Suicide Thoughts

[Bookoffee]

I woke up with suicidal thoughts. I want to hurt myself to feel again. I feel so raw. The last trigger and lasting for days, almost a week. I can't shake it. I just want to hide. My head won't calm down

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Can you talk to someone near you- your wife or your therapist? I am hiding today. I had a hard day yesterday so I took of from work today. I promised myself if I got through the day yesterday, I would take the day off today. So I did. I am still in bed and just now considering moving. What can you do to help yourself today? Other possibilities for me today include reading, running, cleaning (because it actually helps sometimes), and lunch with a friend. Hope some of this helps you. Most importantly, know you aren't alone with this struggle.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you @JEKBreatheandBelieve I am at work today and I have been texting my wife. My therapist had a hip replacement and wont be back until next week. I am thinking that is what is taking a toll on me. I was triggered and I haven't been able to deal with it. My poor wife is getting the brunt of it. Thank goodness she is understanding with me.

I did write in my journal this morning. That was a little helpful to throw up what has been bothering me. I do have a book to read and I brought in my art journal to play around with. But they are just not interesting me at this moment. I just want to put my head on my desk and vanish.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I do know what you mean- wanting to just put your head down and disappear. I am glad you are texting your wife. I forgot that your therapist had hip replacement. That is really hard- to be without that outlet of support. I am glad your wife is understanding- that is helpful. Good luck making it through work- plan a reward for when you are finished.

 

[Bookoffee]

My wife and I made plans to take a walk on the beach tonight and get a frozen yogurt. I am hoping that will help get me out of this depression, or whatever is going on with me.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I hope the beach and frozen yogurt help. Sounds good to me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. Sometimes when I want to hide, I stop fighting it and actually do it...last night at 5 PM, I gave in...crawled under the blankets, curled up and went to sleep. Sometimes we're just so overwhelmed that fighting off the overwhelm just makes us even more overwhelmed. Today I got feeling this way intensely...and I am at work. I am lucky in that I can come and go as I please...so I drove somewhere, parked, and did a 10 minute meditation. It was enough for the moment.

On the desire to hurt yourself, go for distraction of any sort. Acknowledge the desire and be compassionate with yourself...you're in a lot of pain if you want to hurt yourself...and then do something else. Preferably physical (I find that when I'm in that mode, I have to move...reading, listening to music, writing, etc. doesn't do much to ease the compulsion to self-harm). Washing dishes, folding laundry, organizing cabinets, weeding, sweeping...all work for a while. Sometimes I have to keep finding things for myself to do until the compulsion passes. And it does, eventually. Maybe if you go to the beach, you can build a sand castle with your wife.

Keep breathing. Be in your body in the present as much as you can. Let yourself feel kind and gentle things about yourself. Peace.

 

[Chava]

Hope it's been a better evening. I can relate to needing to hide. If you need to, hopefully you have a safe place you can just curl up, wrap yourself up in a blanket if it helps, and just hide. I need to physically do that more often just to feel contained and safe. Hugs..