Support Request; Living And Learning With Ptsd

[Seasounds]

I've had a big aggravation, again. :cry: When anyone blasts me with blaming anger, it triggers my primary trauma. My pelvic muscles spasm, my abdominal muscles tighten and cramp, and the intrusive voices of "shame on you," "you're no good", "bad, bad, bad". :shifty: Of course, mild to moderate disassociation occurs, to varying degrees, clonazepam is helping for that.

Now, instead of feeling on top of my game-before the aggravation, I'm back doing the basics (mindfulness, good self care, therapy, working out, etc) until "this too shall pass" (or diminish), at SOME :/ point. Grumble, grumble, toil, boil, tremble, and trouble. Ah, what a life, with PTSD.

Rather than giving more details or getting solutions, I'm looking to know that some of you go through this too. The most positive way I can think of these cycles, is to think that it is like school, a continual learning process. At least this framework helps turn around the intrusive thoughts and it helps me view myself without judgment; and it gives me permission to push back, against abusive behavior, and it helps me see how I might make different choices, in the future.

Please, your support is welcome. :)
Do you go through these ups and downs?
What perspective do you take, that helps you?

 

[Bookoffee]

I am a freaken roller coaster. I look at PTSD as a chronic illness. We will always have it. We have flare ups and may need to learn a new method to heal the new flare up.

Am I making sense?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I still have a very hard time when someone yells at me. It has not happened in a very long time, but I go into fight mode now. The last time it happened to me, I pushed back so hard and ended up getting an apology.

I used to have more bad days than I do now.

I often wake up depressed and have to really thought stop and battle the negative thoughts and stress and worrying and replace them with the positive in my life. I also pray for help. Then my spirits are lifted.

But I can remember how it used to be for me. It was sheer living hell and I experienced this hell for so many years.

It all changed once I was able to start accepting and loving myself and putting the shame, blame, and false guilt and self hatred behind me. Then I had EMDR and it changed my life for the better.

It does get better over time.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yep. Definitely can relate to these ups and downs. I am just starting to come out of a down period and I am sure it won't be long before another one comes because that is the cycle. I usually take the perspective that all is lost and everything is horrible and nothing will ever get better...but wait you said a perspective that helps...hmmm, I guess I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass". I can't think of anything better. Mostly, I just wanted to say, yes, I go through those ups and downs. What goes down, must come up?

 

[Seasounds]

@Bookoffee, Yes, what you said made sense, and it is helpful. At some point, hopefully, if we can get the right help, and make different choices, things get better. It is kind of like a physically bruise; it may take a while, but it does heal. And as you pointed out, the rollercoaster does shift. Thank goodness! Patience, is a virtue I need more of.

@gizmo, Thanks for your support and re-enforcing, that from our first waking heartbeat to our last dozing breathe, how it helps to be in self-lovingness and in self-direction, of our thoughts.

@JEKBreatheandBelieve, It is so simple, yet so profoundly healing, to know that I am not alone. Thank you for your comradery!

 

[arfie]

You are not alone, change. I have been through so much of this that I have come to believe I AM at the "Top of my Game" when I can use those basics instead of falling into the self-flagellating spirals such tirades used to send me into; when I can get through the unpleasant moment without carrying them like a weight around my neck for days or even decades.

These days I am often able to let such rants reflect on the ranter rather than taking them to my own heart. Some days I can even offer the ranter a bit of empathy for being in such a bad place. Some days.

 

[KwanYingirl]

When my children were babies and toddlers they would have what I called "hold the baby day". For whatever reason, they required constant comforting. They'd be tearful, irritable, just a wreck.

So I held the babies all day and then the crisis would pass. Life went on. I think I have "hold the Judy days" I need support, kindness, a nap an SOS to my therapist, etc. then my crisis will pass and life goes on.

 

[seedling]

Yes, definitely experience this. It's clearer to me now when it's happening.

If the down cycle lasts long enough I start to feel/think it will never end. If the up cycle lasts long enough I start to feel/think the down won't come back like that again.

I learn more each time I have a down cycle and usually meet some kind of personal challenge as well. During the up cycle I enjoy a new level of being able to be enjoy my progress.

I think I'm coming to accept that there's a place in me that can throw stuff up for me to deal with at any time.

 

[franciemarnie]

I just wanted to add to all the great comments a new thing I've been doing that is helping my body to relax. Especially since you mentioned abdominals. That's where I first note tension, esp. In re to anger.

I've started doing Trauma Release Exercises from the DVD by Bercelli. He explains how our psoas muscle contracts as soon as we are in fight or flight. It is unconscious and instinctual, but with prolonged threat without release, all sorts of problems develop - back pain, GI tract issues, shoulder and neck, head, insomnia, etc. These exercises shake out that muscle, which is hard to get too otherwise.

It hasn't released emotional energy for me, but it has relaxed my body enough that Ive slept through the night eight hours for a week now. For me, it is a miracle.

 

[ghotiff]

It has helped me to write a list of indicators that I'm heading into a downward spiral and then if I notice them I immediately ( well as soon as my life commitments allow) go to bed and treat myself as if I have the flu. It seems to help keep me from going down further. It was really difficult to work out the signs but it seems to be a really effective approach for me.

 

[Seasounds]

@arfie, what a good perspective; to see progress by using the basics sooner. This is true for me, too. When i can validate progress, I don't feel so much a captive of PTSD. Thank you!

@KwanYingirl, I like your analogy so much! It makes sense to me, and it was even soothing to read! Nurturing, cradling our souls, and down time, work wonders. Thanks for the support to do the same!

 

[Seasounds]

@ seedling, You helped me acknowledge that there is a learning that I have, through each downward spiral. I, too, have a growing confidence, and can rise to the challenge, of using my intelligence and creativity, to work through, yet another difficult episode. Thanks for your helpful reminder; seeing growth when I'm down, helps lift my spirits!

@ ghotiff, You are so right on. Keeping a journal of my main indicators and symptoms, will be so helpful! I had gradual, escalating, tension, with forewarning signs-that I thought I had addressed, but not thoroughly. Recording (seeing in print) my indicators helps break my denial, too.Thanks for your support; I feel better with more tools!