anxiety getting in the way. I don't feel like I can be fixed at all. And my grades are going to hell and I think it's partly because I got back to therapy... I can't spend my entire teens in therapy, my grades would be so ruined I'd have absolutely no chance of getting anywhere at all. And school is making me so stressed I probably couldn't get anywhere with therapy anyway, so again there's the either/or crap argument for school/therapy because both of them are clearly not working.

@joeylittle I fell asleep eventually, but I ended up drawing on myself with eyeliner pencils (I don't use make up so they actually came to good use, lol) first.

@Frogs88 Thanks...

@Anarchy I relate so much to what you're writing... I usually picture, metaphorically, my little broken girl as a monster living inside me. You might've seen me referring to "my monster" a few times. I won't accept her as human, lol.
I can barely remember anything like that (sexual stuff), and I keep telling myself it's not real. But I kind of show every common "symptom" of sexual abuse, and people constantly comment on how much I flinch at contact and that I will literally stay away from people to be sure they can't reach out and touch me from where they are. Closer than an arm's length away: supervise hands at all times. It's exhausting, and I avoid so many things because of it. And I can't tell if the things in my head are real memories or my mind playing tricks on me. So I just end up saying nothing about it and keeping it to myself because I don't want to be one of those people who lie about those things...

So basically from what you're saying martial arts and playing in a band would've been good for me? I kind of have lots of possibilities to both. My group consists of four people and the three others are playing in a band together, they'll be playing at a local concert in February and the guitarist will sing because I'm a too big coward to ever, ever perform anything around people. I can't even practice at home. And martial arts is fun but I avoid it because there's too much contact and that's scary and I don't trust people.

I don't want to look after her. She's a monster. I hate her.

@shimmerz :hug:

@Sammyiam But I still refuse to talk about the things that are bothering me the most. When I kind of try I end up dissociated and then hate myself for being so close to telling.

@sun seeker It's creative when it comes to various ways of ruining your entire life.

Right now the only therapist option I've got is the one from the Norwegian health care system (all stuff like that are run by the government here). Anything else is either too far away, or too expensive for my family. And I don't want to be a bigger burden than I already am. So I kind of have to wait until I'm 18 to get to choose more around. And that seems like something really scary to do if you ask me.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi trauma
glad you got some sleep in the end.
I've got a few vids which you might like next time you can't sleep. I'm setting off on the road in a short while, and don't know how much time I'll get on the forum this week. hopefully I'll get back to address your reply.

please ignore the diagnostic labels on the vids (i think the diagnoses beyond PTSD or Developmental Trauma are largely BS, as do the people in the vids)

first is Anita Sawyer, telling her amazing story (I need tissues when I watch it, lots of tears), the other vids from that conference are good too, I particularly like van der Kolk, who shows brain scans of people who are dissociating

Bessel van der Kolk at a different conference, is next, it's long but good,this time he has brain scans of people flashing back and explains about how to reach the amygdala through breathing and proception.

Laurence Heller, talking about the treatment which he is developing for developmental trauma. It works in the present (like CBT) and does not go dredging old traumas up to re traumatise ourselves withhttp://youtu.be/xPhasHMSyas

I don't want to look after her. She's a monster. I hate her.

When I was at boarding school and about 12 years old, a boy of about 16 found that repeatedly choking me unconscious, relieved the boredom of his dull little mind. There was a boy in my class there too, and my attacker found it even more amusing that I would punch the crap out of my classmate for watching what was happening to me, for being there - at some sub conscious level, it was so much safer than confronting my attacker. On a conscious level, not at all, because I ended up getting choked out again and again to see if I'd keep providing sick amusement.

could it be the same thing with the little you?

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I might... try... to watch those videos. I struggle with videos on above 5 minutes, so it's definitely not happening today.

Maybe. If you mean that she's attacking me and others than those who hurt me? And denying what really happened to cover it up with something simpler? If so, yes... Little me is denying so much. She's closing up to being completely unable to tell reality from unreal. And I feel like she's not completely a monster. Like there's my monster inside me and then little me is hiding inside my monster. Little me is just escaping from everything and being scared. My monster is acting out by taking it all out on me. I don't have DID, I just picture it all this way. If you know what I mean. I tend to think either mathematically or visually.

 

[Samantha1129]

I wanted to take a moment to address the comment that you can't fix someone who never had a chance to develop. I'm 29 and three years ago was in the worse place in my life. It started as a two year old... my earliest memory in life was my father sexually abusing me. My narcissistic mother knew and didn't do anything about it b/c she feared him leaving her. The sexual abuse was coupled with both emotional and terrible physical abuse from both of the my parents. The sexual abuse continued until I was 8, the physical until I was 16, and the emotional abuse stopped when I went no contact from my entire family. I had no safe childhood and my life was in danger many times.. because of this I now have PTSD.... but I am recovering. It has taken a year in therapy and very hard work to get me to where I am today... but I'm healthy and getting better every day. You can have a happy ending .... even if you had the worst possible beginning. You just have to decide you're worth it and be willing to put in the hard work. I wish you the best luck with this.. and I do hope that you find a support group to talk to. You are worth it. .. I have been where you sound to be... there is a light at the end of the tunnel .... don't give up.