Suicide Note?

[xena21]

I have been trying to work through things with my therapist about my childhood. It has been going on for a couple years now. I actually have 2 therapists, 1 from the VA and one from a private hospital. They think if I talk about everything I will get better. It's been 30 years since I was a kid. My brain has kept these emotions in my head for 30 years!

Now they want me to get them out. They think I am angry at family and whoever...and I am. The problem is I was suicidal as a kid. I almost killed myself at 12 years old. So now they want me to rehash this. I have been in and out of military and private hospitals for suicidal attempts and they continue. So now I'm faced again with the questions of how horrible or miserable my memories might be and I need to discuss my EMOTIONS about them.

So I have been at my wits end and have written a suicide note. I have done this once before. I am wondering if others have done this ? I am just so tired of the back and forth between people trying to help you and the fear of who really cares? Not to mention the fear of your own family.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @xena21. I removed the trigger warning from your title since we don't do trigger warnings on the forum.

I am just so tired of the back and forth between people trying to help you and the fear of who really cares? Not to mention the fear of your own family.

These are big things you are working through. I understand that writing a suicide note can seem cathartic, almost, because it is a way of getting out all the feelings you are afraid to deal with the consequences of, if that makes sense. But it's not a helpful way to address what you are feeling. When I read your post, I hear that you are tired, scared, and frustrated - but also that you are still wanting to work towards finding the answers for yourself and feeling better - just right now, you aren't sure how to do that and the pressure you are feeling in therapy isn't helping. Have you been able to tell your therapist (s) how frightened you are, or that you don't feel like you've got the tools to deal with those memories safely? It's really important to feel like you have strategies to cope with the stuff trauma work brings up - and having those tools will get you a lot farther than writing them out in suicide notes.

I know it's hard. Thinking of you.

 

[Giulia]

I've written numerous suicide notes. One just before I attempted last year, and I wrote one for the people I consider close more recently when things got really bad.
It sounds like there's a lot of things you need to work through, and even though therapy is daunting and taxing, it's worth a try so that you don't feel this way anymore. I really hope you feel better soon,

 

[falling_wave]

Im so sorry for your struggles and I hear the pain you are in. Yes, I have done this once. I had very frequent suicidal ideations at the time and a pain I never knew I was capable of feeling until it happened. I dont think I ever intended on doing anything. Writing was my outlet and was writing all sorts of stuff trying to get the weight to lift and also testing if I had it in me to end things. Very late one night alone in my apartment I wrote a four page suicide letter describing my pain and thanking each significant person from my life for the part they had been to me. I didnt want to blame anyone or nit pick I just wanted someone to understand the pain and I wanted to let people know that I they did give me the ability to love. Writing it was among the top ost emotional experiences I have ever had. I sobbed gut wrenching sobs and I felt like I was truly going to die that night. After a long while the exhaustion put me to sleep and I felt a little better the next day. I processed it in therapy without labeling it a suicide note but I think she got it. Processing what would have been my last words was also probably one of the most helpful things in therapy. I encourage you to bring your words and process them with a therapist you trust and remember no matter how deep the pain at one moment things can change from moment to moment. Tomorrow or next week or next year. It will probably be better and you have a lot unknown that you want to be there for. I know it can be tough to make the decision to get more comprehensive care with how it might effect work, etc but try to do it just for the hope that you could have a better day if you are feeling a true danger to yourself. If not I completely understand venting and working through this possibility.

 

[Friday]

I used to write my suicide note on my calf. So if I went and picked a fight outside of my weight class the poor bloke wouldn't go down for murder. I've also written my suicide note on a card and stuck it between my ID & proof of insurance. It read: 'Everyone deserves at least one high speed chase in their career. Suicide by cop.' To keep that poor officer out of trouble, and hopefully out of therapy. I swear, I could have been driving backwards, or on the wrong way on the freeway, and not gotten pulled over that summer. Glad of it. For both/all our sakes. It was a pretty damn selfish & short sighted thing to do. (All the other drivers I'd be putting at risk, in addition to the poor cop). But selfish & shortsighted is the calling card of suicide.

More constructively... I've come to recognize that the overwhelming impulse to say goodbye is indicative of something bigger than suicide, although I've mixed the two up, before. It means I have a connection with someone. That's scary, and difficult, and hard in and of itself. It also means I have unfinished business. And am in the process of change. That's where I've mixed things up before. I'm exhausted, and hurting, and hating myself when I want to say goodbye. I don't think I'll be able to change. I don't think I have the chutzpah for it. But I can see I need to. And I can see all the people I would be letting down by not doing it. All the people I care about. (Also my enemies, who I can't triumph over if I don't).

So in coming to recognize that impulse? I've come to realize I'm looking at things wrong. Just like most of the time when I'm suicidal I don't actually want to die, what I really want is to not feel this way anymore... And my brain is a bit of an extremist (goes to the nuclear option. When, really, there are dozens of less extreme ways not to feel this way, anymore).

Instead of saying goodbye? & Im sorry? I need to say hello. & thank you. (Unless I'm telling them to f*ck off. Connections aren't always healthy. If I'm writing a big F-you to someone, I'm connected to someone I shouldn't be. I can work on cutting them out of my life, instead of cutting my life off in order to ditch them). These people, the ones I want to apologize to? Mean something to me. Good or bad. And that's worth exploring. Because change is coming. It needs to. But I don't have to die in order to achieve it.

Don't know if any of this helps... But yes. I've been there. And I've felt there, without going there.

 

[Victory Is Mine]

I, too, have written a suicide note or two... and they were mostly when I was younger. I also remember being suicidal at an extremely young age. Ten or twelve or so is when I first remember deciding I didn't want to go on living. When I was in high school, I got really into writing my feelings and that's when I wrote a couple suicide notes.

I agree with @falling_wave about getting your feelings out through writing. Suicide is not a constructive solution, but I don't think this note has to be a "bad" coping attempt. Or at least, I think good things can come from examining what you wrote and why you felt the need to write it. I think when you get to the point of putting things on paper it can represent a turning point. It's an opportunity to realize some things about yourself... have some things fall into place inside.

@FridayJones is also right that when you feel the need to write a note it usually means that you want someone to know what you're feeling and why you feel like ending it. It might not be because you have any particular connections at the moment... maybe you just want people to know. Because you want your life to mean something. You want SOMEone to know what you are going through and CARE dammit! I know that feeling. Whatever your reason, I think it's good. Because it means you can still find some reason to keep going, if only to make some meaning out of this stupid mess we call life.
Whatever your reason for wanting to write a note, I believe you can use this to your advantage rather than letting it be something that causes you further harm.

Finally, since I know the note is just part of your struggles with suicide... my own brand of encouragement (different things work for different people): I believe from your writing that you are not ready to give up, and that you are working incredibly hard towards recovery, and I applaud you. Don't give up! Don't let your last act on this earth be one of defeat. There is still time to find that meaning in your life, to have an impact on someone else, or simply to find satisfaction in knowing you did not surrender. Look inside, find that reason to keep going (whatever it may be), and do not let go.

 

[TheKunBaBa]

The problem is I was suicidal as a kid. I almost killed myself at 12 years old.

Even i was suicidal @ @xena21 that age but as i made a cut on the arm, n saw the blood flow the intensity of the situation reduced, I'm in no way promoting cutting, its just that it helped me wen i was all alone. N nothing has changed since..@ this moment I'm in middle of a suicide letter. 1 for parents n 1 for therapist. So done with all the never ending troubles in my head..i lost hope of ever being normal, having that perfect job, being healthy and a spectacular body, having friends to actually be with n not just smoke pot, n finally that relationship , a soulmate ..

 

[Sideways]

Suicide notes, planning suicide...man, yep, that's been me for years.

Suicide is our brain looking for a solution when the situation just seems too hard, too hopeless, too long, the outcome can't possibly be worth it, etc etc. So our brain tosses us the option of suicide: instant relief that I can control. It's like someone passing you an oxygen tank when you feel like you've been stuck under water holding your breath for an eternity...

Only it's not. The hopelessness, the helplessness, the "there's no happy outcone for me" - that's Depression talking. That's a chemical imbalance in your brain screwing with your logic.

It's taken me 30 years (exactly) to finally admit to my T that my dad sexually abused me. And we still having started working on that because I'm neck deep in other, worse, trauma that happened when I was older. I have those thoughts, but like the chemicals in my brain, they ebb and flow, which is how I know they're just my illness talking.

The trauma is real. And you now have an illness as a result. And it's the worst. Recovery is scary, painful, lonely, slow...But it happens. There are countless members on this site who are testament to the fact that it happens. And they weren't heroes, they were just like the rest of us - fragile humans that had to overcome a terrible illness because of some atrocity that should never have happened in the first place. And every single one of them will tell you the same thing: keep going, when it feels like you can't, you can. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If it wasn't worth it, there wouldn't be any survivors. So "thanks brain, but actually suicide isn't a helpful solution to this situation".

Letting go of the option to suicide is scary. But if you can do that, if you can commit to the healing without lugging around the suicide option, it actually gets easier. It gets a little easier when you decide you're going to survive.