SuperAnxietyGirl
Bronze Member
I decided I should make a thread here so I can express my feelings better and basically have a diary.
Tomorrow I'll write out my trauma and problems I've gone through...good practice or when I talk to my best friend.
Right now I am pretty upset. My dad is trying-again- to get off of his anti-depressant medicine and it's going badly...like usual. My 5 yr old brother is as sick as can be and he accidentally threw up in my parents bed and my dad got mad at him, then at me for "not cleaning it right". My poor brother even said sorry to me while changing his clothes. I wound up in our bathroom sitting on the counter with my legs over the sink with the phone and door locked. My bedroom doesn't have a lock so I felt more comfortable in the bathroom since my anxiety had gone up a lot.
Later I heard my dad stomping around and slamming things. I heard him apologize to my mom but then went on about how my brother puking in his bed was such bullsh*t. Yeah, that erupted my PTSD. Lovely. My anger started to boil. I know my dad can't help it, but no one cut me slack when my medicine caused me problems (I had bad effects to a throw up medicine). I actually wound up grounded for its effects.
Then for the second time ever I had the "craving" to cut. No one knows this, but when I finally stopped taking my throw up medicine it was because I had wanted to cut for the first time. I had never understood the feeling and want to cut and it was completely new to me. I can't help but feel ashamed that the want has happened twice. I have not done it, but I hate the way my arms cry out to me to hurt them. It makes me feel shameful.
Then all of this made me want to tell my best friend everything. I'm waiting til I see her this summer, but still. I want the support. I hate fighting alone. I'm so tired...so tired of it all. All I want is for the guy I like to like me back and to have him there to hold me up and to help me carry my burdens. Of course, that isn't going to happen. I always seem to want what I cannot have...
Tomorrow I'll write out my trauma and problems I've gone through...good practice or when I talk to my best friend.
Right now I am pretty upset. My dad is trying-again- to get off of his anti-depressant medicine and it's going badly...like usual. My 5 yr old brother is as sick as can be and he accidentally threw up in my parents bed and my dad got mad at him, then at me for "not cleaning it right". My poor brother even said sorry to me while changing his clothes. I wound up in our bathroom sitting on the counter with my legs over the sink with the phone and door locked. My bedroom doesn't have a lock so I felt more comfortable in the bathroom since my anxiety had gone up a lot.
Later I heard my dad stomping around and slamming things. I heard him apologize to my mom but then went on about how my brother puking in his bed was such bullsh*t. Yeah, that erupted my PTSD. Lovely. My anger started to boil. I know my dad can't help it, but no one cut me slack when my medicine caused me problems (I had bad effects to a throw up medicine). I actually wound up grounded for its effects.
Then for the second time ever I had the "craving" to cut. No one knows this, but when I finally stopped taking my throw up medicine it was because I had wanted to cut for the first time. I had never understood the feeling and want to cut and it was completely new to me. I can't help but feel ashamed that the want has happened twice. I have not done it, but I hate the way my arms cry out to me to hurt them. It makes me feel shameful.
Then all of this made me want to tell my best friend everything. I'm waiting til I see her this summer, but still. I want the support. I hate fighting alone. I'm so tired...so tired of it all. All I want is for the guy I like to like me back and to have him there to hold me up and to help me carry my burdens. Of course, that isn't going to happen. I always seem to want what I cannot have...
