Supporter Supporter Of Vet With Combat Ptsd

[RubyRedShoes]

Hello all,

Was searching this evening to try and find some support/assistance/encouragement in a more positive direction. I have been in a relationship for quite a while with the same vet. The first time we were together for 3 years, lived together for a majority if that time. We separated for about 2.5 years and about 7 months ago began a relationship again.

Almost immediately upon seeing each other again, he quit his job and moved in with me. He assured me he would look for a job…still no job. He has a similar issue when we were together the first time and did not work. He currently is receiving some disability benefits for PTSD and hearing loss, so he is able to assist with bills, etc. He has no motivation to get a job, he has not looked that I know of and when I try to talk to him about it or make suggestions for places to look for work he becomes very defensive and tells me that he shouldn't have to work and doesn't feel like he needs to work. He has become very angry and resentful towards me. Currently he is going on over 24 hours of sleep- as he had been up for almost 4 days without sleeping more than an hour or two. He drinks way to much alcohol- but says its the only thing that makes him feel better, because he doesn't want to take all of the pills that the VA has prescribed him.

I feel like I am going crazy. Taking care of the house, chores, him, me, pets… He has no ambition to do anything it seems, and I don't know what to do. The first time we were together this happened and we separated so that he could live on his own and focus on himself. He went to school and held down a job for 2 years! Then we get back together and he quits and this all falls apart… I don't know if I am the negative influence..if i should give up and he should be on his own?

I love him a lot and we have had lots of good times, but I feel like we are in stall mode…over 30, not really going anywhere in this relationship. I ask him to go and get some help, maybe counseling, even both of us together and he feels like that is a "disgusting" option, since we can't figure it out… any advice or support is appreciated. I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about this, as many people felt like it was a mistake to get back together. They would be really disappointed.

 

[intothelight]

Hi RedRubyShoes,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

In any relationship, there are expectations and at this point it sounds like you have reached an impasse with your boyfriend. Your suggestions are all valid, but if he is not willing to participate, the only thing you can do is seek some help and advive for yourself. If these are the same issues that caused you to end the relationship the first time, then you are going to have to re-evaluate just how important they are to you in the present and address things accordingly.

There is a section for supporters where you will find information, posts from members who may have dealt with something similar, and most importantly support for yourself. Even seeing a counselor for yourself may be a good option as they may have suggestions that you would find helpful.

Debbie

 

[franciemarnie]

You feel like you are going crazy. That sounds like this isn't working for you at all. You come up with lots of ideas to change this which he nixes. He has no incentive to change. He is fine not working, and he drinks. When they are drinking, well...not a good sign.

No doubt you do care for him and you had good times, but this isn't working as is. The problem is he's fine with it as it is. So I vote it's time to consider he go now. Your well being is important. He's only considering his.

I wish it weren't so.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forum! glad you are here and reaching out.

He drinks way to much alcohol- but says its the only thing that makes him feel better, because he doesn't want to take all of the pills that the VA has prescribed him. I feel like I am going crazy. Taking care of the house, chores, him, me, pets… He has no ambition to do anything it seems, and I don't know what to do.

It sounds like things are working for him just as they are. He has no reason to stop drinking or get busy, he's able to exist and mooch off of you and spend his life self medicating his pain. I'm so sorry he's doing this.

From my likely-to-be-skewed perspective, it seems like he is struggling with some alcoholism and you are enabling him a little bit. It's understandable, and its not your fault he's being like this. Going to an al-anon group might also help you see that his behavior can be common and help you feel less alone in dealing with it. Even if he stops drinking, this kind of behavior is likely to continue until he deals with his stuff - including the PTSD, which it doesn't sound like he is up for doing right now. He sounds like he is just comfortable enough with the way things are to not change himself.

I know you care about him and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find strength and support to get through this.

 

[nursenurse]

You can't worry about what others think, only about what you think.

The relationship is stuck in the mud. There is no reason to change for him, he is supported by you. Love is note nought, it takes hard work and give and take on both sides. Are there enough good times to overcome these issues, because they may never change. Supporters I think do the most of the compromising, nowhere on big issues such as financing and work and the running of the household, anyone PTSD or not, needs to be be on the same page as their significant other. You would need to be prepared to live like this forever. Can you or should you? In my opinion, no, bot only you know. Good luck. Your self respect does count, and you need to be happy.

 

[Tigerlily90]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am currently 23 and he is 30. I am in the same situation and am in stand still with life, in an attempt to decide to stay or leave, because I know he is very ill with PTSD. I may not be the source of reason, but I can be understanding.

I am sending over positive thoughts and don't want you to feel alone. I believe the supporters need support as well. And thinking about it, self respect and love is absolutely needed, and being selfless can be exhausting. I know as supporters for our vets, i hope you can take some time for yourself and enjoy some self care.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Supporters do tend to compromise more that sufferers. It just is. We tend to have a great deal of compassion for our sufferers because of what they are dealing with -- PTSD. But, we must also have compassion for ourselves. Our needs, our health, and our desires. I think you need to decide what you can really live with and what you just cannot. Love is not enough.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but he won't change his behavior if he isn't ready or really wants to deep down. It sounds like he needs therapy and to stop self-medicating. You cannot make anyone get healthier if they don't see a problem or are resigned with what they have now.

You have to take care of yourself too. If you accept them, <hug>.

 

[RubyRedShoes]

Thank you all. I am overwhelmed by all of the responses and constructive advice. Feeling very thankful to have found this site as support.
Thank you.

 

[RubyRedShoes]

It's just one things after another this week-- after receiving some support via this website I decided to try and work through few things with him. Things went well, but then turned negative again. He has slept through 4 days and nights, only waking up to use the bathroom and maybe get a bite to eat. Is this common with PTSD? the long periods of sleep?

As if it couldn't get any more stressful, then he drops it on me that he is "out of money" as in, he spent all of his money for the month already--playing games online. In turn he discloses that he also has run through his savings playing this game. Some online war style game called Gree? I am beyond frustrated and angry! I just made his truck payment, because of course, i consigned on the darn thing. I feel like an absolute idiot. I was yelling and carrying on because I am so angry and he just sits there, saying nothing. Asking me what I want him to do, so I told him to leave.

I asked him to leave, but of course having no money he says that he is unable. I don't feel like I should have to live this way…but then I feel like I am abandoning him when he obviously needs some support? This is ridiculous. I am a teacher, i don't have a lot of extra money to cover his bills and our mutual bills/utilities. Is there anything that can be done? I asked him to get some help through the VA and he just laughed it off again. I feel used.

I am so angry.

 

[Echo]

@RubyRedShoes - you are not his mum, but he is treating you as if you were. I'm so sorry he is playing all the guilt cards and just using you. I do hope you find the strength to tell him to leave.