Support For Icon Nikon

[Icon Nikon]

This is a partial IOU post, for I have not kept up with all who I have so wanted to write to. But for now I need to write this little note to clarify one thing, as this thread is so important to me.

What started with needing new windows and photos, could also include descriptive writing of the areas we live.

Whitney,

I thank you for wanting to suggest something that you thought I needed.

However, I must say that this is the last thing I need while in here. The reason I asked others on here for pictures out their front doors or of their pets or places they dream of going is three-fold:

1. I know how hard it is for people to keep coming back to this thread and finding yet another way of wishing me well, especially when I have experienced nothing but setbacks since my last brain surgery in late December. And yet, I did not wish people to stop coming by.

2) When people were just writing well wishes on here, I kind of felt unable to use this thread to speak about my emotions and experiences, as well wishes deserve a "thank you", not mental meltdowns. So on the positive side I asked people for those pictures to slightly change the tone of this thread while still being very supportive.

But I also opened it up to others to discuss their situations with me as I can not navigate this site as well from here. In doing so, I felt more free to speak about my own experiences, and also as if I still had something to offer (some meaning to my existence) when I replied to those who chose to share with me.

And

3) I specifically asked for pictures, when possible, because a) I felt cutoff with my wifi access being limited, b) my mind works in pictures, so being able to associate each picture with a specific person who chose to support me touches me in a way words can not, c) pictures are not only a window to the world I feel cutoff from but also a window into the person who posts them, and d) pictures afford me the opportunity to escape my own circumstances but in a way that does not, for the most part, bring up such grief and loss and pain about all that I am missing out on while captive in here.

Although you meant no harm, I hope others will not do what you suggested as that would only fuel my hopeless depression about not being able to be home or wherever else I choose to be. I promise that I actually know what I need for myself and feel free to ask for it. For 20+ years I was told what I needed and wanted (and that not only hurt but was usually wrong), so now that I have a voice I prefer speaking for myself and determining for myself what I need.

Thank you for supporting me, and I hope that you will continue doing so in a manner that is helpful to me.

I love taking a 30-60 minute global trip each night with my friends, but to be honest, anything longer would again only serve to remind me that I may never make it to my next surgery or out of this cold and isolating hospital alive. And well, that intense reality not only hurts but is also unhealthy, as it will make me more likely to surrender instead of fight.

Thank you for allowing me to clarify that while still recognizing that in your mind you thought that might help me. But I promise to ask for what I need, which right now is just the connection to others that this thread and my profile page afford me.

Warmly,
Alex
********

Gizmo,

I did read your PC and had wanted to reply much earlier, however I had to have a new medication stopped because it doubled my heart rate, dilated my blood vessels so much which caused flushing over my entire face, neck, chest, etc, and made me violently sick to my stomach (not pretty).

I am so sorry for all you are experiencing. I feel for your different kind of captivity, as I truly relate on many levels. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. However, I admire you for standing by the one you married and for being a bright light on this site when your own life feels so dark. I hope you can forgive me and will perhaps use these pictures here to escape if even for only a few minutes each day.

I am glad to be here for you whenever and however I can be. It is a gift when someone entrusts you with their feelings and concerns. I am honored to be someone who chooses to support you. So please do not mistake my silence for "I do not care", because that is very far from the truth. I have simply been stressed beyond my own limits. I trust you can understand and hope you will continue to share in here and in PC.

Respite Hugs,
Alex
*******


To everyone else, please do not feel slighted. I love your investment in me and at times can not understand why you all continue to support me. I do not like it when I give so little back to those who have truly given so much to me that it has in fact changed me.

I am catching up whenever staff grants me wifi access. So I hope you all can be patient with me. I have also been dealing with how to handle a very troubling issue and something that I feel could be very dangerous and damaging to many on this site. So I need to get past that first, because it is truly consuming all of my energy thus leaving me with very little energy left to fight this damn virus and pneumonia.

I have to get off the internet now, but will be escaping with all of you for the next 30-60 minutes of endearing joy. And then I hope I can doze some, although sleep of any kind has never been easy in here but has been impossibly difficult in recent weeks.

THANK YOU, KIND SOULS! You are my heroes, even if your PTSD makes it hard for you to believe that. It IS true for me!!!

Good Night or Good Day with Heartfelt Hugs,
Alex

 

[Icon Nikon]

 

[JustBe]

Good morning Alex:D

 

[Icon Nikon]

Movin'On,

Somehow I do not think your pal there is saying good morning. More like "Where is my food?" or "You are late for my walk!!" :P

Very adorable and much needed this morning!

I am not supposed to still be online. according to staff here, but I have not been caught yet! Though I guess I should not press my luck.

How are you making out? I hope ok, all things considered! :)

 

[JustBe]

I think you're right Alex! Doozer is usually saying "Feed Me!"

I've never had a dog who loves to eat so much. He'll eat anything and he's always hungry. I have to watch him constantly. The other day he tried to eat an acorn. It got stuck on his canine tooth and I had to help get it off!

I've been doing better since the Citalopram kicked in. I'm not so deeply depressed and the anxiety and panic while always there are within manageable levels. This forum has helped as well because I can go days without interacting with anyone as I tend to isolate myself. If I didn't need supplies every week or two I wouldn't go anywhere.

That's one reason why this upcoming trip to visit and help my parents terrifies me. Also the fact that my Mom is a very strong willed and opinionated person with OCD tendencies. She needs everything just so and tries to fix everything and everyone around her.

I'm going with Love in my heart and a lump in my throat on Wed.

Thank goodness Kira and Doozer are coming too! Doozer is actually their dog. I adopted him and have raised and trained him to be an ESA for my folks who are in their mid 80's. My Dad has not had a good year though so they have not been in a position to take Doozer. Lately though my Mom is talking about keeping him down there.
I'll be sad and happy to see him go live with my parents.

Well, I guess I've bent your ear long enough! :p Talk to you later!

M'O

 

[Icon Nikon]

Wow M'O!

You are one of the rare few people who have indeed answered me when I ask "How are you!"

I gather you know that I am on an iTouch device, thus cannot see your post when I am replying. Kind of hard in my little old/damaged brain. ;) Also I have not read your intro, so do not know much of your personal narrative. But what I saw and read, I liked - much had to do with the gentle but stronger than you seem to realize spirit that I saw and something about your optimism or at least your optimistic approach to healing. For example...you starting an "I deserve" thread...good for you.

Oh just in case you have a lump in your throat now, I am indeed glad you wrote back and answered me. So swallow! :)

I am not sure what your past trauma is and I am not too find of talking blind, for fear that I will do more harm than good. So I guess I did to read some more of your posts.

I am grateful to hear that your current medications are helping to stabilize things as that is medication game is like playing Russian Roulette and losing much money and time, with trial after trial. However, when the right combo is found it can be a beautiful and liberating gift.

I tend to stay in the simultaneous land of depression and anxiety, and hardly ever rise into the happier lands. And yet the only drugs of any use to me are Benzos, as all others (based on increased Serotonin) elevate my anxiety to a very self-limiting places which unfortunately is often followed by a hard crash back into depression. But I try to keep my humor.

And I truly get the whole easy to isolate but feel terrible when you do aspect of PTSD. I think raising Doozer and having Kira are splendid things. They engage you even if you do not want to be engaged. They make you go out even if it is just for them. And they will often handle those awkward introductions for us.

I grew up with a black lab, but when working I felt it was unfair/selfish of me to have a dog. However I do have my boys (my cats) and have socialized cats for the humane society to assist in making them much more adoptable. And at one time took two of my cats around to nursing homes and senior centers and let them work their magic.

Now I do not know how your family plays into your trauma, but I certainly can see that your mother taps into your anxiety. I will not make any suggestions as you did not ask for my advice. All I will say is that I think going with "love in your heart" makes your visit a "gift from your heart".

And well, if that gift is not cherished, please remind yourself that leaving is always an option. Additionally please remind yourself that this place and thread are here - heck, I am a captive audience except when I do not have wifi. I changed this thread characteristics for just this reason, I needed the connections to others and figured that maybe those on this thread could use it as such, if they wanted to---I kind of have trouble being anyone's charity or cause, as giving back can be helpful to healing.

I know I will be caught soon as it is close to shift change time here. But I believe you said you will be leaving Wed. How long will you be away? And will you be able to access this site, just to know that you have a safe place to "run to" if things get to be too overwhelming? I hope so!!!!!

Thank you for tonight/this morning! It was very pleasant! And draw on our strength if yours seem to fade!

Have a good day (you and your furry pals)!

Hugs,
Alex

 

[JustBe]

Alex you are such a comfort to me! Thank you for being my lifeline to the scary but necessary world "out there". I too have a difficult time accepting help and good wishes without being able to reciprocate. Ir is so much easier to give than to receive.

I have my Droid X mobil phone with internet access, so I'll be in touch especially in the wee hours when everyone is asleep. I'll be gone for two weeks (gulp!).

Oh just in case you have a lump in your throat now, I am indeed glad you wrote back and answered me. So swallow!

I swallowed!

I would love to bring Kira and Doozer around to nursing homes but People scare me and being "out" is too destabilizing right now. I do hope to do that someday though.

I haven't shared much about my past for fear of exposure. I don't want to hurt my parents even though the risk of them stumbling across this site is negligible. Also, I'm afraid to open that Pandora's box without being in a secure therapeutic relationship, so it will have to wait (what's a few more weeks after so many years).

Why do they limit your wifi time? That seems cruel to me.

I wish the weather had been better the past week so that I could have taken some photos of the foliage for you, but it has rained and the leaves are coming down too soon :(

They engage you even if you do not want to be engaged. They make you go out even if it is just for them. And they will often handle those awkward introductions for us.

You are dead on there!
Well the dogs are awake so I'd better get them out! I'll check in again.

Take care, M'O

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((Alex)))))))))))))))))))

Just checking in on you to let you know that you are very much in my thoughts and heart.

As always I'm just catching up with people, I mostly stick to myself but I LOVE that Movin'On is posting her puppy pics! :) I'm hitch-hiking a smile here, I hope you don't mind.

Please know I am sending you peaceful thoughts and a heart full of prayers,
Rain

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Alex, I am thinking of you today and you are in my prayers. I hope you have a good day without any intrusive prodecures. I hope you get some computer time today. I hope the staff treats you right. I hope the doctors are on top of things and do the right thisng. If I could post you a picture I would post balloons and flowers and some sunsets with trees. I am still waiting on my camera.

We have to start out christmas shopping. I have 2 granddaughters I have to buy for. I still do not know what they want. We will have to find out. My daughters cat is ready to have kittens anyday. She will call me when it happens so we can go over and see them. She raises hairless cats to sell. Anyway you are much in my thoughts. I wonder what you do during the day. I hope the pain is not so bad today. I wish you well. Big hugs.

 

[KP the nut]

Good evening (((Alex))). I' sat here with a glass of wine at my side. H is away - yes, again, so it is just the dogs and I.

It is getting dark outside and winter is on its way. I took this photo last week. It is bulbs which flower each time this year in memory of my old dog. They are in the garden pot in which his ashes are buried. They are beautiful, just like he was.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Froggie]

We come on this thread (((((Alex))))) because you're worth every minute of our time !:D

 

[JustBe]

Two Snuggling puppies for you Alex...