Relationship Supporter Dealing With Lack Of Intimacy From Husband

[puppy]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and am so glad I have come across it. I am married to my ptsd sufferer and we've been together for almost 4 years. He is a wonderful man and there are so many wonderful and positive things about our relationship. He's been getting help on and off for combat (and possibly other) related ptsd for two years now.

We've had our struggles and some bad times but I'm finding it hard at the moment and would really like some support. This sounds really shallow but we haven't had sex in 4 months, and I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had any sexual contact in the last 7 months. it's not just actual sex it's cuddling, touching, kissing, all those intimate things that are so important to me (and used to be for him) in a loving relationship; it just rarely happens anymore.

He has always had a really strong sex drive and I was trying to keep up with him when we first got together. I am under no illusions that the amount of sex a couple has in their first year together should continue for the rest of their lives, but one of the reasons we "clicked" initially was because we both were so touchy-feely and always wanted to be physically near each other. Now he sits at the opposite end of the couch to me and acts like it's the most annoying thing if I ask him to cuddle me in beg or snuggle up next to me on the couch.

He is on medication for ptsd that apparently affects his libido but has been on it for about 14 months now, whereas the real disinterest I feel has been over the past 9months. I am also 7 1/2 months pregnant with our first child, and his lack of interest in me makes it so difficult for me to keep feeling good about myself physically with all the changes going on in my body right now.

I have brought these things up with him gently a couple of times and all he says is that it's just the medication and that he'll try harder to make an effort. To his credit he does make some effort, but it's usually just a small peck goodnight instead of nothing, or a cuddle in the morning before he gets up. Then a few days later its back to the usual.

I am getting more and more upset about this as time wears on and I worry is this what our relationship will be like for the rest of our lives? We used to have so much passion for each other but I just get nothing from him anymore. (granted a lack of general passion has been a common theme in for him over the past 6months in general).

I try hard to look good and feel attractive so that he might be interested and I make moves on him often (not too much though as I don't want him to feel pressured). Sex isn't everything but to me feeling loved and wanted in a relationship is important, and I just don't get that from him anymore.

I feel so selfish saying this but where do my needs come into the picture? Does anyone else deal with this with their partners? And is it just a stage or is this what I've signed up for for the rest of our marriage?

(sorry for long post, just wanted to give enough info...)

 

[ShayShay]

I have absolutely the same problem but we have been over a year and I would like some information too. My story sounds like yours. Let's hope we find some information out soon.

Shay

 

[nursenurse]

I know there is a thread about this somewhere, I wish I could find it for you. Keep searching.

For my 2 cents, and I usually have more, this isn't necessarily unusual, and could well represent a new norm. But you still have to rule out medical factors first. That means a full physical and medication review. Medications could well be the cause, but what causes problems for some people will not cause problems for another, so if the spouses are willing to try something else, then altering medications may help. That being said, one has to look at the amount of improvement that the possible offending medication has given the sufferer for the problems it is supposed to help, and weigh that with a change in medication that could possibly effect what progress has been made.

One thing for sure is that your mates are feeling it too, how can they not? They don't understand the reasons any better than you do. And they may feel guilt and shame for not being able to indulge in an activity that you once joyfully shared. Hopefully the men in question are in therapy, so that their psychological issues can be addressed.

I think it was Amethist that may have re-opened a thread about this in the past few weeks. Or at least she responded in a way that made me remember it. She provided some good perspective on it. I will try to find it.

Puppy, your man sounds like he has a lot going on inside. The on and off status of his treatment is a little worrisome, hopefully it is more on than off. What has changed over the past 7 months? Your pregnancy, but I think it has nothing to do with your body, even if you feel like a beached whale, lol. I think maybe impending parenthood is worrying him more than you know. That breeds with the cycle of depression and just goes around and around like a ferris wheel.
Encourage him to the doctor and the therapist. With the right kind of help this can get better, but realize that it might not get back to the same levels of intimacy that you had before. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

 

[nursenurse]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/lets-talk-about-sex-and-intimacy.19315/[/DLMURL]
This is the thread I was talking about, so pleased with myself that I was able to copy and paste being a non-techno geek.

 

[puppy]

Thanks both of you. Nursenurse I appreciate your rational look at the situation. My partner sees a psych but only really proactively books appointments when things are going bad.

It's a frustrating situation because he gets really touchy anytime I casually mention "when's your next appointment?" But then if I don't ever ask him he doesn't go. I guess it's similar frustration when it comes to talking about medication or the intimacy issues, he is so defensive about it all that the slightest hint or idea on the topic just shuts him down to me. So I either suffer in silence and suck it up or risk saying something and having everything either blow up in my face or get no reaction and feel like he doesn't care at all.

I think you may be right about the possibility that stress about becoming a dad for the first time might be affecting things. Problem with that is he doesn't open up to me about any of these feelings. If there was only one thing I could want from him for the rest of our relationship it would be him to be more open with me - its kinda been the underlying theme to every problem we have ever had. The more I try and gently encourage him to talk about concerns he may have the more he pulls away from me though. It's so frustrating!

 

[nursenurse]

Unfortunately PTSD can exacerbate some underlying traits that were already present, as you know. And seeing someone only when bad seems like a denial of how real his PTSD is. You cannot make him or force him to get help. It has to come from him. And sadly for many of them and their supporters, they have to hit rock bottom and irrevocably lose everything before they can take the first steps towards healing. I hope that road is not for you.

 

[kevin348]

I have just found this site, and it has really helped me understand some things.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years with a woman that i feel now is going through PTSD. I really would appreciate some input. When We first started dating she told me upfront that she did not want something based on sex, and I understand that. We dated 3 months before we came to the point she wanted to sleep with me so we did. Things went great for a month we was close, then all of a sudden she calmed up and I asked what was wrong she said we was too serious too fast and she broke up but still wanted to date me as a friend.

We went out still had fun together was friends but their came a point 2 months later that I felt it wasn't going to go past a friendship so I was going to date someone else. She became upset and we talked, we stayed together and she became romantic with me again. This lasted for about 2 months and she pulled away again.

For the next 3 months we where friends but no romance was their. I tried talking to her and she said she felt guilty about having sex with me because she made a promise that the next man she slept with was going to be her husband and she broke that promise with me. I stayed with her we talked more but she always kept me at distant and would never tell me she loved me.

We started getting close again for a couple of months around Christmas time she hinted for a ring and had one circled that she called her promise ring and it was for her to keep her promise so I got it for her. She was happy but later that week she just kept throwing me away so I finally told her I was tired of being pushed away and she either wanted me or not. She spoke up and said she wanted me but did not know how to show it and its always been a problem with her. I told her that night I would marry her if I thought she would, a few days later she called me and said she wanted to marry me so we became engaged.

A month later she fell in deep depression and just had a blank look to her so I gave space went a couple of months like that still sleeping with her but no romance. I finally said we needed to talk cause if we was going to get married I wanted romance in the relationship too. She became mad said I had just proved her right that all men just want sex. I tried to explain I loved her and felt it was a normal part of a marriage. She ended our engagement and broke me. I talked to her telling her I loved her and would stay with her, she still wanted to date me as friends and not see others but wanted us to get back to our friendship again.

So we have been great friends since but it has no romance no kisses just a hug. During this time she had just finished school looking for a job to support herself and has not found anything as of yet. We are still doing things together we go places she talks about us and we doing things and plans for us to do things together in the future but she wont become close to me. We spend a lot of time together but we act as friends.

She has issues I know, I found a website where she writes her feelings down and she is always writing about how love doesn't exist and every time she starts to feel close to someone it always falls into despair and hurt so she refuses to allow those feelings to enter her. She told me several times that relationships do not last and men cheat. She does not think a man can stay with one woman and not stray at some point.


Her past has been filled with short 1-3 year relationships with men who just used her and she would always end them. She had her last relationship for 5 years with one man that cheated on her after they had a son together and had planed on being married. She went through a deep depression and dated one person only for 4 years who would only come around every few weeks. She said he just wanted sex so she broke up. I started dating her several months after that.

She is a very pretty lady people are always hitting on her and asking her out trying to get close to her but she would not cheat. She is extremely independent and has said many times she does not want to depend on any man to be their for her. She wants to do it on her own.

Meanwhile her boys dad broke off all contact with their son and it deeply affected her. Recently her ex re married and it bothers her that he wont have anything to do with their son. I went to a counsellor who I showed her poems to and she instantly said it looked like she was suffering from PTSD disorder. Also during this time like I said she is looking for work and not making ends meet which bothers her. Also she has found out she has cyst on her ovary and around her uterus that she will need surgery to remove so their are a lot of issues on the table that are bothering her.

I have stayed with her and we have been getting along great as friends but when I try to open her up and talk to her about us she gets defensive says she is fine with being alone all her life she does not need any one in it to make her happy. So I told her I gave up on us but we have a wonder full friendship and I did not want to destroy that so now we are getting along good and she is calling me doing things with me having fun.

The only thing I know to do is to be her friend and not push myself on her but I still love her. If I tell her that she will back away. I told her I still care the world about her and I felt we was doing good getting our friendship back. I want to stay with her and will but I just don't know if she will ever be able to form a true romantic loving relationship. I wonder if I stay with her if she will eventually see that I really care for her and am interested in her because I love her and not just because she is so pretty.

So does anyone have any advice for me? Should I stay ? My point is, is this a normal response from a person with PTSD I love her but if she wont love me I feel I need to find someone who will invest their heart to me any advice will help I am hurting thinking of her being out of my life.